AIBU to turn away from this man?

[NameChangeMay2026]

FWB for 4.5 years and have just fallen in love with him. Need help.

I am against relationships. My horrible abusive prior marriage fucked me up so badly. I can't describe the shock when he walked out and left me alone in a foreign country, where we had made our lives, and the longterm depression that followed. I've seen the underbelly of relationships and now I can never un-see it. This total lack of faith in commitment is how I managed to stay feelings-free for so long. I do not believe in love. Everyone's out for themselves and male love is so shallow, all based on looks. You only have to look at the difference between how slim women and larger women are treated to see that. I have been both. When I was very slim, many years ago, the power I had with men was insane. It's truly pathetic.

He's a filthy dirty sexy man who has been lovely to me for a long time, and 18 months ago told me that he loves me. We don't that near, about an hour apart, so there's a built-in stop, which suits me well. I know he was unfaithful in his last marriage, which is a big thing that put me off. I figured that I was so broken about relationships and they were all crap and that I'd rather be hung up by my thumbs than ever marry or live with anyone again, so I might as well sleep with the sexy rogue. I could not ever imagine having anything but in-the-moment feelings for anyone again.

Maybe you would call it a casual relationship rather than FWB.

He's just lost his second parent and he sent me a link to the hundreds of family photos he's putting into a video. I made the mistake of looking at them, and I saw how gorgeous he was down the years, and still is, and how lovely his family is, and I don't know, it's done something to me. He looks so good in his new suit for the funeral. Now I'm sitting here playing teenage love songs and contemplating sending him Falling by Angry Anderson! It wouldn't be inappropriate, he's said he loves me many times, but I don't believe him. If he can cheat on his former wife and the mother of his children, he can do it to anyone.

I think relationships are a pile of utter horseshit. They promise the earth and then let you down from a great height. And don't get me started on marriage. Most people shouldn't be married. Most cannot live up to the promises of marriage. So I see no point, except to have sexy in-the-moment fun, and we have had a ton of that.

Now, how do I get out of these feelings? Withdraw a little? Throw a bucket of cold water over myself? See other people? I have actually tried that over the years, and found a couple of people I liked who ruined it by getting really sexual really fast. My FWB has excellent bedroom manners. I haven't really tried to date others in ages because my dad got cancer in 2022 and died in 2025.

YABU - Go for it with him. Send the song, fall into his arms, throw caution to the wind.
YANBU - Making a conscious decision not to play the love game is a perfectly reasonable approach to life if the stakes are too high for you. Withdraw gracefully.

I'm too old to have kids and he has adult kids, so there's no issue with life trajectories or anything. We're past all that.

Well, I've met him very recently. But the big change I noticed in myself is that I don´t feel that need for certainty, and it feels very different.

We'll never be 100% sure about someone, but I think that after the abuse it's very hard to live with that.

In my case, I didn't trust that I would be able to protect myself and leave an abusive relationship (and I wasn't wrong, I kept going back to some very toxic relationships).

Now, for the first time I'm thinking "Well, I'm here with this person, if he ends up being an arsehole I will just go away. I'll be hurt but I'll be fine". And I believe that. Maybe that's why I didn't panic, like I did with other people.

Some people will never understand that.

Your perspective is very interesting. It sounds as if you've come to a place where you have a healthier outlook on relationships. May I ask how long it took you? I'm still pretty traumatised.

It took my whole life! :)

Seriously, I'm 47 now. I think it was in 2019 that I had the epiphany that my marriage was abusive and that my family was abusive as well (people had told me that before, but that was the moment it sank in).

Then I had the insight that I wasn't "defective". My anxiety, depression, etc were healthy reactions to an unhealthy environment (just like a fever is the reaction of a healthy body to an infection, for example). As you can imagine, it turned everything upside down in my mind, and since then I've been doing A LOT of work on that.

I've read a lot of books, psychology papers, I've had therapy, I've journalled, etc etc. I've learned about thought patterns, about emotional addiction, about the defensive mechanisms that kept me safe when I was growing up but that are a problem in safe environments, etc.

I'm having to re-learn everything, it feels like I'm trying to move from one planet to another one, completely different.

As you can imagine, I could spend days talking about that because I've dedicated my last 7 years to this process. I decided to divorce in 2019, left in January 2020, spend 3 years without meeting anyone, not a single date. I was too angry and too scared of men.

Then I've been dating and exploring, but I haven't had a real relationship (aka a "boyfriend") during all this time.

Gosh, you poor thing. 😢 It sounds like you've been through it big-time. Well done for all the work you've done and are still doing.

I am still longterm depressed after my marriage, and I find what you say about it being a healthy reaction to an unhealthy environment to be very comforting and empowering. So thank you. (I also had less than nice family growing up.)

