AIBU to feel hurt when a friend ignores all group plans?

[ForDucksSake]

I'm hoping I don't get my arse handed to me here but will absolutely accept if I'm in the wrong.

I have a long-standing friend (around 12 years now) who I'm very fond of. There are 5 of us who regularly do things together: concerts, theatre, meals out, nights around each others houses etc., so although we all have other friends and interests, I would say that we are close friends.

She never arranges or suggests anything to do and never has us round to her own house, which is fine, none of the rest of us really mind this as we know the idea of it stresses her out (although our 'in' nights are basically drinking wine and eating crisps, not fancy). I do need to point out that she suffers from anxiety. I'm not unsympathetic to this.

The issue is when we arrange anything, it's through our group chat as it's by far the easiest way to 'speak' to each other to talk about dates that we are all free etc. She never (or very rarely) responds to these. She reads them and doesn't respond. She'll message individually about how your day has been but completely ignore the other messages. We've tried all the usual things like tagging her etc but she still ignores. The problem is that if one of us is buying tickets, we don't know how many to buy. If we are arranging lifts, we don't know if we're picking her up or whose car to take etc. She waits until the very last minute then messages one of us privately, which means that person has to message everyone else to let them know what's happening because she just won't message the group chat. Last year one of us was buying tickets for us all to go to a gig and she read and didn't respond, so our other friend went ahead and booked them. Cut to the week before and she messages (in the group chat for once) and asks about arrangements. Not only did we all think that she just didn't want to come, she hadn't paid for a ticket either. She was really upset saying that we had gone ahead without her and had left her out etc etc. So she doesn't want to respond, but still wants to be included.

Now it's happened again and she has ignored my invitation to a get together. I am just sick of wondering if I've done something wrong, or said something to offend her etc. Invariably it's not that, it's just that she says she feels 'overwhelmed' by responding in the group chat. I think we're all so sick of it now. Back to my AIBU. Surely she should actually consider how her ignoring and constantly having us second guess every situation is really pretty shit on the rest of us? I'm actually starting to feel quite upset at just being ignored and I don't think this would even cross her mind.

I think you should write a message and put it in the group chat something along the lines of ' socialising as we do is often expensive and difficult to plan.. from now on any group plans will be discussed only on the group chat to avoid any misunderstandings. Please do check the group chat every couple of days and get back to the arranger before their given final date to avoid missing out. No exceptions

Then each of you send this individually to her too. Make sure you know she has read it.
Then no responses to any outside of the group chat queries.

Yes lego good way to word it. God puts me off planning things with groups now..

Would doing a poll help? Who would like a ticket? Yes/No. I am thinking that would help if the problem is writing messages herself.

What is she like when she goes out with you?
It seems a little strange her anxiety is about the group chat, yet she is happy to be out with you all as a group.
It would make more sense if she only messaged one person and then only met people on a one to one basis.

I think the issue is you have now pandered to her. I think you need to be firm as others have said and in the group chat give a deadline for responding. If she hasn't responded, then I would give one more chance in the group chat on the date of the deadline saying I have heard from everyone but friend (and tag her) so I will be booking tickets tonight at 6 so assume I only need to buy 4.
Maybe once she has missed one event she will then realise she has to make the effort too.

Well fair enough in that instance, but I would speak to the person who agreed to collect her, which caused you to be late.
Bottom line is you are bending yourself out of shape for someone who really is all about herself.
I dislike the autism reference as it is a constant on MN for excusing rude selfish behaviour. I have two autistic adult children that maintain their friendships by realising the whole world does not revolve around them.

