AIBU to feel hurt when a friend ignores all group plans?

[ForDucksSake]

I'm hoping I don't get my arse handed to me here but will absolutely accept if I'm in the wrong.

I have a long-standing friend (around 12 years now) who I'm very fond of. There are 5 of us who regularly do things together: concerts, theatre, meals out, nights around each others houses etc., so although we all have other friends and interests, I would say that we are close friends.

She never arranges or suggests anything to do and never has us round to her own house, which is fine, none of the rest of us really mind this as we know the idea of it stresses her out (although our 'in' nights are basically drinking wine and eating crisps, not fancy). I do need to point out that she suffers from anxiety. I'm not unsympathetic to this.

The issue is when we arrange anything, it's through our group chat as it's by far the easiest way to 'speak' to each other to talk about dates that we are all free etc. She never (or very rarely) responds to these. She reads them and doesn't respond. She'll message individually about how your day has been but completely ignore the other messages. We've tried all the usual things like tagging her etc but she still ignores. The problem is that if one of us is buying tickets, we don't know how many to buy. If we are arranging lifts, we don't know if we're picking her up or whose car to take etc. She waits until the very last minute then messages one of us privately, which means that person has to message everyone else to let them know what's happening because she just won't message the group chat. Last year one of us was buying tickets for us all to go to a gig and she read and didn't respond, so our other friend went ahead and booked them. Cut to the week before and she messages (in the group chat for once) and asks about arrangements. Not only did we all think that she just didn't want to come, she hadn't paid for a ticket either. She was really upset saying that we had gone ahead without her and had left her out etc etc. So she doesn't want to respond, but still wants to be included.

Now it's happened again and she has ignored my invitation to a get together. I am just sick of wondering if I've done something wrong, or said something to offend her etc. Invariably it's not that, it's just that she says she feels 'overwhelmed' by responding in the group chat. I think we're all so sick of it now. Back to my AIBU. Surely she should actually consider how her ignoring and constantly having us second guess every situation is really pretty shit on the rest of us? I'm actually starting to feel quite upset at just being ignored and I don't think this would even cross her mind.

Would you then be arsey to people for going on about their business when you hadnt replied to them? I highly doubt it.

I do try to understand and I ask this as I really want to know. Do you ever wonder how when you ignore messages from close friends how it makes them feel? I start to wonder if I've said the wrong thing too? It can cause such a lot of upset to others too.

Bluntly, so what, though? It's something that's ultimately her responsibility to manage. You sound as if you're being sensitive to the fact that she may feel overwhelmed by the group chat and that she doesn''t want to host, but the fact remains that there is no way of including her in events if she doesn't reply by the deadline to get tickets. if she's upset by that, she needs to acknowledge that it is as a result of her behaviour, and no one else's. You're not psychic.

I agree with Pinkissmart. Or maybe she just doesn’t like to communicate via messages the same way. I think you need to decide if you actually like her and want to remain friends and accept her as she is or it’s not the kind of friendship you want. I think some of the replies are very harsh and judgemental towards her.

I do know that you're absolutely right. I'm not sure it can really continue like this.

Just to add, none of us expect an immediate response, sometimes you have to check what's going on etc., but the rest of us will at least acknowledge the invitation and get back to the host/organiser within a couple of days (sooner if it's tickets).

OP I'd continue on and I wouldn't be drawn in to any argument about it. If she eventually replies and wants to come or is annoyed that she can't, ignore and reply with a breezy "ah thats a shame, well maybe next time".

I had a friend like this, I eventually stopped sending extra texts and tagged messages etc. Reply by the date or don't come. If she didn't reply, I didn't mention it again. It's actually not easy to always be the organiser, let alone feeling like you are begging or forcing people to come along.

She can’t have it both ways. Either don’t respond and don’t go, or respond - either individually or in the group - and be included in plans.

Oh God YANBU - I hate this kind of thing.

Just bloody reply and if you don't, you can't expect everyone to have waited for you.

As for her being "too anxious" to reply..... Sorry but you're her friends?! If she can't even say "yes can I come please" to people she apparently likes and like her, then she really needs to get some professional help with her anxiety because that is another level - how does she keep a job etc??

She will never pick up a call and will happily message when she wants to know something or borrow something etc. I just think friendships should be a two way thing and you shouldn't knowing make it difficult for other people. We all try to make things as easy for her as possible, messaging is often the only way to contact her.

She seems to be lacking even a basic appreciation of the practicalities of organising get-togethers as a group, which is weird in a grown woman.

