AIBU to feel hurt when a friend ignores all group plans?

[ForDucksSake]

I'm hoping I don't get my arse handed to me here but will absolutely accept if I'm in the wrong.

I have a long-standing friend (around 12 years now) who I'm very fond of. There are 5 of us who regularly do things together: concerts, theatre, meals out, nights around each others houses etc., so although we all have other friends and interests, I would say that we are close friends.

She never arranges or suggests anything to do and never has us round to her own house, which is fine, none of the rest of us really mind this as we know the idea of it stresses her out (although our 'in' nights are basically drinking wine and eating crisps, not fancy). I do need to point out that she suffers from anxiety. I'm not unsympathetic to this.

The issue is when we arrange anything, it's through our group chat as it's by far the easiest way to 'speak' to each other to talk about dates that we are all free etc. She never (or very rarely) responds to these. She reads them and doesn't respond. She'll message individually about how your day has been but completely ignore the other messages. We've tried all the usual things like tagging her etc but she still ignores. The problem is that if one of us is buying tickets, we don't know how many to buy. If we are arranging lifts, we don't know if we're picking her up or whose car to take etc. She waits until the very last minute then messages one of us privately, which means that person has to message everyone else to let them know what's happening because she just won't message the group chat. Last year one of us was buying tickets for us all to go to a gig and she read and didn't respond, so our other friend went ahead and booked them. Cut to the week before and she messages (in the group chat for once) and asks about arrangements. Not only did we all think that she just didn't want to come, she hadn't paid for a ticket either. She was really upset saying that we had gone ahead without her and had left her out etc etc. So she doesn't want to respond, but still wants to be included.

Now it's happened again and she has ignored my invitation to a get together. I am just sick of wondering if I've done something wrong, or said something to offend her etc. Invariably it's not that, it's just that she says she feels 'overwhelmed' by responding in the group chat. I think we're all so sick of it now. Back to my AIBU. Surely she should actually consider how her ignoring and constantly having us second guess every situation is really pretty shit on the rest of us? I'm actually starting to feel quite upset at just being ignored and I don't think this would even cross her mind.

Tag her and say let me know by x date as then booking

she will read this. Screenshot this once she has

if she plays the woe is me card /didn’t see it /etx

I would then post screenshot of her having read the message and say but you read it the day I asked

She sounds like hard work OP. YANBU 💐

Does she know that you can see when she has read the messages? Because surely you can check if she claims to have missed a message? I wonder if she doesn't realise that you can see if she's seen the message. I would carry on as you are - it's her problem if she misses out on things and that includes lifts, tickets, a say in what happens. If she gets upset at missing just be sympathetic and say 'ah that's a shame' and don't engage any further. And if she messages privately just say 'oh can you let everyone else know too'.

Yes I think she knows, she just says that she was about to message someone and didn't read it properly. She's been so critical of other people in the past who don't respond to wider invitations too.

@ForDucksSake if she would make out that she was a victim if you tried to address it sensitively and by suggesting that she comes up with a solution that takes both your needs into account then I’d say you need to just protect yourself and do what’s right for you.

And if that means she misses out then so be it.

It won't work forever but two people in my life (one is my bloody DH 😄) often ignore WhatsApp messages so I started texting them. Worked like a charm!

We now have an agreement, if I text, they know I need a response.

Maybe you could try that? Old fashioned texts seem to surprise people into responding somehow 🤷‍♀️

Doesn't a certain colour ticks on WhatsApp mean that everyone's read it?

The thing about people who are “sensitive” is they are only sensitive to themselves. They aren’t sensitive to other people.

If I were the OP I'd definitely be responding to the organiser on the group thread with a thanks for organising / much appreciated / we appreciate all your hard work. Hopefully the others would join in and pita friend would understand that the being helpful gets more kudos than bring hapless.

Why this is annoying though, is that we would all like this. It's stressful to organise events and be the one that always does this for the group. We all would love an event to just pop in to our personal chat, all planned and ready, tickets are bought, lifts are arranged, and all we need to do is decide on the day if we feel like it.

Could you (or the person actually booking the tickets etc) just message her indiviudually the day before and say I'm booking it, please message back by 4 if you want to go.
Yes, it is an extra message, but it's literally seconds, and if she genuinely has some issue with group things, this way it's not a group message, BUT only takes you seconds instead of having to worry she's suddenly going to change her mind?

