AIBU to feel hurt when a friend ignores all group plans?

[ForDucksSake]

I'm hoping I don't get my arse handed to me here but will absolutely accept if I'm in the wrong.

I have a long-standing friend (around 12 years now) who I'm very fond of. There are 5 of us who regularly do things together: concerts, theatre, meals out, nights around each others houses etc., so although we all have other friends and interests, I would say that we are close friends.

She never arranges or suggests anything to do and never has us round to her own house, which is fine, none of the rest of us really mind this as we know the idea of it stresses her out (although our 'in' nights are basically drinking wine and eating crisps, not fancy). I do need to point out that she suffers from anxiety. I'm not unsympathetic to this.

The issue is when we arrange anything, it's through our group chat as it's by far the easiest way to 'speak' to each other to talk about dates that we are all free etc. She never (or very rarely) responds to these. She reads them and doesn't respond. She'll message individually about how your day has been but completely ignore the other messages. We've tried all the usual things like tagging her etc but she still ignores. The problem is that if one of us is buying tickets, we don't know how many to buy. If we are arranging lifts, we don't know if we're picking her up or whose car to take etc. She waits until the very last minute then messages one of us privately, which means that person has to message everyone else to let them know what's happening because she just won't message the group chat. Last year one of us was buying tickets for us all to go to a gig and she read and didn't respond, so our other friend went ahead and booked them. Cut to the week before and she messages (in the group chat for once) and asks about arrangements. Not only did we all think that she just didn't want to come, she hadn't paid for a ticket either. She was really upset saying that we had gone ahead without her and had left her out etc etc. So she doesn't want to respond, but still wants to be included.

Now it's happened again and she has ignored my invitation to a get together. I am just sick of wondering if I've done something wrong, or said something to offend her etc. Invariably it's not that, it's just that she says she feels 'overwhelmed' by responding in the group chat. I think we're all so sick of it now. Back to my AIBU. Surely she should actually consider how her ignoring and constantly having us second guess every situation is really pretty shit on the rest of us? I'm actually starting to feel quite upset at just being ignored and I don't think this would even cross her mind.

I would set up a separate group chat for each individual event once you’ve had confirmation of who is coming to that event. Then it stops the main chat becoming cluttered and overwhelming. It also means this friend can’t ask to come at the last minute as she won’t have any of the details

So she is manipulative and/or completely lacking in self awareness?

This is what we do.

We have a group chat with about 6 of us in it.

There is one thing I always organise and there are a couple of others who organise specific things.

For whatever we arrange, we put a poll in the group chat. We might put a reminder in 24 hours before the deadline (if someone hasn't replied). But that's it. Then the booking is made based on the poll response. Sometimes people will message to say they can't make it but wish everyone else fun.

When a booking is made or tickets are bought, we add a screenshot to show it has been done.

It's impossible to miss every message and means that those who don't want to scroll and read loads of messages can look for a poll or a booking screenshot.

If she is someone who sees herself being 'wronged' by every friend she has ever had, there is little you are going to do to change that. You just need to manage it in a way that works for the rest of you.

If she gets upset, complains or tells other people she's being left out, there isn't much you can do about it beyond saying, "We have put the poll in the group chat, we have put a deadline for notifying in the group chat, we have put the booking screenshot in the group chat. Your responsibility is to read them and respond. No one else can do that for you."

Or throw it back to her, "Well, this system works for everyone else so that is the one we use. If it doesn't work for you, what would? Can we accommodate it?"

And then decide if you can. But, I'll be honest, I wouldn't do anymore than forward the poll and booking screenshot to her individually. No message just that. It'll take 3 seconds to do and she can't come back and say she's being left out.

She will, of course, but you will all know that she's not. You can't control what she tells other people and nothing any of you are doing right now is working but is causing unnecessary stress and anxiety in the rest of you.

The issue for you all here isn't really that she misses messages and events. It's the extra stress and anxiety she causes the rest of you and the sense of unfairness when she claims she's being left out when you know she's not.

There are many people who for a variety of reasons might not respond - overwhelm; busy; anxiety; not feeling able to commit in advance; whatever but most of those people would also kick themselves afterwards for the fact they didn't and missed out. Most of them will find their own solutions. Most of them wouldn't blame the others.

She says wants to be included but is actively putting barriers up to that happening so that starts to look like she is deliberately excluding herself.

Some people have created their whole identify around being a 'victim' because meets a need in them.

And it's really important to recognise that, if she is one of these people, there is nothing you or anyone will be able to do to resolve this issue because she will get more out of feeling that she has been left out than she will by participating.

She has anxiety and she’s your friend. Be kind. She probably doesn’t reply until the last minute (I have anxiety but never used to) as if you say yes to something for all the days, months, years leading up to it it’s there inside making you feel sick and then on the say you can’t do it. I didn’t used to have this so it is hard to explain or understand to anyone.

It’s perfectly easy to understand, and sympathise with, but it’s the OP’s friend’s issue to manage herself in relation to this specific thing.

If she doesn’t commit before the deadline, she won’t be attending the event.

But in this case what do the others do about buying advance tickets? If someone won’t reply until the last minute then they won’t have a ticket.

I've got a friend similar to this. Not anxiety but for whatever reason he reads yoru messages and doesn't respond, waits to the last minute to say anything and then when you tell him you needed to know sooner he'll say that he thought we'd already agreed what time or that wasn't what was said blah blah blah....

