My dad is always lying

[bltwithoutthet]

And they’re not little lies either.

For example, he had a minor medical procedure yesterday, under general anaesthetic. He doesn’t feel up to doing the normal childcare he does this week (not my kids, but I’m in the group chat!)

Hes text to say that he’s been advised total bed rest for 48 hours. Now I know this is rubbish because the leaflet says he needs to be up and about to avoid blood clots.

He also lied after an abnormal FIT test and said he’d been told he likely had cancer - when he’d been told the opposite

I just find it so frustrating that he never tells the truth. He doesn’t feel up to it, so just say that? It aggravates me because it’s hard to tell when he’s being serious.

What was his childhood like?

Do the beneficiaries of the childcare tend to push boundaries? I can see why he would claim he had been advised bed rest if he was concerned that just telling them he didn’t feel up to it wouldn’t be accepted.

The cancer comment is trickier for you all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. It’s hard for you because it must have caused worry. I wonder if your dad is someone who likes to be a bit of a martyr, or who feels like he doesn’t get the sympathy or cosseting he would like if there isn’t a certain level of seriousness. Or perhaps he’s just someone who thrives on a bit of drama.

I don’t really know how you should approach it except to suggest you try not to engage with or feed into the drama of his claims, just stay neutral and calm and factual. Easier said than done though.

I can understand the bed rest one as if he says he has to be up and about they might expect childcare. The cancer one not so much

What is his response when you query him about the lies?

Do you have history of having to be “right” op? People will sometimes feel they have to give an “acceptable reason” that feels ligit rather than their preference so it’s more palatable to the other party.

Just leave it and move on

He gets so angry and claims we have no idea what we were talking about

It’s not me, it’s just so frustrating

I'm not sure what other lies he's told but I would say that the childcare lie was really understandable and something that I think most people would do. He maybe thought it was politer than saying 'I'm far too tired and recovering from a general anaesthetic' (to be honest even minor ops under G.A. are significant and you do feel pretty exhausted for several days afterwards so he could very well not be up to caring for kids).

The cancer one is also a little bit open to interpretation because an abnormal result on a FIT test can be due to cancer. If he carried on saying it was cancer, after finding out that it was caused by something else then obviously that's a huge lie.

He feels rubbish and is making excuses to not be lumbered with someone else’s kids.
He obviously has some health issues whoever the children’s are should stop leaving him responsible for them he’s not enjoying it, doesn't want to do it and can’t seem to get out of it without being untruthful.

The really infuriating thing is he could? He could easily just say he doesn’t feel up to it and they’d respect that. But he feels compelled to lie

I think for me it’s just so frustrating because he is, by all accounts, a pretty healthy man. He’s made some really poor health choices over his life but is decently healthy. But it seems like he wants everything to be worse than it is - a cold becomes the flu, an abnormal FIT test becomes bowel cancer, take it easy becomes complete bed rest

I understand the first lie. He’s probably sick and tired of being used for childcare and now he’s unwell, he’ll use that as an opportunity to get himself off for as long as he can. He should actually tell them he can’t do it anymore, that way he won’t have to lie at all to get off that.
I don’t understand the cancer lie but could it be he’s trying to look sicker than he is so that he’s not asked to provide childcare anymore or be used for whatever and that’s why he told the lie?

Leave the poor guy alone. He sounds fed up with having people interfering and expecting childcare.

It's a bit odd that you know details of his FIT test tbh.

Leaflets are there to provide basic and generic information. Doctors / nurses are there to give you specific and personalised advice on a case to case basis.

Maybe he has health anxiety? Which means a calm and understanding approach. Not a massive eye roll and adult children running to the internet for a whinge!

He’s absolutely fine with doing the childcare - it’s genuinely his lifeline since he gave up work. He adores it. It’s not to do with that, it’s just this really bizarre need for everything medical to be much worse than it is.

He told us about his FIT test! Everything that happens is immediately explained to us in long text messages.

Usually my mum will then follow up with private texts telling us what actually happened - for example the FIT test where she explained he was told he likely didn’t have bowel cancer.

Healthy anxiety - look it up.

How old is he? My mother is elderly, and tends to exaggerate her symptoms if she is unwell, or catastrophise anything health related.
I think it’s part health anxiety as she is older and more frail, which is scary, and part of it is attention seeking.

I feel sorry for her to be honest. Maybe your dad is similar, just wants some sympathy.

I do understand health anxiety, but I don’t think that’s what this is. I could understand if he was anxious about his health, but surely then you’re going to downplay anything? It’s like every little thing he has wrong is so serious that he genuinely thinks he’ll die. Even a normal blood test is catastrophic in his mind

He’s in his 70s, so not even that old. I’d have more sympathy if it wasn’t like this to be honest. It’s the boy who cried wolf!

Yup I work in healthcare and this screams health anxiety.

Unfortunately I think health anxiety is common in older people - they imagine the worst possible outcome for their symptoms.

My mother loves googling all the horrible side effects to medication she is given, and worrying about things that will probably never happen.

Not sure what you can do about it really, he’s obviously struggling to deal with things.

He’s only in his 70s! There’s imagining the worst and then there’s actually wishing for it by trying to speak it into existence

Unfortunately it’s not a logical response. It’s emotional/ fear based.

I would love if my mother actually appreciated her relatively good health and enjoyed her life, but she will always focus on the bad.

Maybe just try and let it go, or make sympathetic noises but don’t get too involved.

I think I’ve lost sympathy because I deal with a lot of genuinely very unwell people in my job. So when he starts this routine I just don’t have the energy for it, when I’m dealing with people who are dying but making the best of their lives

Just want to point out to you @bltwithoutthet that someone in their 70s is elderly. On average in England, a man in his mid seventies would have about another 10 years to live.