AIBU to feel hurt when a friend ignores all group plans?

[ForDucksSake]

I'm hoping I don't get my arse handed to me here but will absolutely accept if I'm in the wrong.

I have a long-standing friend (around 12 years now) who I'm very fond of. There are 5 of us who regularly do things together: concerts, theatre, meals out, nights around each others houses etc., so although we all have other friends and interests, I would say that we are close friends.

She never arranges or suggests anything to do and never has us round to her own house, which is fine, none of the rest of us really mind this as we know the idea of it stresses her out (although our 'in' nights are basically drinking wine and eating crisps, not fancy). I do need to point out that she suffers from anxiety. I'm not unsympathetic to this.

The issue is when we arrange anything, it's through our group chat as it's by far the easiest way to 'speak' to each other to talk about dates that we are all free etc. She never (or very rarely) responds to these. She reads them and doesn't respond. She'll message individually about how your day has been but completely ignore the other messages. We've tried all the usual things like tagging her etc but she still ignores. The problem is that if one of us is buying tickets, we don't know how many to buy. If we are arranging lifts, we don't know if we're picking her up or whose car to take etc. She waits until the very last minute then messages one of us privately, which means that person has to message everyone else to let them know what's happening because she just won't message the group chat. Last year one of us was buying tickets for us all to go to a gig and she read and didn't respond, so our other friend went ahead and booked them. Cut to the week before and she messages (in the group chat for once) and asks about arrangements. Not only did we all think that she just didn't want to come, she hadn't paid for a ticket either. She was really upset saying that we had gone ahead without her and had left her out etc etc. So she doesn't want to respond, but still wants to be included.

Now it's happened again and she has ignored my invitation to a get together. I am just sick of wondering if I've done something wrong, or said something to offend her etc. Invariably it's not that, it's just that she says she feels 'overwhelmed' by responding in the group chat. I think we're all so sick of it now. Back to my AIBU. Surely she should actually consider how her ignoring and constantly having us second guess every situation is really pretty shit on the rest of us? I'm actually starting to feel quite upset at just being ignored and I don't think this would even cross her mind.

YABU for pandering to this.

Text that says ‘so it’s Audrey, Daphne and Violet for the concert on 18th’.

Maude later asks to join: ‘you didn’t accept the invitation and pay - hope you can join us next time’.

Maude complains she ‘missed the text’: ‘that’s a shame….oh dear’.

Im the group chat ignorer, just message her separately… always works with me

It doesn't always work for her. The whole point of a group chat is so that someone doesn't have to keep repeating the same things and the plans are all in the one place to keep track of.

I suspect she secretly loves being the outlier who everyone has to message separately and chase, it makes her feel worthy and important within the friendship group. The fact she's had issues previously with friends is a red flag.

Personally I don't like using WA, can't stand the constant notifications and the streams of chatter, but I will because I know friends prefer it as a platform for arranging things. I just mute until I'm ready check my messages all at once.

I think you need to get tough with her. Say you clearly don't have a problem with using WA but your refusal – because that's what it is, a stubborn refusal to compromise – to confirm arrangements in the group chat is causing us necessary angst and frustration, so going forward, if you haven't replied 'yes' by the time it comes to book tickets or confirm dates, we will assume you don't want to come. Put it in the group chat, then each of you message it to her individually so there's no room for misunderstanding!

If she kicks off, say this isn't the first time we've raised it, but as you seem unwilling to meet us even halfway, this is how we want to sort things out going forward. Take it or leave it.

Why should everyone compromise for you and send separate messages? How hard it is to type yes or no on a group chat?

So don’t do anything special for her. The group chat is fine.

She doesn’t accept invitations and pay if/when necessary, she misses out.

She’s sad or annoyed about it - her problem.

She moans to you or others - again, her problem.

I don't belong she is overwhelmed. I think she can't be bothered. She's muting you. Then expecting to be so important she gets individually invited or automatically included.

If I’m being nice about it with anxiety she may not be able to make a decision at the time because she doesn’t know how she feels. But as it’s been pointed out and it is all group chat then that is how it’s arranged and if anyone messes up and misses out on for instance ticket buying than it’s just too late. If you keep facilitating by organising at the last minute like the friend picking her up there is no consequence for the behaviour you want to stop.

