AIBU to be upset after my partner swore at me

[Blendedmum101]

Please help I’ve had a massive argument with my partner and I need advice on what to do next and if I’m being totally insane…

so this morning I’m in bed and my partner gets up goes to the toilet and our 2 year old starts to wake up, he comes back in gets changed and goes downstairs and she starts to cry.. I get up and say from the top of the stairs can you take her down she’s up, and he says oh I’m about to do the food shop, I said I don’t want to get up at 6:20am so he comes upstairs puts his middle finger up at me and says I’m taking the piss.

for context I’m not a huge morning person I usually get up 7/7:30 for work he tends to get up earlier but goes to bed a lot earlier, today I started work at 8am and he starts at 1:30 so my logic is A- food shop does not need to be done at 6:20 what is the rush with that we haven’t even done a list I would have gone to bed earlier if I’d known. B - he has told me multiple times he doesn’t mind I don’t get up at 6am etc it’s not hugely often the baby is up she takes after me. C - he doesn’t start till 1:30 every day this week so has plenty of time to himself and can sleep etc whereas I cannot do that as ill be doing the evening myself etc whilst he is at work.

after he’s sworn at me I’ve then got up and have said I don’t think he should swear at me his response is I’m too precious??? He’s then done the food shop and gone back to bed, by which point I’ve said excuse me why are you asleep when you’ve just made me get up how is that fair?

By then all hell breaks loose and i find im not in control anymore and telling him to leave and we shouldn’t be together. I also threw his clothes and things on the floor - I think I have anger problems that I need to address and I feel stupid for doing that. I have said to him im sorry about that and tried to say about the swearing but he has said he isn’t sorry and doesn’t think it’s bad. Sometimes the swearing at me doesn’t bother me but today it really has it makes me question if im with a bad person or emotional abuser which i think is why i dont like it it makes me start to spiral and worry. But he’s saying im completely over reacting, even if i am over reacting though can i not be upset about it. I feel really confused and im hoping for clarity.

Yes you are deluding yourself if you think your children aren't aware. You and he are causing them emotional harm.

Ugh I hate this side of MN. All the competitive cool wives - "Oh how pathetic to be upset about your partner giving you the middle finger! It wouldn't bother me! I just get up at 5am and do everything myself! My husband doesn't even know we've got kids, because I'm that efficient!"

OP, I think you are completely reasonable to be upset at your partner's treatment of you. I agree with you that your response only made things worse, though. Is this happening a lot? You said he swears at you a lot, and in front of the kids, which certainly is a red flag for emotional abuse. I think you should definitely talk to your therapist and maybe a trusted friend or relative to see if you can get a better understanding of what the dynamic is between you and your partner. In the meantime, you could try talking to him at a calm moment and agree that these kinds of arguments shouldn't be happening in front of the kids and that you both need to work on your communication. His response to that will also be useful information, I should think.

And ignore people on here telling you to get up earlier and tolerate more bullshit from your partner. They are idiots.

I did think the responses would be a bit more balanced.

I would say it happens a couple of times a year, however I would say his moods are like this most weeks it’s just I don’t always go too far. It takes him a good few hours to apologise and then when he does I forgive and forget, but it’s getting to the point where I don’t want to keep doing that. An Example would be when his son was here on the weekend he said to him if he didn’t smile for a picture he’d get no presents, I think that’s a bit abusive and a bit much. He kind of lashes out - but he’s not saying anything outright crazy abusive so it’s hard for me to get him to see where I’m coming from. Or if we’re in the car he’ll have road rage and the kids are in the car. And it’s like I understand a lot of men are bought up this way blah blah but I want him to get with the times. He will always agree with me eventually and then make amends but I feel uncomfortable with this side of him and I’m not sure whether to just cut my losses at this point.

Or if we’re in the car he’ll have road rage and the kids are in the car.

Why do you think it's acceptable to put your kids in the firing line like this? Why is he higher on your list of priorities than they are?

What do you mean?

I would assume this person means that his rages could put your kids at risk. Either as he’s driving erratically or he could puss someone off who could turn violent.
All of this sounds like an erratic and unhealthy relationship.

Well it's seems obvious from what you have said that he is horrible to his own child and to you. And he risks all of your lives driving with road rage. What do you gain from having him in your life? Or your children's lives?

Your children have one childhood. It's being trashed.

Stop behaving like a child, be the adult and parent your children deserves.
Speak civilly to each other.

What are you going to do when your child needs to be up and ready for school?

As a parent if I go to bed later than usual I just have to suck it up, my alarm goes off at 6AM each day in the week regardless of what time I start work.

maybe get a home delivery to save future arguments 🤣

When we are good...........

When we are good - how often are you good? How often are you not good? You even say the kids aren't going to notice but that's you lying to yourself

Your poor kids!

You come off at lot worse than him in the post. I'd tell someone they were taking the piss too if they thought it was never their responsibility to get up early with their child. I'd be more upset at my DH getting angry and telling me it's over than I would at getting the middle finger and being told I'm taking the piss, especially when I was actually taking the piss.

I’d say 80 % of the time, I’m not sure they will with him being on lates they’re not really going to see him this week so won’t know we’ve fallen out as such but they would pick up on my being down - I’m going to do my best not to show that I’m down

Is he always like this ? I only ask because it sounds like its reactive abuse from you. Not saying how you behaved is ok but if he does this kind of thing more often than not then then thats what happens, you finally snap and he'll then twist it kn you and you're the "crazy one"

He didn’t swear at you

I’ve done this two other times with my older two when we have to get ready for school I’ll have to go back to getting up earlier. I was enjoying the fact I have a partner that enjoys the morning and me enjoying the evening but it hasn’t worked out!!

we usually do haha and I wish I did but he offered to go as he was on lates I should have said no

🖕🏼

I see what you mean. He doesn’t drive erratically but will beep, swear or say get off the road.. still not okay I have called it out at the time but sometimes I think he thinks he knows better and that’s just normal.. it takes him a while to see my point of view. I think if I have a proper convo about it and said you’re risking the kids lives he would take that on board and do better with that.

Both as bad as each other - its the kids i feel the most pity for in this scenario. Parents that think its ok to behave like this.

To me that's not really swearing at someone. It's saying they think you're taking the piss. Not great but not the end of the world. The finger is almost comical it's so childish.

But to me swearing AT someone is calling them a fucking cunt, twat, dickhead etc.

It’s not the end of the world it caught me off guard as I genuinely wasn’t trying to take the piss and it did upset me!

Yeah I want to do better - I do think all couples argue though it’s not reasonable to think children will never be exposed to this!

I can see why it might upset you. But you know you escalated it into something worse.

So he woke the baby up when he went for a piss, pretended not to hear her being up, pretended suddenly the food shop was more important, childishly stuck his finger up at you, and then went back to bed.

Nah I think I would be finding it hard to keep my cool too.

You were both unreasonable but don't let him twist it.