I'm happy it helped you, I think that's important to realise that there's nothing "wrong" with us - in fact, it's the opposite. You're depressed because somewhere inside you know what you've been through was not right. And that's the part of you that is not broken.

Self compassion is very helpful for that, talking to ourselves in a nice and loving way. I hope you can heal, and it looks like you're working on that. It's a lot of work, but worth it (and the alternative may be familiar, but it's worse).

Good luck and enjoy the amazing sex! I'm still in contact with one like that but he's definitely toxic... I'd love to have a kinky sex god who also seems nice! :)

It always happens in the end, falling in love with the bad guy. Very few women can handle a true FWB relationship. To most guys, it’s the easiest thing in the world.

You know this won’t end well for you but that’s part of the attraction. Because just maybe…

Taylor Swift’s whole music career and life is built on this entire concept.

Do you think you could just be feeling really emotional because you’re still grieving for your dad, and now he’s lost his, and he’s shown you a side of him which is quite nice and caring, that you hadn’t seen before, and he just looks really good in a suit? And it’s all really lovely, and you do care for him very much, and it’s all building up into a bit of a massive emotional crush on a man you fancy, rather than you having fallen in love with him? If you hadn’t seen that side of him, would you have thought you were in love with him?

I don’t think I’d make any changes or declare your love just yet. I definitely wouldn’t send that cheesy arsed song. In fact, I’d stop listening to it all together because it’s very easy to convince yourself that something is love when it’s actually just a burst of fondness. And if things calm down in a couple of months and you find it was just a temporary rush of feelings for a man you care about, who’s going through a tough time, you’ll have to tell him that you’ve changed your mind, you’re not actually in love with him, and that will just be awful for both of you.

As it stands, there’s quite a lot to lose if you tell him you love him or start sending him songs that might make him think you do. You don’t want to live with him. You don’t trust him not to cheat. You don’t even think he’s currently exclusive. And you’re not anywhere near close to being ready to open yourself up to a relationship. You fancy him very much and he sounds like he treats you with kindness and respect, whereas others haven’t. Are you ready to lose all of that? Get yourself into therapy and see how you feel after that.

@NameChangeMay2026 I knew there were problems in my marriage. I tried to talk it through, asked him to call a therapist ( I could of but wanted effort on his part) of course he didn't. I then said one morning im worried that somethings really failing, let's try and sort it and husband at the time laughed in my face and to quote "no one would want you". I actually felt something snap inside. Spent the next 9 months fucking around getting my confidence back and ducks in a row etc as it turned out he was very wrong. I never told him and id got used to being ignored by him at this point so I doubt he even noticed. Had loads of fun/got hurt but I always knew it was wrong. Never would have made an excuse, I own what I did. It got pretty dark at some points but I stand by what I said I wouldn't do it again. Its not once a cheater, always one.

Stop deeping it. Sending a song to someone doesn’t unlock a more profound relationship or marriage anyway. You’re just in your feels because he’s at a vulnerable point and so you’re seeing him in a new light and you can relate to him because of the sad circumstances.

Even if the person you’re having sex with sounds utterly utterly gross? @NameChangeMay2026

He's a filthy dirty sexy man

Do you have kids?

Eh? How does my man sound utterly utterly gross?

Edit: Oh, you edited. And you've come onto this thread because of what I just said on the other thread. I'm not falling for this.

Yes, you're right. He's totally grim. Doesn't shower and has a smelly hairy bum and hobbit feet. I have ten kids and we never bother to close the door when we have sex.

Now piss off and stop stalking me around Mumsnet.

You describe him as “filthy and dirty”

you

And what you said on the other thread was that posters are jealous about the OP’s young teen son walking in on her having sex.

So you sound very compatible with this filthy guy

🤣🤣🤣

😆😆

I have ten kids and we never bother to close the door when we have sex.

Sweet lord.

I don’t think you should be in any relationship. For your sake and the man’s.

I'm sorry. I misspoke.

I have twenty kids and my grotty man and I have sex all day long in the garden.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It is. He never showers or cleans his teeth, and you should see his yellow toe nails!

I can just imagine this couple. And it makes me feel a bit sick when I do.

Haven’t read all the replies but guess I am not the only one who will say if you’re going to pull back and not see him as much then you have nothing to lose by going all in, telling him how you feel and taking the gamble. If it doesn’t work you’d be in the same place as if you’d pulled back. One life and all those things. A dirty, sexy man has to be worth it ;0)

Don't just send the song, orchestrate a whole rom-com moment, with a hidden speaker to belt out the angry anderson tune at precisely the right moment!

OP, your gut is to protect yourself and i think you are right.

Pull back. Get back out there a bit at least.

He would have moved it on a bit if he really wanted to.

Don't risk your heart.