I worked with a person who on a group night out would dilly dally and then others would say oh please come or are you sure and I used to think it was very attention seeking, weird, so personally would always just say ok. No trying to persuade or anything like that.

Ultimately friendships can have highs and lows just like a romantic relationship but this just sounds irritating. Your further updates show it’s her and not the group. She is the issue and not the group. I can see what she has ploughed through lots of friendship groups.

A few people have said that someone should just message her separately. I have done this for someone (who said she hated school WhatsApp groups) but it drove me crackers in the end - I hadn’t signed up to be someone’s unpaid PA.

My daughter is a bit like this but she is autistic. She explained that she does it so she can make a last minute decision depending on her mental state as otherwise she can get overwhelmed. It’s annoying but there is a reason. Is your friend quirky? Very intelligent? Maybe she is autistic and never known.

I just wouldn’t bother - regardless of how much I liked you

That's some entitlement you're showing there. You want the social benefits of the group dynamic, while not making the required effort, and expecting someone else to give you special treatment.

I think you need to move to a model of clarifying exactly who going on chat and no side messaging re events and if she misses she misses.
So does anyone fancy x concert in 10th? 4 reply she doesn’t. Message I’m booking tickets tonight let me know by 6pm if anyone else wants to come. I’ve booked tickets for ABCD looking forward to it.
If she then side messages or says oh I now want to come say nevermind you can come next time. Rinse and repeat.

That’s a good idea. We do that with guide trips as only the parents of kids signed up need the info and it saves the can x be added we missed sign up etc.

It does sound like she's either got main character energy or some kind of neurodiversity. I know I get overwhelmed sometimes by group messages and arrangements, but in those cases I accept I will miss out.

Everyone can be busy and stressed and overstretched. It's not realistic to commit to take on responsibility for someone else's thinking for them all of the time.

@ForDucksSake it sounds like you have gone the extra mile for a long time, YANBU to be done with it all.

I worked with a person who on a group night out would dilly dally and then others would say oh please come or are you sure and I used to think it was very attention seeking, weird, so personally would always just say ok. No trying to persuade or anything like that.

This really stands out to me @ViciousCurrentBun . The last time we did something she did the usual and didn't respond. For once, the rest of us didn't tag, send separate messages to try it persuade her or offer her a lift. We arranged it as if she wasn't coming as she hadn't responded and she read all the message and again didn't respond. The following day she sent loads of messages, both on the group chat and individually and asking how it went and if there was any gossip etc. We all just responded 'lovely night" and left it at that. She kept messaging saying she was sorry she had missed it and couldn't wait for the next one.

I like the phrase “main character energy” - my daughter uses it sometimes.

I have very little patience with this sort of thing, partly because too many people do it. It can get to the point where I feel like an extra from Twilight - dancing around to see if the angst-ridden one will reply or not.

This sounds very positive. So that is what will happen every time. There’s no need to dance around this person.

@Greyblankie would be Greyrockie if in my group.

Agree, this the only way to deal with it. Funnily enough she was able to message the group fine to ask for updates and 'gossip'. As if op's group are there just to provide entertainment.

We had someone similar, and I never chase after them anymore. I know they get overwhelmed easily and I don't want to add to that. I arrange group meetups, and send them a message saying how nice it would be to see them if they can make it and leave it at that.

Honestly, the more I hear about this person, the more I think she is an enormous nuisance. She can’t / won’t reply to group messages to commit to plans but, the day after, is happy to send loads of messages. She wants people to feel guilty that she wasn’t there.

She wants people to feel guilty that she wasn’t there.

And probably to tell her how much everyone missed her at the meetup

The thing is, a friend is someone you enjoy seeing and afterwards you feel better about yourself, the world and your place in the world. A friend who doesn’t reply to messages doesn’t make you feel good - you feel anxious and frustrated.

I don’t keep up with the group chat because a lot of it is irrelevant to me (stuff I’m not involved with)

Honestly I wouldn’t even notice