AIBU to be upset after my partner swore at me

[Blendedmum101]

Please help I’ve had a massive argument with my partner and I need advice on what to do next and if I’m being totally insane…

so this morning I’m in bed and my partner gets up goes to the toilet and our 2 year old starts to wake up, he comes back in gets changed and goes downstairs and she starts to cry.. I get up and say from the top of the stairs can you take her down she’s up, and he says oh I’m about to do the food shop, I said I don’t want to get up at 6:20am so he comes upstairs puts his middle finger up at me and says I’m taking the piss.

for context I’m not a huge morning person I usually get up 7/7:30 for work he tends to get up earlier but goes to bed a lot earlier, today I started work at 8am and he starts at 1:30 so my logic is A- food shop does not need to be done at 6:20 what is the rush with that we haven’t even done a list I would have gone to bed earlier if I’d known. B - he has told me multiple times he doesn’t mind I don’t get up at 6am etc it’s not hugely often the baby is up she takes after me. C - he doesn’t start till 1:30 every day this week so has plenty of time to himself and can sleep etc whereas I cannot do that as ill be doing the evening myself etc whilst he is at work.

after he’s sworn at me I’ve then got up and have said I don’t think he should swear at me his response is I’m too precious??? He’s then done the food shop and gone back to bed, by which point I’ve said excuse me why are you asleep when you’ve just made me get up how is that fair?

By then all hell breaks loose and i find im not in control anymore and telling him to leave and we shouldn’t be together. I also threw his clothes and things on the floor - I think I have anger problems that I need to address and I feel stupid for doing that. I have said to him im sorry about that and tried to say about the swearing but he has said he isn’t sorry and doesn’t think it’s bad. Sometimes the swearing at me doesn’t bother me but today it really has it makes me question if im with a bad person or emotional abuser which i think is why i dont like it it makes me start to spiral and worry. But he’s saying im completely over reacting, even if i am over reacting though can i not be upset about it. I feel really confused and im hoping for clarity.

You both behaved badly. This is a dreadful toxic situation for your child to be around. He shouldn’t swear and you shouldn’t be throwing stuff. Time to split up until you’re mature enough to act like actual adults. Poor kid.

Thank you.. I agree it was bad I just want to add she did not witness me throwing the clothes she was at her child minders by this point, she was also downstairs for the swearing part. But I agree she will still pick up on these things and it should never be infront of her

Did he actually swear at you or just stick his finger up?

He put his middle finger up and me and said you’re taking the piss

Okay fair but from my point of view he’s told me I have to get up and said I should because I’m the mum might I add, but then he can nap when he wants

So he didnt actually swear at you then. He got up and did the food shop and you moaned at him. Sound like you both need to grow up. Not a nice environment for a child.

Yeah that is really poor on both sides. He started being a dick and you escalated to being a dick. Is he owning his part or putting it all onto you and your behaviour? He sounds a tad domineering and gaslighting and you sound like you struggle to deal with those types of behaviour like an adult needs to learn.

He shouldn't have stuck his finger up at you but your reaction is more of an issue. This is a horrible way for the two year old to grow up in. Sounds like you did not even know that you were in a full rage.

Yes, I did as I felt it was really unfair that he’s then gone back to bed so I’ve now been up since 6:20 after going to bed much later and won’t get to catch up on that. Over a food shop that could have waited… my middle child did have some anger issues but I have worked really hard on this with him and he’s made some really positive changes. I was in an abusive relationship as a teen so do have anger in me which again I try really hard with today it certainly got the better of me and I’ve apologised profusely for that.

That's not swearing unless you are a six year old.

Your reaction was totally over the top.

That is only one part of what happened, there are no saints here and then there is all of the background day to day context and atmosphere we will never fully know.

From my understanding the facts are:
Child wakes.
Husband wakes but doesn’t want to deal with child alone so wakes up wife.
She refuses to get up.
He strops at the refusal and behaves like a dick.
She escalates out of all proportion.

There are two of them in this shitty dynamic.

It will create an atmosphere which the child will pick up on.

he got back from the shop around 8 sat downstairs for a bit and went back upstairs at around 9:30 for a nap

Yeah a lot of the time I’d say it doesn’t bother me, I was pretty tired and sometimes I feel like swearing comes across aggressive I think he said you’re taking the fucking piss actually. It just felt aggressive and unnecessary

By then all hell breaks loose and i find im not in control anymore and telling him to leave and we shouldn’t be together. I also threw his clothes and things on the floor

What on earth? I don’t understand how this escalated to this level. Do you often have trouble controlling yourself?

He shouldn’t have given you the finger. However, if you consider being sworn at to be unacceptable, what do you think of someone’s partner chucking their stuff on the floor and asking them to leave?

This is six and two threes, I think you're both in the frame here.

You say you've worked really heard with your DS on his anger issues, have you done the same with your own and sought professional ongoing support? Your DH also has his part to play clearly, but you can only control your own behaviour.

It just felt aggressive and unnecessary

And your behaviour was what?

I agree he doesnt need to do the food shop at that time but you massively overreacted to the situation, that plus not getting up until 30 mins before you start work (if i understood correctly) - as an adult - makes me think you are likely a bit lazy generally so he may have a point. Also assume he took DD to the childminder?

Admittedly I get annoyed at DP when he moans about getting up at what i personally think is a reasonable hour for a grown man.

agressive and unnecessary.

OP, this isn’t going your way and you now keep drip feeding us to make him sound worse.

Honestly, for the sake of however many children you have (is he the dad to all of them), you need to split up or else you both need individual therapy to sort your anger and contempt issues.

He planned to get up early and do the food shop. You planned to get up when your dd woke up.

She woke up earlier than you anticipated so you wanted him to look after her so you could lie in. You changed the plans, not him.

You both need to behave with more respect to each other. OP.

It's also time you taught DC2 about clocks and time. Advise her to quietly stay in her bed/ your bed, after going to the toilet, until the clock says 7. Teach her how to quietly read, play with quiet toys etc because people are still asleep.