My dad is always lying

[bltwithoutthet]

And they’re not little lies either.

For example, he had a minor medical procedure yesterday, under general anaesthetic. He doesn’t feel up to doing the normal childcare he does this week (not my kids, but I’m in the group chat!)

Hes text to say that he’s been advised total bed rest for 48 hours. Now I know this is rubbish because the leaflet says he needs to be up and about to avoid blood clots.

He also lied after an abnormal FIT test and said he’d been told he likely had cancer - when he’d been told the opposite

I just find it so frustrating that he never tells the truth. He doesn’t feel up to it, so just say that? It aggravates me because it’s hard to tell when he’s being serious.

Whose kids ard they, did your mum offer to look after them instead. He's got health anxiety and maybe a bit hypochondriac but why does your mum tell you, in secret phonecalls, that he's OK, that's a bit unfair and laughing behind his back. Cant you all just go along with it, brush if off, he won't be around for ever and in the big scheme of things does it really matter.

My dad is terrible for this. He’s been dying of something for the last twenty years despite being extremely healthy. If he had a sniffle it’s the flu, a chesty cough it’s bronchitis, if I call him out on it he just waves it off.

I think he is genuinely anxious about his health coupled with being a bit dramatic and having a negative outlook. It’s tedious but I think it’s very common for this age group

This isn’t what happens at all, believe me he shared it all. He had the abnormal FIT test and went to a specialist appointment, my mum went with him and he was told it was likely due to some really strong antibiotics he had been on causing some gastrointestinal irritation.

He then starts googling, decides it’s bowel cancer and starts telling my sister that he’s decided he’ll have chemo over surgery as he doesn’t think he’d recover well from surgery! He says that’s what was discussed at this specialist appointment and all the rest.

He then has his CT colonoscopy scan, it’s all clear, and he acts like it never even happened.

My sister’s. I think it’s genuinely just attention seeking

@MissMoneyFairyi don’t think it’s unfair of her to tell us what’s actually happened! If we listened to him we’d genuinely think we’re spending our last few weeks with him.

Another example - he’s anaemic. He will always be anaemic as he refuses to take the iron tablets he’s been prescribed. He just has a poor diet and won’t comply with those medications. Of course, he’s googled chronic anaemia and at one point was telling everyone he had leukaemia! It’s genuinely so draining, someone needs to tell us the truth because it’s so unfair to the rest of us.

In the 2 you mention, could he have said bed rest meaning not doing much, as in not up to babysitting? You can be too ill to do childcare after minor surgery, especially getting up and down and running after kids. And the test you mention, if abnormal, can indicate cancer, though obviously there's lots of less serious reasons. And some people genuinely have health anxiety, and worry if there's blood in a stool, ven if the doc says they think it's something else. But if there's lots of other things where he lies, health anxiety wouldn't explain it all.

No, he said “total bed rest for 48 hours” (starting two days after his surgery), when all literature from his surgeon and his discharge summary state he needs to be active (with no heavy lifting) in order to avoid blood clots. Just say you’re not up to babysitting!

With the FIT test, he gets them back abnormal every time. They’re pretty sure it’s because he’s got some inflammation post food poisoning. But this time he was told, in no uncertain terms, they were as confident as they could be that he had the positive FIT because of the antibiotics he had been on. He then spun a story that he had been told it was cancer, he had been told he’d have chemo over surgery and he “would not survive” the surgery needed. I don’t think that’s just health anxiety. That’s just a pure lie and I genuinely cannot wrap my head around why you’d tell anyone that?! When it just hasn’t happened!

I guess I just find it frustrating because it’s really hard to tell what is actually serious, and what is just him exaggerating and playing it up. It’s really hard to constantly cope with the emotional side of it - one day I think he’s dying of some form of cancer, the next he’s fine. It’s exhausting and it’s a cycle my siblings have noticed too, that there’s always something that he’s anxious and fixated on. He is, all things considered, in very good health. He has beautiful grandchildren, a lovely house and garden, a loving and supportive wife and numerous children who all love and care for him. He’s comfortable financially, he will never have to worry about a thing. It feels so infuriating that he can’t focus on those good things, and instead he comes up with these outrageous lies that get us all worked up.

You dont sound as though you understand health anxiety tbh. You sound tediously judgemental and very sure that you know what's best for him.

Has it ever occurred to you to just back off?

i’m pretty sure I have some level of health anxiety myself. I don’t think it can be used to explain some of the lies he’s told, especially when it comes to cancer. He seems to think the worst every time and decide, with no basis, that he’s got it every month.

And again with the judgement. If he believes the worst then he's not lying to deceive you, he's just telling you the facts as he sees them. And if you know he's prone to this then why are you getting so stressed about it? You don't have to fact check everything thst comes out of his mouth. Just nod, make a sympathetic sound and get on with your day.

But it’s not believing the worst is it? It’s being told one thing and coming up with an entirely different story.

“We believe your abnormal FIT is due to strong antibiotics and previous inflammation” does not suddenly become being diagnosed with cancer with no colonoscopy and having a treatment plan laid out for you, does it?

I always find it odd when people accuse other people of lying. You don't know he is lying, and just because he has a different experience and perception of appointments than your mum does doesn't mean she is right and he is wrong. In fact it sounds like your mum is actively undermining your dad and you seem caught up in it. Your dad is absolutely entitled to his own experience and anxieties and the fact he annoys you says something more about you than about him. You should try to work out what it is. People are entitled to their own perspective and their own mind without being accused of lying. You don't have access to his mind so you can't say whether he is lying and you should certainly stop using that word.

