My dad is always lying

[bltwithoutthet]

And they’re not little lies either.

For example, he had a minor medical procedure yesterday, under general anaesthetic. He doesn’t feel up to doing the normal childcare he does this week (not my kids, but I’m in the group chat!)

Hes text to say that he’s been advised total bed rest for 48 hours. Now I know this is rubbish because the leaflet says he needs to be up and about to avoid blood clots.

He also lied after an abnormal FIT test and said he’d been told he likely had cancer - when he’d been told the opposite

I just find it so frustrating that he never tells the truth. He doesn’t feel up to it, so just say that? It aggravates me because it’s hard to tell when he’s being serious.

Yeah we don’t let him go alone now. It’s a shame it’s come to this but when he completely misrepresents what’s happening it’s a necessity.

Yes I think that’s where I’m at now. I just can’t really believe what he says anymore.

You say he never tells the truth yet your examples are about his health.

What else does he lie about?

I should’ve just said about his health to be fair, I’d just reached the end of my tether yesterday when he sent the message about “total bed rest” (which would be a lot of pressure on my mum so would mean I need to take emergency leave etc), when what he meant was to take it easy.

Why would you need to take emergency leave if he actually was on bedrest, how do you all cope when someone is genuinely unwell and stays in bed for a few days.

Because the way he made it sound is that he couldn’t move, my mum is in her 60s, can’t help with moving him etc due to her own health issues (no heavy lifting for her), he made it sound like he was on death’s door and then you go and see him that night and he’s on about getting into the garden tomorrow!

Thank you for replying so promptly @bltwithoutthet.
I know zip about health anxiety though others with experience have suggested it, so worth a look.
Your reply shows annoyance because of the impacts on others. Why not just take him at his word, believe the patient. Stop second-guessing him.

Bedrest doesn't involve any heavy lifting, I think this is affecting everyone so just ignore it, there's no need for anyone to keep catastrophizing .

Because I know his word is, frankly, utter bollocks. If I took him at his word I’d be believing he’s terminally ill!

Has anyone ever actually gently challenged him, explained how you all feel, and tried to explain that he's actually OK, that he's clearly anxious and maybe a doctor could help.

Yes. I’ve suggested he speaks to someone and he just denies lying. When we show him evidence he just laughs

It could be attention seeking, he could feel left out as you're mum has health problems, it can become a competition. I'd suggest recording, with his and the doctors permission, every single hospital and GP appointment and just not engage in debating who said what. The more fuss people make the more he'll do this, I'd just smile and ignore it.

I would try not to get frustrated with him, I also wouldn't put this as lying as such. Probably he didn't feel up to having the children so he wanted a longer rest - perfectly ok after treatment if he's not up to it. Maybe he doesn't feel able to turn down having the children any other way. Re the cancer issue maybe he felt vulnerable, a lot of people really think the worst is happening (so it's not a lie they actually believe it). Maybe he has anxiety and finds it hard to tell you.

He’s a fantasist who does it for the attention.

Patients only hear 15% of whatmthe doctor says

It’s one thing fearing you have cancer, another to make up a lie about chemo!

Then tell him he got it wrong, that you are all getting stressed with hearing about his ailments and that in future you'll record all the medical appointments.

I get it - I don't have a solution though.

My Dad was the same - he isn't now, he has dementia and asides from ringing us up to tell us he thinks he's dying at least once a week, he now plays down most serious symptoms so he's even harder to sort out and keep safe.

But from his 30s onward (according to a variety of sources, I wasn't around until his 40s and unware of this until his 50s) he's been a massive hypochondriac and will always grab the worst case scenario and also at the same time, ignore sensible advice.

Case in point - he ignored suggestions he had sleep apnea and that symptoms were sleep deprivation.

Decided based on a tiny snippet of something a medical person once said (not HIS dr) that his symptoms were ME.

They are not, we finally got him tested with the sleep monitoring kit, he has severe obstructive sleep apnea. He has had it all his life. He has been sleep deprived for the better part of 80 years now. It is not a surprise that he feels knackered constantly and this affects every other aspect of his life.

He refuses to wear a CPAP mask. Because its awkward and uncomfy. But really, the underlying reason is he then thinks no one will believe him that he has ME. (Not helped by my sister labouring the point that he didn't have ME. It would have been much more constructive to let him think he had both!).

So over the years we've learned to take what he says with a pinch of salt, read between the lines and go to Drs appointments with him!

A general anaesthetic can wipe you out and you can feel very tired for a few days after. I’ve had one. Maybe he wants some time out to himself. Is lying the only way he can get a bit of peace without being asked to do childcare ?

Interesting how so many women are keen to apply the sexist 'poor henpecked man' trope for this situation. Glad the voting doesn't agree though.

Yes! All he had to say is he doesn’t feel up to it. I’ve had a GA before. He didn’t need to lie about total bed rest

had a 78 year old friend who told real whoppers causes lots of terrible arguments in many relationships with her family etc was terrible for attention seeking and getting caught out turned out she had early onset dementia

I hear you @bltwithoutthet. My sister is just like this about her health. I think it is attention seeking, but it is exhausting. She was having some period problems and was referred for a scan. Before she'd even had the scan, people were stopping me in the street to say how sorry they were to hear she had ovarian cancer!

My only solution is to take every thing with a piece of salt because I don't think she will change. Sadly, one day something will be a problem and I probably won't take her seriously.

I felt like this about both my parents until someone alerted me to Confabulation.
this is where a persons brain gets confused as they get older and so their brain makes up stuff to fill the gaps.
I spent a good while berating my parents for their lies until I realised they were not aware they were lying it was their brains filling in gaps with plausible but untrue information.
look it up it’s v interesting.
if it seems so please don’t be too hard on him.

It’s not this.

There isn’t a gap. He’s literally just lying. Plain old lies, I wish I knew why