Can you have a very firm talk with her, where you impress upon her that you are not mind-readers, and she is being completely unreasonable in expecting you to factor her in when she doesn't even let you know she wants to be factored in. Perhaps set some rules - e. g. if a suggestion is made in the group chat, you answer in the group chat, if you want in on a get-together, you let us know in a timelybfashion orwe assume you don't want in, if younneed a lift/ticket, HAVE THE COURTESY TO ASK.

The didn't-buy-a-ticket-for-her thing is something you can use to really hammer home the problem with her approach - " Jen, did you really think one of us would pony up £25 to buy a ticket for you when you didn't even tell us you wanted to come?". If she can't grasp this, she has a theory-of-mind problem.

She's on a power trip ,she has you all dancing to her tune ,making her the centre of attention.. anxiety my arse

Do you think she's lying when she says this?

She’s an adult . The group is there for everyone to chip in so leave her to it . I am also in a friends chat group for 9 of us and people dip in and out but if an event is suggested if you don’t confirm attendance you don’t go . No messing around wondering who to buy tickets for or booking a table .

Don't even bother confronting her ..she will just cry ,and one of you will end up being the bad guy .
Just play her at her own game ,and don't respond to her individual messages.
If she can't respond on the group chat ,she doesn't get to be involved.
If she asks why you didn't respond to her individual message,you just say you didn't see it ..
Stop chasing her and pussyfooting around her ,you are all busy women,who don't have time for her shit

Yes I do. If it was once or twice then I would totally believe that because we can all miss messages. But not every other time.

Yeah, not too anxious to go to a concert/restaurant/etc though, is she?

Dear god, she has you all well trained!

She is a self-centred manipulator with very high expectations of the level of service she expects you all to provide. With anxiety as a shield so you don't push back or deliver consequences.

You know she's being unreasonable. Start pushiing back.

P. S. People with anxiety typically don't start rows when they're feeling excluded, but narcissists do. And your friend does sound exceedingly self-centred.

I presume if you don’t reply to your friends on group chats and don’t bother to respond individually either, then you’re accepting that you will miss out on things that get organised.

There is nothing you can do in situations like these - it sounds like it’s more than just anxiety - there is some social impairment as well (inability to consider impact on others).

What people like your friend need is for the entire world to be different, for everything to work at their speed, for information only to arrive with them at the precise moment when they can take it in, for decisions to be straightforward, for their own feelings never to be mixed or ambivalent, for nothing ever to cost more than they want to pay, for their friends never to engage in leisure activities that they themselves wouldn’t enjoy so that they never have to feel ‘left out’ on account of their own preferences, etc etc etc.

They lash out and blame other people for not being able to modify everything that is difficult for them about the world.

It becomes too exhausting for most people, and makes genuinely reciprocal, mutual relationships impossible.

This. She sounds like the covert/vulnerable narcissist type. Just stick to your boundaries OP- if she doesnt reply and gets upset at not being included then just keep gently reminding her it's entirely a function of her own choices

I'm coming around to the idea that she is NPD-ish, with your friendship group as her support animals. The fact that things always have to be done her way, her refusal to compromise, the outrage when there are consequences for her behaviour, expecting everybody to accommodate her at the last minute, the lying, her behaviour making you late, the super-sensitivity, the need to be afforded special treatment ( because anxiety).

Have some fun thisaff, OP, find some "is my friend a narcissist" questionnaires online and fill a few in.

That is a very insightful post, @VoltaireMittyDream . I've often wondered about the differences between the self-centredness of people on the autistic spectrum and that of narcissists, and your post sheds some light on that.

So she doesn't want to respond, but still wants to be included

This is ridiculous - she is taking no responsibility for herself.

After the incident with the gig tickets surely she got the message that her own poor communication was at fault, rather than everyone leaving her out? She sounds very immature and I don't really see how much more you can do for her?

Start to make plans in group chat, if everyone else barring one person can come to an agreement on place date times etc then give her one chance…
“anxious friend, we’ve decided we’re doing (insert whatever it is and when), so and so is buying tickets tomorrow. Please let us know if you’re coming by X time and we’ll get you a ticket if you confirm”.
If she doesn’t confirm then just buy the tickets without her, you will of said very clearly when tickets are being bought and if she doesn’t confirm you won’t get her a ticket. If she comes back a week later tell her we did ask you to confirm, you didn’t so we went ahead and booked, tell her times and date of when she can book her ticket for to join you all.

Why are you pandering to her? Treat her like an adult. She can be anxious and respectful, they are not incompatible.