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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel uneasy about my children seeing estranged aunt alone?

105 replies

TheWisePanda · 11/05/2026 14:15

I need some advice please on how to protect myself in a difficult situation, and some second opinions on whether or not I’m being reasonable.

A couple of years ago my DH had a huge falling out with his sister. It was around the time of their mother’s death, and her behaviour was incredibly hurtful to DH, me and our kids. I won’t go into what it was about, but it was incredibly upsetting. She was very clear at the time that she did not want to see any of us ever again, and I agreed with DH that was definitely for the best.

two years on and she is starting to make noises about wanting to spend time with our children (without us). She’s said she would like to come and collect them from our house and take them out. I know that DH will see this as a positive and will be hoping this is a step towards reconciliation.

I would never want to stop DH from having a relationship with her, but I do not want to have a relationship with her myself. I know it would be wrong to stop our kids from having a relationship with her, but I don’t trust her, and I feel uncomfortable and conflicted about it. I don’t fear that they would be unsafe, but I don’t trust that hurtful comments wouldn’t be made.

Kids are now 8 and 10 and have not seen her for two years. They haven’t asked about her at all during that time as they were never close, and perhaps saw her once a month or every few months before.

how on earth do I navigate this and protect myself?

OP posts:
Butterflyvillage · 11/05/2026 15:04

How about this as a solution:

Both sisters in law and your husband all take your children out somewhere together. You do not need to go. Maybe they go for a meal somewhere? You join them right at the end of the meal for a couple of minutes to take your kids home.

This means you do not need to talk to anyone else, especially that sister in law. Husband can leave at any time if the situation gets uncomfortable and the other sister is there to "referee" and act as a witness.

MaggiesShadow · 11/05/2026 15:07

I would say "thank you for passing on the message. No, the children won't be going off for the day with a woman who is essentially a complete stranger to them."

Because fuck that.

AgnesMcDoo · 11/05/2026 15:07

If both you and DH remain estranged - then she doesn't get to see the kids.

If DH reconciles with her - then its up to DH to manage any interaction with the kids. You don't need to get involved or be part of it.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 11/05/2026 15:12

ohnonotthisargumentagain · 11/05/2026 14:37

if You and dh are ready for reconciliation the answer is that the children wouldn’t be happy going out on their own but would she like to come for tea one day. Then her answer tells you everything you need to know about her intentions.

I think this is a good idea. And you can be 'busy' on the day if you really can't stand to be around her. Another option would be meeting at a playground or park and you and dh can wander a little distance away and maybe get a coffee or something so she is with the kids but you are there in a hands off way.

If dh wants to reconcile then you'll have to roll with it and eventually he might want to drop the kids off to her but I agree with pp that he needs to be reconciled first before kids are involved.

Suzylola22 · 11/05/2026 15:13

I would want to know why she has decided she wants contact now and meet her in a neutral setting without the children. It will take time to build a relationship again and to trust her. Its not fair on your children to be used in reconciliation

GenialHarrietGrouty · 11/05/2026 15:18

This just needs a response from your husband along the lines of "Great to hear from you, would really like to get together to talk things through, we can maybe discuss us visiting with the children after that.

BlackRowan · 11/05/2026 15:19

Absolutely not

why does she want to see them without you present given that she doesn’t have ongoing relationship with them ? It’s actually quite odd/suspicious.

why would anyone view it as positive sign?

Catatemysandwich · 11/05/2026 15:20

I’ve had an almost identical situation. Big falling out with SIL around the time of my MIL’s death. A lot was said that can’t be taken back. We’ve agreed that SIL won’t see the kids on her own - at least not until/unless the rift with DH is resolved. She is unpredictable and can be manipulative so I know she would say things that would confuse them.

The difference is she had a good relationship with them before and was always the ‘fun auntie’. But I don’t entirely trust her and can also do without the drama! She does send them the odd message and voucher for birthdays which is kind of her and they reply with thanks (young teens so they have phones/email).

Good luck with the situation, I feel your pain…

Dragracer · 11/05/2026 15:22

I literally would reply "😂😂😂 how fucking stupid. Obviously that's not going to happen."

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 11/05/2026 15:27

Surely you remind dh your responsibility is to keep your dc's life free from toxicity?

themonkeysnuts · 11/05/2026 15:32

they are your kids not 'borrow my doggie for a walk' i dont understand why you are even giving this any headspace. big fat No !

diddl · 11/05/2026 15:34

So she hasn't even asked herself?

She has asked via a sister-why is the sister getting involved & not telling her to sort it out herself with her brother?

Vaxtable · 11/05/2026 15:35

It would be a no from me. I would be going back and saying until such time as she apologies and rebuilds the relationship with her brother and you the children will not be seeing their aunt

who knows what poison she will spout to them. They don’t know her and I would suggest her behaviour is such that she doesn’t deserve a relationship with them

KilkennyCats · 11/05/2026 15:35

Why would you even consider this?
Tell her no!