If it’s via wattsapp, I’d just add the invitation as a poll then all she has to do is click a button. No replies needed.
On that post include a deadline
On that date a post stating the tickets will be bought at x oclock
When she moans, just send her a screenshot of that post
Then you’ve accommodated her as much as possible whilst still having boundaries

This is what I would do.
First set up a new what’s app group with everyone but her.
Nominate one person to respond in ‘old’ group while still keeping everyone else in old group
When in new what’s app group you have decided on event/date/transport etc post it in old what’s app group.
Nominated person Asks her anxious controlling person if she wants to go and if she does she needs to respond by xxx date.
She can’t complain of beimg ‘overwhelmed’ as it’s simply one on one with others able to see, so not loads of messages.
She will invariably complain to one/some//all of you.
You can either ignore (‘I didn’t see it’) or get one person to respond saying ‘well of course we set up a group without you -this was to keep you in the loop without overwhelming you, you left us with no option as the only other option was to remove you completely’.
I think it needs pointing out to her that her behaviour is causing stress, anxiety and disruptions to the rest of the group .

If she’s ND then I do feel for her but she isn’t doing herself any favours is she? And if this has happened before then surely it’s time she starts to learn about other people’s feelings & boundaries too.

I hate long, detailed group chats too. I almost never go back and reread the whole thing, I'll just scan the last couple of messages.

I do accept this means I miss out a lot. It's on me.

I WOULD love it if one person made an effort to message me about events. But I accept if they don't want to.

It sounds less like anxiety and more like a personality trait. She wants special treatment, she does not want to be treated the same as everyone else in the group. Whatever you do to accommodate her within the group chat will be rejected and she'll think up another test for you all. And the test is designed to inconvenience you. Now that you've noticed and become frustrated, it's time to put yourself first. No more pandering to her as it's just encouraging her to push the limits.
Good luck.

But surely being tagged into a conversation would be the cue to being invited and people reaching out to you. There is one mum in the group of friends I have from when our kids were small who only ever responds if tagged. She generally ignores the generic chat but if we arrange something someone always tags her and she then responds with yes or no.
Expecting people to private message does seem like wanting special treatment in the case of the OP's friend.

I don't have anxiety but I do have chronic fatigue and brain fog. I absolutely cannot cope with a group WhatsApp. It completely frazzles my brain and feels like I can't follow what's happening when different people keep chipping in with comments, questions and cutting across each other. I'm in a group that a friend added me too and I've had to mute it for my own sanity. They all seem to post dozens of messages a day, keeping up with each other and what their plans are and it stresses me massively.

I occasionally Whatsapp the 'friend' that added me to see if she fancies a coffee but I've made it really clear to her that I can't cope with this group - half of whom I barely know.

I'm the same with family. I have to call or message family separately because my brain cannot manage a group chat. Fortunately they understand this.

I have a friend like this, its rubbish and tbh its caused a fracture in the group.
She never responds or takes weeks and weeks, is very sensitive but also the first to get angry etc
It actually caused a few falling outs between the other girls because one girl thinks we need to pussyfoot around her and actually not talk about things in our lives that make us happy eg marriage, jobs, events, babies. Even giant pregnant bellies needed to be ignored cause we couldn't appear to celebrate what she didnt have.... it was ridiculous and tbh none of the friendships survived in the same way.

I have a friend like this, its rubbish and tbh its caused a fracture in the group.
She never responds or takes weeks and weeks, is very sensitive but also the first to get angry etc
It actually caused a few falling outs between the other girls because one girl thinks we need to pussyfoot around her and actually not talk about things in our lives that make us happy eg marriage, jobs, events, babies. Even giant pregnant bellies needed to be ignored cause we couldn't appear to celebrate what she didnt have.... it was ridiculous and tbh none of the friendships survived in the same way.

It isn't that. It's that the long chats are very overwhelming and I find it hard to scroll through loads of messages. I have ADHD and ASD and just find the pressure too much.

I do accept it's a me problem and not the issue of the others though. And accept if I miss out on something.

If she's on her phone constantly she might not be taking the conversation in when she is in a space to respond. I am struggling with fatigue and pnd at the moment so I have taken to muting or not open chats until I'm in a position to respond to them.