I have a lovely friend who I adore who doesn’t commit to stuff and says maybe - we set deadlines for things ‘I am booking for Jo, Lisa, Ali and sarah at x on this day’ and then leave her to it. There’s often a drop out - if she’s genuinely your pal and manages a whole life of replying to friends/ family and arranging to work or socialise with others then there’s your answer. You are not her priority and that is fine and her decision. You don’t owe her a separate set of arrangements?

The people saying you're being harsh - but what exactly are you supposed to do? You've tried saying 'if you don't confirm by x date, we'll assume you're not coming'.. you've tried messaging her directly. And yet she still gets upset when she hasn't got a ticket. I understand anxiety means someone might not be able to commit until closer to the time, but the only way she wouldn't get upset in that situation is if someone bought her a ticket just in case she decided to join last minute, which is absolutely fucking ludicrous.

So to those people saying you don't understand anxiety etc, what practically are they expecting you to do, to manage this.

I can't see a solution since she clearly isn't willing to engage at all in sorting this. She is taking no responsibility for making sure she sees messages, or for replying to individuals, or for saying she will buy a last minute ticket if she can manage it on the day.

Honestly it sounds engrained in her view of the world, that she is the victim whenever anything goes wrong. I think I'd ask what she wants you to do next time to stop it happening again, if she keeps missing messages, does she want you to ring her? And when that goes tits up as well it would just be 'oh dear, shame you didn't make this one'. Yes anxiety is shit and allowances should be made (like understanding if someone cancels last minute) but you can't manage it all for her to the point of making arrangements for things she hasn't confirmed just incase she turns up.

But would you then get annoyed with the others in the group chat for not waiting around for you to make up your mind?

.

What’s harsh and judgemental about saying “Reply to the message or you won’t be included”?

That would really annoy me. Just say at the start of the suggestion, respond by X as that is when I’m buying the tickets. She’ll soon learn.

Do you all even like her? It sounds like you don’t so stop pandering!

Quit pandering to her, she is inconsiderate. Just assume no reply means no.
Even put in the invites, rsvp by Wed. 7 pm if you're coming.

I don't see how it's difficult to contact a friend individually to ask if she's coming. That's what we used to do before group chats. Either you value her company and continue to accommodate her quirk of not liking to reply on the group chat, or if you don't like her and find her behaviour unbearable, set up your own group chat without her and leave her out of your social arrangements, and tell her why.

I don't need lifts etc. I just can't cope with the wall of text.

All it means is that I miss out. I don't expect others to change. I'd like it, but it's not an expectation. In the same way I can't change I understand others don't have to either.

I appreciate the individual concerned in this case doesn't feel this way and IS being unreasonable.

Surely the wall of text will be the same if messaged privately, if not longer.
Instead of the general do you want to go to X it costs Y amount on this date, you might then add who else has said yes and whether you are going to drive etc.

To me it also doesn't sound like social anxiety from the fact she always attends and is fine in the group situation.

We all would love an event to just pop in to our personal chat, all planned and ready, tickets are bought, lifts are arranged, and all we need to do is decide on the day if we feel like it.

Exactly….. But the world doesn’t work like that - and any reasonable person knows this!

The ticket episode is a good way to nail it down with her. You can do so kindly, but the message must be “you didn’t say that you wanted to come. The tickets were expensive and non refundable. Which of us did you expect to stump up £££ just on the off chance that you would want to go on the day? You were asked if you wanted to come and you didn’t say that you did.”

I suspect there is - as a pp said - a bit of manipulation going on here. I think you need to make it clear that it won’t be pandered to…..

You need a new group chat - without her.

Isn't it strange that she can't reply to a group but will respond to someone individually at a later date? She's expecting that individual then to have to relay her response? Why is it acceptable for her to ignore messages but not the individual who then has to act on her response? If it were me I'd start to match her actions - leave her on unread 'sorry I thought you'd reply in the group and I missed your message'. Start inconveniencing her as she quite obviously inconveniences the group.

I don’t think the OP and the group at large need to change their behaviour at all.

If the friend who doesn’t reply wants to be included in group events, she needs to say she’s in by the deadline, or accept she won’t be included.