AIBU to feel uneasy about my children seeing estranged aunt alone?

[TheWisePanda]

I need some advice please on how to protect myself in a difficult situation, and some second opinions on whether or not I’m being reasonable.

A couple of years ago my DH had a huge falling out with his sister. It was around the time of their mother’s death, and her behaviour was incredibly hurtful to DH, me and our kids. I won’t go into what it was about, but it was incredibly upsetting. She was very clear at the time that she did not want to see any of us ever again, and I agreed with DH that was definitely for the best.

two years on and she is starting to make noises about wanting to spend time with our children (without us). She’s said she would like to come and collect them from our house and take them out. I know that DH will see this as a positive and will be hoping this is a step towards reconciliation.

I would never want to stop DH from having a relationship with her, but I do not want to have a relationship with her myself. I know it would be wrong to stop our kids from having a relationship with her, but I don’t trust her, and I feel uncomfortable and conflicted about it. I don’t fear that they would be unsafe, but I don’t trust that hurtful comments wouldn’t be made.

Kids are now 8 and 10 and have not seen her for two years. They haven’t asked about her at all during that time as they were never close, and perhaps saw her once a month or every few months before.

how on earth do I navigate this and protect myself?

I don't think she should have the right to see your children without your or your husband being present. She's been really nasty and said she didn't want anything to do with any of you. Now she wants to pick and choose - I agree she's very likely to want to put her side of the story to your children. They're too young for that.

No, different I’d they were adults but just say oh sorry they wouldn’t be ok without us

I wouldn't agree to this, who knows what she would tell them about you or the reason you fell out - she has no right to see them unless she wants to apologise and reconcile with your husband

There is no way that another adult that wasn't capable of behaving in a reasonable way with other adults would be collecting my children in order to spend time with them unsupervised. I would say she absolutely doesn't get access to your children by bypassing you and your DH, if she wants to rebuild a relationship then that has to be with your DH first.

Nope.

Absolutely not. She can rebuild her relationship with DH first. If that fails or she doesn’t want to she can wait until the children are adults.

No I would not her meeting up without another adult present. You have no idea what she could say about you and your dh to them. If they were older teens maybe it would be ok but not at those ages.

I know it would be wrong to stop our kids from having a relationship with her

I disagree. This is a woman they’ve not seen for two years, didn’t see that often before that, and who their mother does not trust. Of course she cannot just turn up at your house and take them out.

If your DH sees this as a step towards reconciliation I’d say he has it the wrong way round. Any reconciliation needs to be with him first, before she starts taking the children out on her own.

I wouldn’t allow this. She’s not entitled to a relationship with your children.

Has she apologised for the hurtful things she said?

If not - no, I wouldn't let her see them. I wouldn't trust her motives and don't think your DH should either.

Absolutely not

The adults sort things out first, then include the kids if things are better

Do not do it the other way round, it’s not fair on the kids

So how do I manage this with DH? And if he does reconcile with her himself, how do I manage and navigate that to protect myself?

I think saying yes to her seeing the children alone would be very irresponsible, bordering on negligent. I can't believe you're considering handing your children over to a woman you don't trust who won't talk to you! Get some sense, please.

Hard no from me. She needs to repair the relationship with her brother and you BEFORE you let her anywhere near your DCs. You have no idea where her mind is at at the moment, orvwhat she mighrvsay to the DCs.

Apart from anything else, dhe's a stranger to them and it wouldn't be fair on the DCs to send them off with a stranger.

Trust your gut.

If she really wants to repair her relationship with your DH, a coffee with him at the local Costa is a far better place to start.

She would have to come and spend time with them at your house first. They don't know her it would be very unfair to your kids to be sent off out with a perfect stranger and it sets a bad precedent for going with strangers. But I don't suppose she would want to do that, perhaps a trip out with all of you first like a theme park or a zoo so you are not on top of each other. She is going to have to compromise, if you are willing to allow her to see your children it must be on your terms.

No - no apologies at all, and she still isn’t in contact with either of us. The ask to come and collect the children and take them out has come via my MIL.

You just say no.

She wasn’t close to your children. She hasn’t bothered for 2 years. You don’t trust her.

Whilst your DH may see this as a step toward reconciliation I’d be very clear with him that your children are not guinea pigs to be used to test out if SIL has changed.

If someone wants a relationship with my children then they have to have one with me. Not everyone has to be my bestie, but if you can’t bring yourself to even be civil to me then there’s not a hope in hell I’m trusting you with my young children.

Absolutely not.
Your kids’ wellbeing comes before the whims of a mentally unstable aunt.
What on earth is your husband thinking throwing your kids under the bus to “build bridges” - this is NOT their job.
If the adults aren’t capable of meeting and holding a civil conversation to resolve past hurts, no way should innocent unprotected kids be sent her way. Absolute madness.

if You and dh are ready for reconciliation the answer is that the children wouldn’t be happy going out on their own but would she like to come for tea one day. Then her answer tells you everything you need to know about her intentions.

Why would your DH reconcile with someone who you feel you have to protect yourself from? Why would he bring his children around someone you don't trust? Does he care at all about your feelings?

Er, no. You don't reconcile via the kids. The cynic (or maybe the realist?) in me says she wants to rewrite the narrative.

She needs to reconcile with your DH first and be civil with you, before even broaching the subject of a relationship with your DC.

You tell him that the first step is, hecsits down with his sister for a coffee in a cafe, and gauges the situation. That is the least risk to anybody. You take it from there.

ETA and if they can't agree to that, they're nowhere near ready to reconcile, so tell him - leave the kids out of it until the adults can adult.

I’d just say you’re not comfortable for her to take DC out without a parent. If he wants to reconcile and see her with the children then that’s different, as you don’t need to be present if you don’t want to reconcile.

Absolutely no way. Your DC aren't a holiday cottage she's interested in borrowing again now she feels the dust has settled. Your MIL shouldn't have relayed the request.