AIBU to suspect my boyfriend may have a secret son?

[Cathy455]

Guys I could do with gal help I know I’m being crazy. It’s just me bein paranoid I know this. But there was this one time I asked my boyfriend had he ever slept with this girl that he used to know in his teenage years because I would often speak to her around my hometown. When I asked him this he got soo defensive and never answered me straight away etc, then eventually said no I’ve never been with her but I had to ask about 5 times. But basically he told me the other day him and his ex wife had a break for like a year about 20 years ago and that’s the age of this persons son. I also think the son and my boyfriend look weirdly alike as I have her on Facebook, Same dark features and same eyes and smile Am I crazy for thinking this. When I asked him about if he had been with her before he got very defensive but he told me they know each other from teenage years and his brother slept with her. I haven’t brought this up to him obviously as it would sound crazy 🤣

I thought you were a teenager or young adult when I began reading your post.

Your post sounds like drama. I wouldn’t go there.

What is important, but not your drama, is, if your partner or his brother is the father, do the y know, does the young man know? And that leads down a path that you personally should not go down.

wow. You don’t sound at all well. Do you suffer from paranoia?

Or in other words - he already answered your (imo unreasonable) question but then got annoyed when you didn't believe him and kept going on about it.

Honestly I thought you were a teenager from your post. Nothing we say is going to help - we don't know him or you. If you don't trust him to tell you the truth, break up with him. Don't make both your lives miserable with doubts and accusations.

Could be his and he may not know, could be his and he does know, could not be his and you’re batshit 😂

You sounded crazy as soon as you said you asked him if he slept with someone he knew, got crazier when you kept asking, even crazier when lining up a break with his wife with the age of someone's son.

Stop asking if he slept with her and ask him directly if he has any children or suspects he might have a child. He might not have been told he is the Father and might only suspect he is. His response might tell you what you need to know.

If you are planning children together and you want to know if this is his first child. Make this clear to him that this is a dealbreaker, if you find out further down the line that he lied to you then the relationship is over no matter what. You want your child to be your first and his first because I think this is what you are concerned about.

The defensive behaviour might be that you touched a nerve, he might have wanted to go out with her but she went out with his brother. Or he might be embarrassed or ashamed of sleeping with her especially if deep down he knew he was planning on getting back with the woman who he then married. He might have been avoiding paying child maintenance too.

You have no right to any information about who he slept with before he met you and the same for him. If he wanted to tell you about them he would have, willingly.

Your options are:

1. believe him
2. break up because you think he’s lying about having a secret child
3. ask his brother and the woman herself

Obviously you can’t do number 3 because you will look mad so you’ll just have to decide whether you do or don’t believe him. None of us can tell you if he’s telling the truth or not but you do come across as being quite paranoid. It’s not the thought process I’d expect of someone old enough to date a man who has had a 20+ year long marriage

Although I know her and her child is also at my child’s school and she told me she knows him and also comments on our photos we put up together so I doubt he is because also he always talks about how disgustin it is when men get women pregnant and don’t see the child so I can’t imagine him doing this

😂 How is her 20 year old child in school with your child of you are 33....

No no she has a 7 year old and I do to.

You said it was 20 years ago he had a break from his wife though.... so either a 13 year pregnancy or you are in fact reaching

Why do you not trust your partner? How long are you together?

So you think her 7-year-old is your boyfriends but he slept with her 20 years ago? It sounds like a classic case of delayed pregnancy to me; he's your boyfriend's son no doubt about it.

Double down and interrogate her too

Agreed none of this makes any sense!

No she has an older son whose 20 .. and my boyfriend and his ex wife broke up for a year 20 years ago.

I genuinely feel sorry for the boyfriend. Your vocabulary is like a child and your paranoia is a worry.

Haha literally thought the same!

OP stop being a loon 🤣🤣

Did he have any children with his wife?

how long have you been with him?

I suppose you could get your 7yo to befriend her 7yo and invite them over for a play date. Then subtly bring up the subject of older siblings and their parentage in the hope the kid says either

“my older bro has a dad that abandoned him but we know his name is [name of your BF]”

or

”yeah, my bro has the same dad as me. Dad and ma have been happily together for 21 years, without a single night apart from each other”.

but only an uber-crazy would carry out that idiotic plot.

I'm sorry people are being so absolutely horrible OP, when they can't even comprehend the basic details of your post. I don't think you're crazy and it's obviously not about who your boyfriend has slept with. All the mental health terms and slurs being banded about on your thread are awful.

You have a strong hunch based on the fact that your bf has been a bit shady about this, and on the timing issue and the fact that the son and your bf have a similar look. Have you tried to put it aside and consider that your feeling may be wrong? What would it mean for you if you were right? How well do you know the woman?

You've asked your boyfriend if he slept with this particular woman, 5 times, each time he's said no and has become defensive. It's not any wonder he's defensive, because you clearly don't believe the answer he's giving you!

If he's telling the truth and his brother slept with this woman, and not him, then it's entirely possible it's his brother who is the Dad to this woman's son. Of course there would be a resemblance to your boyfriend, because he shares family genetics with his brother.

You can see a resemblance between the woman's son and your partner but in actual fact, there might not be any. It could be that's what you see, but no one else does.

Has it occurred to you that even if your boyfriend had slept with this woman 20 years ago, that he might not be aware this young man is even his?? Or if your boyfriend's brother slept with her, he might not be aware he's the Dad?? Neither man, may not be hiding anything!

You need to let the subject go completely. Your boyfriend has given you an answer (more than once!). You need to accept the answer and move forwards or decide you don't believe him and end the relationship.

If she has a hunch... and is determined to repeatedly asking him the same question over and over despite getting the same ansqer everytime then she should leave him. She clearly doesnt trust him.

Her boyfriend has not been shady! He's been asked several times if he slept with this woman and said no every time. If my partner kept questioning me like that, I'd be getting defensive (and very pissed off) too.

I have been through a similar situation where I had seen a photo of a girl who looked just like my ex. She looked like his other 2 children too (who I knew about) I asked, he denied it. Eventually admitted he had been in a brief relationship with her mum when she was first born. He told me her dad was a friend of his who has been killed. His family denied it too but I couldn’t shake this feeling. Turned out she was his daughter and they all saw her regularly behind my back. He had asked his family to not tell me the actual truth so they all told me they classed her as his daughter but she wasn’t biologically his. I had accepted 2 children so why wouldn’t I have accepted a third? Just trust your gut OP because I was dismissed by so many as a ‘nutter’ when I was in fact right and had been lied to for years

I know. People call me crazy but there’s been so many times I have infact been right 🤣

Trust your gut