AIBU to turn away from this man?

[NameChangeMay2026]

FWB for 4.5 years and have just fallen in love with him. Need help.

I am against relationships. My horrible abusive prior marriage fucked me up so badly. I can't describe the shock when he walked out and left me alone in a foreign country, where we had made our lives, and the longterm depression that followed. I've seen the underbelly of relationships and now I can never un-see it. This total lack of faith in commitment is how I managed to stay feelings-free for so long. I do not believe in love. Everyone's out for themselves and male love is so shallow, all based on looks. You only have to look at the difference between how slim women and larger women are treated to see that. I have been both. When I was very slim, many years ago, the power I had with men was insane. It's truly pathetic.

He's a filthy dirty sexy man who has been lovely to me for a long time, and 18 months ago told me that he loves me. We don't that near, about an hour apart, so there's a built-in stop, which suits me well. I know he was unfaithful in his last marriage, which is a big thing that put me off. I figured that I was so broken about relationships and they were all crap and that I'd rather be hung up by my thumbs than ever marry or live with anyone again, so I might as well sleep with the sexy rogue. I could not ever imagine having anything but in-the-moment feelings for anyone again.

Maybe you would call it a casual relationship rather than FWB.

He's just lost his second parent and he sent me a link to the hundreds of family photos he's putting into a video. I made the mistake of looking at them, and I saw how gorgeous he was down the years, and still is, and how lovely his family is, and I don't know, it's done something to me. He looks so good in his new suit for the funeral. Now I'm sitting here playing teenage love songs and contemplating sending him Falling by Angry Anderson! It wouldn't be inappropriate, he's said he loves me many times, but I don't believe him. If he can cheat on his former wife and the mother of his children, he can do it to anyone.

I think relationships are a pile of utter horseshit. They promise the earth and then let you down from a great height. And don't get me started on marriage. Most people shouldn't be married. Most cannot live up to the promises of marriage. So I see no point, except to have sexy in-the-moment fun, and we have had a ton of that.

Now, how do I get out of these feelings? Withdraw a little? Throw a bucket of cold water over myself? See other people? I have actually tried that over the years, and found a couple of people I liked who ruined it by getting really sexual really fast. My FWB has excellent bedroom manners. I haven't really tried to date others in ages because my dad got cancer in 2022 and died in 2025.

YABU - Go for it with him. Send the song, fall into his arms, throw caution to the wind.
YANBU - Making a conscious decision not to play the love game is a perfectly reasonable approach to life if the stakes are too high for you. Withdraw gracefully.

I'm too old to have kids and he has adult kids, so there's no issue with life trajectories or anything. We're past all that.

Yes but this involved the two of you.

If I were you I'd try to dial down the general drama and hyperbole. You've just got the hots for a bloke, but are cautious about risking being hurt again in a relationship. Perfectly normal, happens to many of us.
The usual advice would be just to play it by ear. Enjoy his company, see how it goes. I certainly wouldn't be adding another layer of drama to the thing by sending him songs. Because all that will happen if he responds is more angst on your part. Try to relax and keep things light for now.

Ok you like it now, but if you send it I can guarantee you will live to hate it!! No song sending thank us later 😘

Maybe send a different song? That Nelly and Kelly Rowland one? "No matter what I do, all I think about is you" 😍

This. Why can’t this be the end goal? No one has to marry or live together to love each other.

We're 4.5 years in though. I've already seen how it went. This adoration is new...I think it must have been the 652 photos he sent. I feel I know his entire life now!

Why?

Probably not the moment to declare your love right after he’s lost a parent. Let him get through the funeral, grieve, before dropping an emotional bombshell. This is a big life event for him. Don’t make it about you.

In six months or so? Sure give it a go with the sexy rogue. It might not work out, but you know you can recover, you have before.

🤣 @ Angry Anderson

The young ‘uns (and us oldies) showing their ages on this thread.

In all seriousness, if you are still feeling this raw and this fucked over by your last relationship, stay single and invest in yourself - whether that be therapy, or just having a great life without a relationship. You don’t need all this headache and angst over a bloke. Find another sexy rogue to shag?

I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Apart from that, he has been reliable and does what he says he'll do, but it's not hard in a casual relationship, imo.

I'm glad you have no regrets. I don't feel up for getting hurt again, personally. I had a difficult original family, which continued up to the death of my father, and a very difficult marriage. I am done. Other people hurting me has probably already shortened my life, due to weight issues and depression caused by all the stress over decades, and I'm not up for any more.

