AIBU to feel uneasy about my children seeing estranged aunt alone?

[TheWisePanda]

I need some advice please on how to protect myself in a difficult situation, and some second opinions on whether or not I’m being reasonable.

A couple of years ago my DH had a huge falling out with his sister. It was around the time of their mother’s death, and her behaviour was incredibly hurtful to DH, me and our kids. I won’t go into what it was about, but it was incredibly upsetting. She was very clear at the time that she did not want to see any of us ever again, and I agreed with DH that was definitely for the best.

two years on and she is starting to make noises about wanting to spend time with our children (without us). She’s said she would like to come and collect them from our house and take them out. I know that DH will see this as a positive and will be hoping this is a step towards reconciliation.

I would never want to stop DH from having a relationship with her, but I do not want to have a relationship with her myself. I know it would be wrong to stop our kids from having a relationship with her, but I don’t trust her, and I feel uncomfortable and conflicted about it. I don’t fear that they would be unsafe, but I don’t trust that hurtful comments wouldn’t be made.

Kids are now 8 and 10 and have not seen her for two years. They haven’t asked about her at all during that time as they were never close, and perhaps saw her once a month or every few months before.

how on earth do I navigate this and protect myself?

same situation with me, mil died & sil went nuts accusing us of all sorts.
asked eventually to see DC - we said no. DC never ask about her, and don’t see why we should let a toxic person into their lifes not for their gain but for the aunts gain. No chance.

This is another frustrating thread where no one has a backbone isn’t it.
”Manage it with DH”? - you say “what the fuck are you thinking” and if he persists you take steps to report him for negligence.
Would he hand them over to a mentally unstable stranger off the street? (hopefully not)
I don’t see how this is any different.
Seriously, tell him to do his own dirty work. If he wants to sort things out with her he can do it himself.
Why do you sound like you’re scared of him (and everyone)?

It's not about her, you or your OH but the children. They are old enough to decide freely.

Just say that she has said that she'd like to take them out one day and would it be something they'd like. Say it in a way that they don't pick up on your feelings so they just say what you want to hear.

If they say they would like to, your OH can have a word with her and make it very clear that if she says anything negative about him, you, anything that relates to you or the situation, there won't be another time. You can trust that if it does happen, at least one of your children will let you know.

I’m not scared of him at all, but we don’t usually swear at each other 🤷🏻‍♀️

You really need to question why she wants to spend time (alone) with both children. Nobody offers free childcare out of the goodness of their hearts. Juggling two children is hardly easy and even the closest aunts and uncles don't tend to offer to take two alone all the time.

It also makes very little sense why she wants a relationship with your kids when she refuses to mend things with you and DH. She sounds like a generally unpleasant person so it's weird why she would suddenly want an unconditional love with her nieces/nephews.

Gut feeling is saying that she needs your kids as part of a performative act for someone else in her life. Maybe a potential partner or some other person she needs to impress. Being childless and estranged with your entire family is not a good "look" so I'm willing to bet she wants your kids as props to make herself appear more human or loving.

Or her friends have reached the age where they all have children and she's annoyed about being left out so she wants to cosplay as a parent once a month.

That's the best case scenario. Worst case scenario is that she has someone else in the pipeline who is pestering her for access to children and she's trying to gain trust to nieces and nephews whose parents she hates and clearly doesn't really care much for them either. If you have zero contact with her, you have no idea who she's bringing your children to.

Now way. I wouldnt have wanted to be in the company of someone I barely knew (without my parents present) and I wouldn't inflict it on my children either.
Tell DH he needs to speak to her first, and find out what her motives are for suddenly wanting to see your children
Alone

Why focus on the swearing?? You know exactly what the poster was trying to say.

OP I am really confused because in your original post you said your mother in law had died:
A couple of years ago my DH had a huge falling out with his sister. It was around the time of their mother’s death,

But now you are saying the request to see the children has come from your mother in law

The ask to come and collect the children and take them out has come via my MIL.

