AIBU to turn away from this man?

[NameChangeMay2026]

FWB for 4.5 years and have just fallen in love with him. Need help.

I am against relationships. My horrible abusive prior marriage fucked me up so badly. I can't describe the shock when he walked out and left me alone in a foreign country, where we had made our lives, and the longterm depression that followed. I've seen the underbelly of relationships and now I can never un-see it. This total lack of faith in commitment is how I managed to stay feelings-free for so long. I do not believe in love. Everyone's out for themselves and male love is so shallow, all based on looks. You only have to look at the difference between how slim women and larger women are treated to see that. I have been both. When I was very slim, many years ago, the power I had with men was insane. It's truly pathetic.

He's a filthy dirty sexy man who has been lovely to me for a long time, and 18 months ago told me that he loves me. We don't that near, about an hour apart, so there's a built-in stop, which suits me well. I know he was unfaithful in his last marriage, which is a big thing that put me off. I figured that I was so broken about relationships and they were all crap and that I'd rather be hung up by my thumbs than ever marry or live with anyone again, so I might as well sleep with the sexy rogue. I could not ever imagine having anything but in-the-moment feelings for anyone again.

Maybe you would call it a casual relationship rather than FWB.

He's just lost his second parent and he sent me a link to the hundreds of family photos he's putting into a video. I made the mistake of looking at them, and I saw how gorgeous he was down the years, and still is, and how lovely his family is, and I don't know, it's done something to me. He looks so good in his new suit for the funeral. Now I'm sitting here playing teenage love songs and contemplating sending him Falling by Angry Anderson! It wouldn't be inappropriate, he's said he loves me many times, but I don't believe him. If he can cheat on his former wife and the mother of his children, he can do it to anyone.

I think relationships are a pile of utter horseshit. They promise the earth and then let you down from a great height. And don't get me started on marriage. Most people shouldn't be married. Most cannot live up to the promises of marriage. So I see no point, except to have sexy in-the-moment fun, and we have had a ton of that.

Now, how do I get out of these feelings? Withdraw a little? Throw a bucket of cold water over myself? See other people? I have actually tried that over the years, and found a couple of people I liked who ruined it by getting really sexual really fast. My FWB has excellent bedroom manners. I haven't really tried to date others in ages because my dad got cancer in 2022 and died in 2025.

YABU - Go for it with him. Send the song, fall into his arms, throw caution to the wind.
YANBU - Making a conscious decision not to play the love game is a perfectly reasonable approach to life if the stakes are too high for you. Withdraw gracefully.

I'm too old to have kids and he has adult kids, so there's no issue with life trajectories or anything. We're past all that.

How outlandish was outlandish?? I recently said no to urethral sounding, which he accepted without question.

I challenged him to show me his best kink, if he was so kinky, and he refused! 🤣

I haven't had therapy, but perhaps I need it!

Yes send him that please! 🤣

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Haha, I would be saying no as well! That has absolutely never appealed to me, I didn’t think people even did that in real life!

I won’t get into how outlandish, but it was outlandish…. He built me my own made to measure bondage cross for a start 😂 He was good with his hands 😂

Honestly, I’m a massive advocate for therapy. You’ve had a lot going on, you now have these complex feelings where your head and heart are at odds, talking things through with an unbiased, and qualified, observer can be life changing.

I'm not sure he's ever done it to anybody. I do know he's done it to himself. I did say he's a sex maniac!

Built you your own made-to-measure bondage cross! Dying. Absolutely dying! 🤣🤣🤣

I imagine it was quite handy for hanging clothes on? 🤣

There's a song called Freak on a Leash. Maybe I should send him that! 🤣🤭

Or A.D.I.D.A.S ?

Haha, I know, never thought I’d have someone build me a bondage cross, amongst so many other things! 🤭 But all jokes aside, it was actually a beautiful piece of craftsmanship! 😂

It sounds like you’re having a bit of a wobble, maybe it’s a simple as you’re an empath and feel for him because you know what it’s like to lose a parent and your feelings are growing because of that. Whatever it is though, try not to ignore the thoughts, dissect them a bit and figure them out.

And think about therapy, it’s not a weakness, it really can bring a self understanding that will make you so much stronger and more at ease.

Absolutely not saying you’re not strong or at ease by the way!!! Hope it doesn’t come across like that. I just find therapy can be a really productive way of figuring things out.

Definitely more productive than taking advice from us miserable, cynical witches on here anyway 😂

Thank you! I will think about it. Mumsnet witches much more fun than therapy tho!

I know!!! I haven't been in this state since I was 14. So stupid!

True! But you can have both 😂

Are you seeing and supporting him throughout his bereavement btw? Is the funeral something you will go to?

‘Suddenly’ is much better and the whole Scott and Charlene vibe

Yes, I'm being very supportive, as I would be for any close friend. I lost my parents many years before my peers, so I'm the go-to for everyone in my circle. And yes to funeral. He looks incredible in his new suit.

Mooning like a teenager. WHY NOW AFTER 4.5 YEARS! It's sick, is what it is.

Yes, I love the piano solo at the beginning.

Thats nice OP, glad to hear you’re both supportive of each other. Are you going to the funeral with him? Or attending separately?

And who knows why now? Maybe as I said, you’re an empath watching him go through a hard time and just growing feelings in this exact moment and the moment will pass? Maybe this has been coming for a while, your feelings have been growing and you’ve understandably dismissed them, but now you see someone you love hurting, and it’s made you realise you really love them?

Who knows! My advice is just to try and sit with the feelings for now, understand what you’re feeling and what you want, don’t talk to him until he’s processed his loss, if you want to at all, but also don’t close yourself off to experiences, affection, companionship, because of how hurt you’ve been. I’m honestly in the same boat, I’ve sworn off dating, can’t be arsed, they’re all shit. I’m happy getting my shots and giggles and make my intentions clear as well. But it sounds like you have something you should give a good bit of thought to. It’s been 4.5 years so it deserves that at least.

Goodnight and I’d love to hear an update!

Going separately. I don't know his family.

Thank you so much for all the advice! It could well be heightened feelings bc of the death. I never met his parents, but they were lovely, by all accounts. They'd have been wonderful parents in law. Much better than the lot I got (actually I never had a FIL). Maybe I'm just sad that I never met his dad and now I never will.

I'll see if this crush-within-a-relationship passes.

And in the meantime, you would be APPALLED by my current playlist! Current listening to Alone by Heart! 🤣