I do think I'm probably feelin tender towards him right now because he's just lost his second parent, and I know what that's like.

Wise words

Okay, first off, hilarious post and beyond relatable to me! Fuck relationships honestly.

But I don’t know… you sound like you might want to give this a go! Can you give it a go, while keeping your distance a bit, just make it increasingly less casual? Instead of just sex, go on the odd date, weekend away, bring him to the odd event and work up from there? It’s been 4.5 years of this arrangement so you probably have a good idea what a less casual relationship would look like at this stage.

I say fuck it, go for it, keep your wits about you and enjoy.

And don’t send the song! It’s terrible OP!!! I could suggest ‘Nicest Thing - Kate Nash’?

And I also don’t think now is the right time to make any grand statements, he’s recently bereaved, you’re all loved up following a glimpse into his real life… leave the dust settle a bit maybe x

Honestly wishing you all the luck, do give us other cynical, miserable bitches (me!) an update 😂

For the youth

I mean, I've said it back to him, basically because I felt I had no choice. Like, in a casual "Love you too!" sort of way. I sort-of meant it, but now suddenly I'm just all 😍. After 4.5 years, it seems to have broken through my denial.

Not only did he declare his love 18 months ago, he then followed up asking me how I felt about what he said, and if it had changed anything for me. I said not really, I still think love is crap. I said "I sort-of love you too, but I'm not into relationships." He said he understood.

I don't think I can recover, that's the point. I haven't recovered yet from my dad's long illness and death and selling the family home and - oh yes, I'm not divorced yet! (We've been separated for nine years.) Divorce later this year and then I have to move. The stress just goes on and on and on.

"male love is so shallow, all based on looks"

Well that's a load of bollocks for a start.

Especially given the fact that you seem to have fallen in "love" with him based on how hot he looked in all his old photos.

You like him, he likes you, stop putting roadblocks up for yourself just because you had a crap relationship many years ago.

Relationships end, people get hurt. Everyone is capable of cheating on their partner in the right (wrong) set of circumstances or doing something else to hurt them massively.

He loves you, and you've strung him along for years. Either take the risk properly or put him out of his misery.

What I'm getting from the OP is that if she gives herself permission to fall in love she could risk getting her heart broken. What if he fucks her around or goes cold?
@NameChangeMay2026 how do you think he'd feel or react if you talked to him about it & explained where your head & heart are at (after he's had time to process his loss)?
Lay it on the line - if he thinks he can't or won't commit to more, then you know you need to walk away.

Oh, I've loved it for years! It's the B side to Suddenly, which is the wedding theme song from Charlene and Scott's wedding on Neighbours!

I have no shame.

God love you OP but that song is pure shite

Strung him along?? I told him at the start not to get emotionally involved.

I bet the only reason he's so keen is because I haven't rolled over. Many years ago in my twenties, I really wanted to settle down, and no one was interested! Before this guy, I had similar with a couple of others. They only want what they can't have. As Taylor Swift says, "Boys only want love if it's torture." 😡

I'm still legally married. I emigrated for the marriage. It destroyed me when he left. I cannot tell you the depth of the adjustment required when a longterm marriage goes bang, especially one that changed your life so completely. I'm not sure you can understand. I knew what the rest of my life would look like, and now I have no idea.

🤣 But why? The music and lyrics are so beautiful. What's shite about it???

I won't send it though. Will rely on my Mumsnet sisters to think for me while my brain is clearly scrambled!

I think he would commit. And then I think he would shag around on the side. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't trust him.

Strung him along?? I told him at the start not to get emotionally involved.

Yes. I liked the photos, but that's in conjunction with knowing him now.

I bet the only reason he's so keen is because I haven't rolled over. Many years ago in my twenties, I really wanted to settle down, and no one was interested! Before this guy, I had similar with a couple of others. They only want what they can't have. As Taylor Swift says, "Boys only want love if it's torture." 😡

I'm still legally married. I emigrated for the marriage. It destroyed me when he left. I cannot tell you the depth of the adjustment required when a longterm marriage goes bang, especially one that changed your life so completely. I'm not sure you can understand. I knew what the rest of my life would look like, and now I have no idea.

Thank you!

I think I'll withdraw a bit for self-protection.

I disagree about the song, but people are so horrified I won't send it! I'll look up that song you recommend.

What about Room in Your Heart by Living in a Box? If I were to send a song, which I probably won't.

For someone who doesnt believe in loving relationships theres an awful lot of teenage angst going on! It reminds me of those photo stories you used to get in girl magazines. Just enjoy the sex if you dont want anything else ?