AIBU to be upset after my partner swore at me

[Blendedmum101]

Please help I’ve had a massive argument with my partner and I need advice on what to do next and if I’m being totally insane…

so this morning I’m in bed and my partner gets up goes to the toilet and our 2 year old starts to wake up, he comes back in gets changed and goes downstairs and she starts to cry.. I get up and say from the top of the stairs can you take her down she’s up, and he says oh I’m about to do the food shop, I said I don’t want to get up at 6:20am so he comes upstairs puts his middle finger up at me and says I’m taking the piss.

for context I’m not a huge morning person I usually get up 7/7:30 for work he tends to get up earlier but goes to bed a lot earlier, today I started work at 8am and he starts at 1:30 so my logic is A- food shop does not need to be done at 6:20 what is the rush with that we haven’t even done a list I would have gone to bed earlier if I’d known. B - he has told me multiple times he doesn’t mind I don’t get up at 6am etc it’s not hugely often the baby is up she takes after me. C - he doesn’t start till 1:30 every day this week so has plenty of time to himself and can sleep etc whereas I cannot do that as ill be doing the evening myself etc whilst he is at work.

after he’s sworn at me I’ve then got up and have said I don’t think he should swear at me his response is I’m too precious??? He’s then done the food shop and gone back to bed, by which point I’ve said excuse me why are you asleep when you’ve just made me get up how is that fair?

By then all hell breaks loose and i find im not in control anymore and telling him to leave and we shouldn’t be together. I also threw his clothes and things on the floor - I think I have anger problems that I need to address and I feel stupid for doing that. I have said to him im sorry about that and tried to say about the swearing but he has said he isn’t sorry and doesn’t think it’s bad. Sometimes the swearing at me doesn’t bother me but today it really has it makes me question if im with a bad person or emotional abuser which i think is why i dont like it it makes me start to spiral and worry. But he’s saying im completely over reacting, even if i am over reacting though can i not be upset about it. I feel really confused and im hoping for clarity.

Thank you for your advice

There's so much here that doesn't make sense.

Who goes shopping at 6am? Why does he go to bed earlier than you if he's working in the evening? Why is child at childminder if he's not working?

I guess it's not really relevant but in a way it is, because the setup sounds vague and confusing, like nobody knows who's supposed to be responsible for what and when, and so it causes arguments. Anger problems aside (and obviously you should be working on that), I think you need a proper schedule.

If I’m up at 7 I don’t leave until 8:30 to go to work, it’s a bit of a rush. Today I work from home so I’d usually get up more towards 7:30. I’m pretty on the go from the minute im up I work full time and take care of the house etc we’re a busy household. But I really do struggle to get up any earlier than 7 I always have done! I can and I do and if he’d have said previously it bothers him I like to work as a team etc it’s just really got under my skin this morning for whatever reason and judging by the comments I’ve over reacted hugely

This.

You sound painfully immature.
You’re not a morning person? Well, guess what, you have a child and you’re going to have to learn to get your arse up.

He at least took the initiative to go out and do the food shopping (which you also benefit from), while you wanted to laze around in bed. The fact you stood at the top of the stairs asking him to take her down says everything - you couldn’t even manage to walk down the stairs.

Okay I’ll try to provide more context -

not me and if he had of said to me he was going to last night I would have suggested something else lol.

he works 7-4 3 weeks out of 4 and then 1 week out of 4 he’s 1:30 - 10pm so I think he’s just in an earlier routine

we always drop baby off at child minders at 8 as the childminder said it would be easier for her to just have the same routine instead of having a random week each month where she’s at home half the day. I agreed this makes more sense

No he has outright said he’s not sorry and hasn’t done anything wrong. He doubles down and then I work myself up even more it’s a recipe for disaster.

YABVU you don't really get to use 'I don't want to get up at x time' when you're a parent of a young kid. He was busy, you were awake and got up anyway to shout at him? He also didn't swear at you so you're overly sensitive too

Ah, I missed the bit about his later schedule not being usual, sorry.

If the child is normally dropped off at childminder at 8 though, 6:20 seems like a perfectly normal time for her to wake up, so I'm surprised this issue arose at all tbh. If she got up at 7 she'd be whizzed out the door!

Awful behaviour from both of you. Your toddler doesn’t deserve parents like this.

Aside from anything else you either need to get to bed earlier so you can be less hectic and grumpy in the mornings, or go to the GP to get checked out.

It really is infuriating when your partner lazes around in bed until the last minute then everything is a rush, they are moody etc.

I wouldnt have been impressed at all if my DP shouted at me to sort our DC out at 6.20am if I did have the food shop to do and work later on and he was WFH at 8am. Do you even do anything in the mornings to get general daily life sorted? 🤣

i work from home when I start at 8 - so I get up at 7 on those days unless baby is up earlier which is rare. My other children are year 5 and 7 so I help them to a point like I make there breakfast and usually get my year 5 clothes out if he’s sluggish the childminder lives a 2 minute walk away.. we’re just a well oiled machine in the morning. I have been this way as long as I have lived I’ve learned what I can prep the night before etc it’s just efficient

I used to think I was an angry person once, when I was with my ex.

Turns out I'm not. I didn't see it until I'd got rid of him.

I think you have misread lol he didn’t have work till 1:30 not sure why he was up so early I had work at 8am from home.. I wanted to get up at 7. Again the food shop was not an urgent task that needed to be done at 6am and were not rushed in the mornings

You said it doesn’t normally bother you - do you mean he often aggressively swears at you?

Usually he is at work so I just get up it’s one week a month he is on a later shift pattern and is around then in the mornings but not the evenings

He swears a lot which is something I have asked him not to do, especially around the children as I don’t agree with it. He does have an issue with getting frustrated and being quite rude I would say and sometimes I can manage it and other times a switch goes off I’d say.

Thank you - I have seen a therapist on and off and will be addressing my side of things for sure!

No i didnt misread.

Did you mis type when you said "Today I work from home so I’d usually get up more towards 7:30"?

In an earlier post you also said its all a bit of a rush. Now it"s you're not rushed in the mornings?

I can potentially see why hes frustrated generally and tbf its very rare i'll stick up for a man.

Are you the person who does the evening before prep or does he? That has to be considered too as it makes the morning routine much easier if bags are packed, sports kits are out and lunches made the evening before.

I’m not as convinced as others than a 6:20 plan to go to the shops in the middle of the morning routine was necessary - it absolutely would not fly here when our kids were those ages.

its Quite simple -

I am up at 7 on Monday because I start work from home at 8

7:30 every other day because I start at 9 and leave around 8:30/8:45

my daughter is rarely up before 7.

partner is out from 6:30 most mornings for work so I am up with her aside from 1 week per month where he works 1:30 - 10

I hope that clarifies your confusion

But how do you get up at 7:30 and get your daughter to the childminder at 8 when your partner is already out at work?? Plus sort out your other two kids?