So is your MIL alive or dead?

It was an attempt at humour in a difficult situation and I absolutely get the point!

Sorry I mean SIL - my DH second sister who he still has a good relationship with

I just don't understand posts like this. Just say no, no to aunt, no to DH, no to MIL.

"Thanks for letting me know MIL. If the kids ask to see her we will get in touch"

This definitely isn't a step toward reconciliation if she hasn't approached you or your DH and is still not speaking to you both. Why would your DH want someone who has been really hurtful and who refuses to have any contact with him, to have time alone with his children? That is just rewarding her dreadful behaviour. You have no guarantee that she won't use this as an opportunity to try and turn your kids against you.

It's a power-play on her part, not an opportunity to reconcile and build bridges.

I can’t believe you’re even second-guessing this!

It’s a flat no to her spending time with them alone.

she’s clearly still got issues with you and your H. You and your H are the ONLY protectors your children have. They’re not old enough to protect themselves.

the answer to MIL is “no, we’re not comfortable with our kids spending any time alone with people they don’t know.”

I can’t believe MIL hasn’t shot this down either.
it’s ridiculous.

Say no, mean no and close the discussion.

You say no. If your dh wants to rebuild his relationship with his sister he can do so and then and only then he can be with your dc if he wants them to see her. Your dc are bot an olive branch to be used. We were nc with inlaws for many years, my dh then slowly rebuilt his relationship with them and only then did they see dc.

Crazy to even consider it. Would sil be their too or would she have them on her own?

Sorry I haven’t read every post.

I’m widowed. The relationship with dh’s brother has imploded anfter dh’s death and I can’t see us reconciling. I wish I had a relationship with my niece and nephew but understand that I can’t really do that separately. I did for some years send birthday cards to them but eventually it felt really fake and I stopped - that was my choice.

You could make it explicitly clear that it would be ok for her to send birthday and Christmas cards, and/or letters, if you genuinely feel that way? That means that they are in touch in a very distant and hopefully safe way. It also makes it clear that no other form of contact is on the table at the moment.

She has no automatic right to one on one time with your kids. Even if they were extremely close plenty of kids don't spend time with only their aunt or uncle without one of their parents present.

It seems to me it can only be manipulation as why does she feel she 'needs' or 'is entitled' to have part time custody of them almost like an estranged parent would?

Not a chance in hell. They're way too young. You would have to be a very irresponsible parent to allow it.

It would be a hard no from me. If she wants to see your children, she needs to start building bridges with her brother and you.

This is perfect! 😆

It’s a no from me. You don’t get a relationship with my minor children if you dont have one with me

Well I would just completely put my foot down about her taking the children out on her own. I get that it’s difficult because he is also their parent so really there’s no reason why you should get to overrule him (or he should get to overrule you). But I think it would be irresponsible parenting to let them go. Even if she was perfectly lovely, would the children even happily go with a woman I assume they barely remember??

If he then reconciled with her, I’d see how that went, what that looked like, if she apologised to me etc. I wouldn’t rule out a relationship with her, but it would be very dependent on what happens from now on.

You've twice asked for advice on how to protect yourself from her. Of course you don't hand your children over to her! If you need protecting from her then so do they.

Your SIL doesn't have a right to a relationship with your children. It sounds as if your children aren't close to their Aunt, saw her infrequently and haven't been bothered that they haven't seen her. How would they feel about going out with their Aunt on their own, a person they last saw aged 6 and 8?? My guess is that they wouldn't want to go, because they don't know her well enough and wouldn't have been used to seeing her without you and your husband.

I actually think your SIL is being rather selfish. It's all about what she wants, never mind, if the children want to go out for the day with her, without Mum and Dad or not!!

I agree with others, if she wants a relationship with your children, she starts by repairing her relationship with you and your husband. That needs to happen, before she gets to even see the children, let alone take them out for the day!