I have seen exactly this OP.
My ex MiL would tell anyone that would listen , like complete strangers in shops etc that she might have cancer.

My ex FiL became ill with minor symptoms was still working though and we had people approaching us saying they were so sorry about his news and the like. She even had his name read out at church on the ‘prayers for the sick’ , it was all very embarrassing especially as he made a complete recovery and had never stopped doing anything.

With her it definitely went back to her childhood, she had a sibling that was very ill as a child and given saint like status by her parents and other family.
It seemed to her that the possibility of serious ill health was exciting because it meant it was your moment in the spotlight.
Weirdly she did eventually get cancer but was quite low key about it.

My dad who is elderly and in bad health is very like this now, he was in hospital recently but mostly fine and from observing others much sicker than him crying out and getting attention he started doing it, it was quite horrible and upsetting and very hard to understand.

He definitely started hamming things up and getting attention from the doctors, we had to keep reminding him his normal state was not great so his symptoms were not new.
He would have never come home if it was down to him.

I don’t have any advice or explanation but this is definitely a thing.

A different perception? He was told in an appointment that he had a positive fit test, likely due to antibiotics. He walked out saying he had a plan for chemo, that’s a lie! That’s not a different perspective.

I’m so sorry. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? I think for us the worst part is you never want to doubt someone when they say they’ve probably got cancer, so every single time is a fresh wave of worry. I don’t know what his stems from because he’s had such a lovely life, but I do understand that it could be childhood related.

"Hes only in his 70s" he's hardly an energetic teenager!! You are coming across as horribly unsympathetic and judgemental. He's obviously scared that he is getting older and worrying about becoming ill and dying.
Have you considered he might be experiencing dementia symptoms?

He definitely does not have dementia. He’s as sharp as he was 30 years ago. He just lies about his health for some unknown reason.

If his lying is restricted to health matters then I'd say he's likely to have health anxiety as others have suggested.
If it's generalised lying then that's a different problem.
Either way, the lying reflects his mental state and he'd probably benefit from talking to a professional.
It sounds very frustrating, OP.

So say all this to him. I’m not sure what you’re wanting people on here to say. Only he has the answers and only he can stop the behaviour.

One thing I will say though…we might not like it but 70s is old. He might live another 20 years or he could be in the last decade of his life. My mum was a super fit and healthy 75 year old with a love of life. Developed dementia symptoms and died just before her 80th birthday. People are different, some will ignore genuine health complaints, others become hyper aware of their own mortality and over think every ailment/abnormality. If he hasn’t always been like this then surely it’s got to be age related.

Were you at the appointment? Even if you were, what you heard and what he heard would be different. He would have been very anxious and even if the doctor said it might be due to antibiotics obviously they wouldn't have recalled him if there was no chance it was cancer. He had to have a colonoscopy to to rule out cancer so there obviously was a chance it might be cancer and given it was him affected that would have been what filled his mind. Are you not able to put yourself in his shoes? It's very frightening being recalled after screening because they are screening for cancer. Anxiety causes one to focus on worst case scenarios and to over emphasise the possibilities and not hear or ignore the more likely probabilities. That is not remotely the same as lying. You said you suffer from health anxiety so you ought to know what it's like.

Of course it’s worrying, but I don’t think it’s fair to then say he’s got free rein to say what he likes. I wasn’t there, but my mum was. He didn’t just say “oh there’s a chance it’s cancer and I’m scared”, he came out and span a tale that he’d been told it was cancer, he’d not be able to have surgery, he was going to be starting chemotherapy soon etc. That was a clear fabrication because none of that had even been mentioned!

Hey! Don’t scaremonger! Life expectancy doesn’t work like that. The longer you live, obviously, the longer your life expectancy. You don’t just deduct the person’s age from the average.

At 70 years old, his life expectancy is 86.

Why is everyone tying themselves in knots here to say maybe he isn’t lying or it’s ’his truth’ !

People are complex and sometimes do weird things we don’t understand.
OP is trying to understand his behaviour and sadly is still at a loss it doesn’t mean she is a villain.

FWIW I also care for someone with very severe health anxiety who has just refused further treatment or investigation for serious symptoms that likely indicate something very wrong.
She swings from attention seeking (not me being mean very much does this ) about health conditions she has accepted that feel safe to her, a bit like a child, to this that involves out and out lies about symptoms she denies having that I have to manage and witness daily.
Ultimately she has a huge fear of death and hospitals to the point that all reason and rational goes out of the window, so maybe he does have a strange presentation of this OP and even he can’t explain it but you just have to manage it by ensuring someone else is always at appointments with him.

I do understand how frustrating dealing with someone like that is!! Both of my parents exaggerate scenarios to get out of something or just to sound dramatic in general as part of storytelling. They will say they have too much on to babysit their toddler grandchild (not mine) when I know they just don’t want to do it, but will agree and cancel the day before dropping the parent in it! It’s so annoying listening to excuses when I just want them to be honest and save everyone the bother of looking for alternatives!
Another one is they’ll exaggerate other people’s health and how bad they look to other close relatives.
They were in a car crash and my DF called me and told me how awful and bad the crash was, they drove the car home and didn’t need checking out!
Just worrying everyone for the sake of it.
My advice is to take EVERYTHING with a pinch of salt, tone down your DFs version of events.