I've pinned messages before in chats. We have a class what's app group for my daughters school and have pinned things like the holiday calendar link or the PE/Forest school time table

I have a friend who struggles with anxiety, social things, driving to places and asking for help. By default if I have suggested going somewhere out of town I offer her a lift.

For a final message - "we need a buy tickets, how many are we getting - give a thumbs up if you are coming. Tickets will be booked at 8pm tomorrow"

Are any of you close enough to her to have a word about the blockers for coming? I have a friend who has crippling fatigue and an autoimmune condition. She does not know if she will be well enough until a few days before hand. Some things are organised accommodating her in the hope she will be feeling well enough to join us and we factor her availability when planning the event. Other times she says plan it as if I'm not coming and if on that week I'm feeling well enough and am available I'll try to join you if not have a lovely time.

Which like I said if fair enough and if you do what my friend does she only dips in when tagged e.g. Sarah don't think you have seen this, we are planning to go to X on Friday are you interested in joining us.
She only needs to read that message then and can respond to the group of yes see you then or no not this time.

Absolutely wouldn't be tolerating this! I have friends who are crap at replying but this is next level. How stressful for all of you, I'm not sure I could be friends with someone like this

Who fancies doing x? Cost is y. Let me know by z and I’ll book

The End.

As a fellow anxiety sufferer I can identify with some of this

• Not suggesting things
• Not being able to have people over
• Struggling with group chat
• Not knowing in advance whether I'm going to be able to manage something

Where I'm struggling to understand is

• Completely ignoring the invite rather than messaging someone individually and saying "would like to but not sure I can". How open is she about her anxiety? Some folks find it harder to be upfront about it. I have a friend who finds it really hard to be explicit and thus appears very flaky.

• Expecting to be included despite non response. This is the bit that doesn't tally with anxiety for me. How long was there between the suggestion of the gig and the booking of tickets? How far in advance was it booked? If it was booked a long way in advance it doesn't seem fair to expect to be included at the last minute.

I like the suggestion of a pp to say "feel free to message individually but if we don't hear by x date we'll assume it's not for you". Where possible, leave it open for her to decide at the last minute depending on how she is. Where that's going to create problems for you, e.g. when tickets have to be booked, give her a deadline and don't feel guilty about it.

I've missed out out loads of things because of anxiety, but I'd hate to think I was causing stress for anyone else!

This would drive me up the wall. I’d stop including her.

I have a friend like this. We generally only go out for a meal or drinks but we often don't know until the day whether she's actually joining us. Even when she's said yes she often has some kind of issue so she pulls out on the night.

I'd suggest putting on the WhatsApp. "Hi x, everyone else has confirmed they're coming. I'm buying the tickets tomorrow morning. Let me know by 10pm tonight if you want to join us."

End of discussion. If she doesn't reply by 10pm she doesn't get a ticket.

She's really great company and we have a real laugh, hence my wish to keep the friendship going. I do think it's got worse over the years, she used to always respond, but certainly over the last 4/5 years things have got worse.

How do you think it would go if you had an in person chat with her along the lines of “I really appreciate spending time with you and having you in my life but making arrangements for outings is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I’ve been thinking about solutions. As you don’t use the group chat to respond would it be easier for you to be removed from that chat and anyone organising a group outing can send you an individual message and you can communicate with them that way? Of course that will only ease the anxiety I am feeling if you are able to respond within any deadlines to get tickets or organise transport that are the same for everyone else. Or do you have another solution? The only other solution I can see is that if you don’t respond then we will have to proceed as if you are not able to attend. Why don’t you have a think about what would work for you and for everyone else so we can all continue to meet up? Then we can have another chat and put any solution to the wider group.

If she responds negatively then that’s on her.

Our invitation chats are really not long. They're usually along the lines of 'fancy a night at mine on the 12th'? or similar. There's only 5 of us as well, it's not like there's 20 people all chipping in or anything.

Honestly, I feel like she would try to make me feel terrible if I said this and can be quite adept at making other people see her as a vicitim. I remember when we first met feeling really sorry for her because someone had 'wronged' her.