He's a good friend but lately i've been getting very fed up of it because he won't reach out himself. YANBU to be at the end of your rag... patience only lasts so long.

She’s attention seeking and wanting personal invitations.
So frustrating when someone is like this. Stop
pandering to her. She will have to learn to play the game as a team/group.
You say she’s anxious but not that anxious that she can be angry at you all and express her feelings…which incidentally were caused by her.
We all have anxieties, honestly.

Next time, I would include her in the group chat and if she doesn’t respond, go ahead with your plans without her. If she complains at the last minute or afterwards about being left out, don’t apologise, but have one last attempt at explaining she needs to let at least one person know if she’s coming. When she protests, say ok, you organise the next group event then, that way you’re in control of the plans. She almost definitely won’t do that, so your group can carry on in your usual way, knowing that you’ve tried everything and the responsibility for her opting out lies solely with her.
Oh, and in the meantime, no more last minute changes of plans to accommodate her.

God almighty she sounds like a pain in the arse and it is totally her needing to be the centre of attention and the one pulling the strings. Getting the rest of you to pander to her and acting the victim is exactly why she has fallen out with people before you can tell that a mile off. I honestly would just put something in the group chat and you can see who has read the message so if she has seen it and no response then assume she doesnt want to go and pull her up on it if she then comes back whinging that she didnt get an invite.

But not replying to a question about tickets you would rather put that stress and anxiety on another person?

But if tickets need to he bought in advance, she will have to accept that last minute decisions aren't going to work for everyone else.

If they wait for her, they might all lose out.

She can pull out at the last minute - we have a friend who does that and everyone understands. But if she doesn't engage, then she won't have a ticket.

As long as someone has accepted and paid, they are free too cancel if they can't do it. But what they can't do is expect everyone else to wait so that everyone misses out or blame other people for the situation.

Just stop dancing to her tune. You can be sympathetic without stressing and bending over backwards to accommodate her. Her anxiety is hers to manage. Let her tell you how you can help but otherwise just get on with things as normal ie in the first arranging message, say replies by such and such a date. Then crack on.

She doesn’t even need to reply. You can say “thumbs up this message if you’re in” and then she doesn’t even have the anxiety of deciding what to reply but you have confirmation that she’s coming.

Exactly! There's anxiety, and there's entitlement.

Expecting someone to pay for a ticket for you when you haven's confirmed you wamt one is not a product of anxiety, but entitlement. Kicking off about it - again, unbelievable entitlement. And it beggars belief that someone who would kick off at an entire friendship group would be too "anxious" to reply to a WhatsApp message from a friend.

Exactly. 'Being kind' in this case is being clear. If she doesn't confirm she's coming before a ticket-buying or reservation-making deadline, then she won't be coming, and will have to manage her anxiety/disappointment/anger about that. Just as she needs to manage her anxiety about replying on the group chat if in fact she does want to go.

It's not that complicated. Our emotions are always our own to manage.

Could she buy her ticket separately and then let someone know she’s coming? Might work. The ball is firmly in her court then.

Or you either decide you’ll wait for her decision and faff around with a last minute booking (which may not be available) for her or you don’t do it for her at all.

How many times has she organised something like this or would it be too much hard work?

Have you asked her upfront about those times and what's going on in those moments?

Appreciate it might be a difficult conversation, but it's a very fair question. At the moment you're having to guess. Asking outright could give her the chance to explain and also put your mind at rest.

The problem with this argument is that OP’s friend then gets upset/annoyed that she’s left out. You can be sympathetic about someone’s anxiety, but does that mean no one else can ever plan anything, just in case she might decide at the last minute that she wants to come?

But you’re quick enough to respond to this on Mumsnet!
As someone previously mentioned about it being manipulation, I would definitely agree.

I have a group of about 8 friends - we tend to briefly discuss ideas for things to do on our main group chat (or in person as we share a hobby and see each other often) then set up a separate smaller chats for those who confirm they'e up for a particular event e.g. "Crufts 2026", "Watching the Boat Race" etc. so that it's clear who's going and those who aren't keen or available are spared the logistics. Would this work better for your group?

Exactly this!

Sorry, busy day and thank you for the suggestions.

I really need to pick up on your 'be kind' comment @OneNewEagle . I'm not an unkind person and I feel that I and the others in the group have been so kind and patient over the years that our kindness is now being taken advantage of. I think that friendship goes both ways and it shouldn't just be for everyone to dance to one person's tune. I've really thought about a lot of the posts on here and it's definitely given me food for thought. My question for you would be do you think that kindness should only go one way in a friendship? I don't think it should.

@ForDucksSake you are absolutely right - kindness is a two way street. Otherwise it’s a totally lopsided “friendship”.

I did not agree with @OneNewEagle s post when she posted it and your comments are perfectly valid. Many people would have simply cut this woman off a long time ago. She has an issue (as we all do!) but instead of dealing with it, she is pushing it into you. And that’s not fair

One thing you could try is to put up a poll with a reply by date. That way, she doesn't have to worry about saying the wrong thing. She just has to tick a box. Don't put a 'no' choice. If nothing is ticked, no is assumed.
If it works better for you, a temporary or side group can be made from the yes people to sort details.. she can choose to be involved - or not. If she wants to come along later, she can sort out her own ticket etc