Lunde · 11/05/2026 15:42

TheWisePanda · 11/05/2026 14:36

No - no apologies at all, and she still isn’t in contact with either of us. The ask to come and collect the children and take them out has come via my MIL.

Show quote history

Who is MIL? I thought their mother died at the time of the fall out?

Original poster
TheWisePanda · 11/05/2026 15:44

Lunde · 11/05/2026 15:42

Who is MIL? I thought their mother died at the time of the fall out?

Show quote history

Sorry I explained that further back in the chain - it was a typo, I meant to write other SIL (DH second sister who he still has a good relationship with)

OP posts:
KilkennyCats · 11/05/2026 15:45

TheWisePanda · 11/05/2026 14:36

No - no apologies at all, and she still isn’t in contact with either of us. The ask to come and collect the children and take them out has come via my MIL.

Show quote history

Your dead MIL? 🤔

Original poster
TheWisePanda · 11/05/2026 15:46

KilkennyCats · 11/05/2026 15:45

Your dead MIL? 🤔

Show quote history

I’ve corrected this above a couple of times - just got in a muddle and was rushing

OP posts:
TessSaysYes · 11/05/2026 15:46

It sounds like you hardly know her?
Say no. She can come and have coffee at your place if she wants to be in contact( if that works)...but don't be suffering her pushiness after her basically being no contact for a while.

Original poster
TheWisePanda · 11/05/2026 15:48

TessSaysYes · 11/05/2026 15:46

It sounds like you hardly know her?
Say no. She can come and have coffee at your place if she wants to be in contact( if that works)...but don't be suffering her pushiness after her basically being no contact for a while.

I did go out of my way to try and build a good relationship with her, but that was chucked back at me

OP posts:
godmum56 · 11/05/2026 15:49

I think that you have to set aside the "protecting yourself" for the moment. If your husband would see this as a step forward, (this is going to sound horrible) then I would not trust him to manage the situation, as has been suggested. I would be saying that if your husband really wants to go ahead with this then both you and he will be with the kids all of the time that your SIL is there, and any misbehaviour on her part will result in you and the kids leaving instantly, your husband can go with you or stay, his choice....but my preference would be not to involve the children unless and until there is a proper reconciliation among the adults. With respect I don't think you can pull out of the relationship with SIL if your husband is going to choose to go ahead with it, because if he is willing to allow his Sil to have the kids on her own, I don't think you can trust his judgement and you will need to be in a position to know what is going in and to protect your kids.

Babaar · 11/05/2026 15:53

I know it would be wrong to stop our kids from having a relationship with her

That's utter nonsense. I'd say it would be wrong to send your kids out with a woman they don't know who hates their parents. She is not entitled to any relationship with them. If your DH wants some sort of reconciliation that's up to him, but your kids cannot be dragged into this nonsense

canklesmctacotits · 11/05/2026 15:53

At 8 and 10yo, the aunt isn’t entitled to a relationship with her niece/nephew independently of their parents. They don’t have the tools yet to manage adult relationships where the adult cannot be relied upon to have their absolute best interests first and foremost. You doubt this is the case, hence your reticence. And this is what you say to your DH.

Moreover, if the woman lacks the maturity to speak to one or both parents herself, and needs her big sister to do her talking for her, she absolutely lacks the maturity to put the children’s interests ahead of hers.

She may well be fond of these children (although can’t see how if she hasn’t seen them in so long) but she has some growing up to do herself before she’s put in charge of any children. Children aren’t pawns at her disposal to help her escape the consequences of her actions. And “sorry but I was grieving” wouldn’t cut it with me, either.

FloofyKat · 11/05/2026 15:54

If she wants to see the children again (although I’m not sure why she does, it doesn’t sound as if there’s much of a relationship to resurrect) then she needs to approach your DH first to see if bridges can be rebuilt. She has to want this first, be genuine, and apologise in a meaningful way for her previous behaviour. She needs to fully acknowledge her fault and accept that rebuilding the relationship isn’t going to happen overnight. And then, only then, might DH and you feel willing to consider perhaps spending a little time with her. And if that goes well, perhaps you will consider inviting her to spend some time with you and the DC together. Only once all these steps have been completed will you even consider allowing her to spend time alone with the DC, and only if they are happy for this to happen.

If your DH seems to think it’s ok for her to step right back in as if nothing has happened, you need to spell all this out to him.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/05/2026 16:01

My children are my priority, if you and I are not on good terms then you do not get access to my children.

She hasn't even approached you like an adult, she doesn't want to see either you or your husband yet expects you to deliver your children to her
Beg my pardon but is she on crack?