Am I being unfair expecting OH to actually parent his eldest?

[SecondTimeLucky0]

Hi all. Posting because I genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much anymore or if this is just how blended families are and I need to get over myself a bit.

We live in a 2 bed terrace and up until recently my stepsons were only here every other weekend plus bits of school holidays. They’re 14, 10 and 7 and me and OH also have a 14 month old together.

Before anyone says it yes I know the house is small but it worked fine before because the older boys mostly camped out in the living room when they stayed.

Things changed with their mum and they’re now here full time. I’ve actually tried really hard to make it work. We moved DS into our room which honestly hasn’t been ideal because he still wakes in the night sometimes, and we decorated the second bedroom properly for the boys with bunkbeds/storage/new bedding etc so it actually felt like their room not just somewhere they dumped bags every other weekend.

The issue is the eldest.

He absolutely hates sharing and makes everyone miserable constantly. He shouts at the younger two for touching “his” stuff, pushes them about, swears at them and at me if I say anything and OH either says nothing or tells me he’s “struggling with the change”.

I do understand it’s a big adjustment but there seems to be no line at all. Last week he shoved the 10yo hard enough that he hit the doorframe because apparently he’d sat on the wrong side of the room. Yesterday he launched his phone at the wall during an argument with OH because he was told to put washing away and smashed the screen. OH then paid to get it repaired because “otherwise he won’t have a phone for school”.

I nearly lost my mind honestly.

The younger boys are starting to look nervous around him and my 7yo SS cried at bedtime because the eldest had threatened to “make his life hell” if he touched his charger again.

OH says I’m expecting too much too soon and that his eldest is angry/confused and needs support not punishment. I’m not asking him to be marched off to military school, I just think there should actually be consequences when he’s hurting people or smashing things?

I’m also getting fed up of feeling like me and the little ones are the ones constantly compromising while he gets accommodated because he kicks off the loudest.

AIBU to think this can’t just carry on indefinitely?

So you're telling me three boys are sharing one room in what sounds like a small terraced house? The 14 yo defo needs some privacy, its a difficult age. Is there no support available from council etc to rehouse you? If you were fostering/adopting/had social services input this would not be allowed.

YANBU. Your OH absolutely needs to step up and parent his children.

The current living situation doesn’t sound sustainable either, what is your OH doing to increase his income so you can all afford somewhere bigger for the 4 children?

Your OH needs to find a house big enough to house his children. I feel sorry for all of you - not enough space at all!

OP, what was the set-up at his DM’s house? Is there any chance eldest SS could move back with his DM, because it doesn’t sound as though this is working at all. You and OH will have to have a word with SS - at 14, he’s old enough to understand that the situation is not ideal, but you’re doing your best, and that it’s bullying behaviour to frighten his younger brothers. Is there any chance you might be able to move? It sounds like a nightmare, and it will only get worse as they get older, get more stuff and take up more room. I’s sure the oldest SS is angry and confused - but that doesn’t make it OK to terrorise his brothers and behave in a violent manner.

2 bedrooms. 4 children. 2 grown ups?

You really need to move - and then sort parenting.

Is your baby safe?

Presumably there has been some crisis that means they are all here.

to be honest, if mum has died/has cancer or anything of that level you can expect a lot of difficult behaviour as they will be very unhappy and are clearly also being crammed in to an unsuitable space.

could you/dh sleep in the lounge on a sofa bed to split the boys up?

What has happened that means they can no longer live with their mother?

Are you planning to move?

What consequences does the 14 year old face for his actions? Particularly for getting physical with a child half his age?

This is a hard situation for everyone. 14 year olds are notoriously emotionally disregulated, but this poor boy is having to go through big changes. Things must have been pretty bad for a while for the boys to be moved from their mum's, and he's probably feeling very rejected, as well as having to deal with a lack of privacy in what is a very small house for 6 people.
Od course it's not OK for him to lash out at his younger siblings, or to throw and break his phone, but I don't imagine punishment will help. He must know he's in the wrong. What he needs is help with handling his emotions, and somewhere he can get a bit of quiet time out. Is it possible to arrange some kind of counselling - maybe the school might be able to assist? These things take time, and DH's approach is probably the best long term. `Is he close to DH, would he talk to him? Does DH have the skillset to help navigate these very difficult feelings, and to help him find other outlets?
I'm sure you and the younger kids are also suffering, it's a lot for you to take on. Is there any way you can move somewhere bigger? Failing that, maybe a shed in the garden, if you have one, might be a cheaper way of getting him his own space.

The 14 year old is angry and verbally and physically abusive to his younger sibs and your husband is allowing it. He's bullying them.

Time for your husband to parent and the 14 year old needs consequences for his acting out and abusive behaviour. One of them gets hurt and you'll have social services involved in your household.

Are there plans to move? That's a tiny space for 6 people.

How long is it likely they will be with you full time? If it's long term then I think you are going to need to address the bedroom situation. Can you and your husband sleep in the living room, freeing up the bedrooms for children?

Tbh being 6 people in a 2 bed setting does explain why the 14 yo reacts badly. He shouldn't of course but it's really too small with 3 children in 1 room.

Oh, I agree. That's why I asked if there are plans to move. I live in a city where places are notoriously small. It's rough.

A baby can be really sleep disruptive in a small place too. So too little room, a baby crying, yeah, I can see why he's acting out, but the dad has to stop him from abusing his siblings. This isn't their fault.

Of course it has to stop but the parents need to work out the future pretty fast. 6 people can't stay in a 2 bedroom setting.

The father should not have fathered all these children he can’t properly support. Poor kids what a crap childhood all crammed into one room.

Can you go and stay with a family member for a few weeks / a month to at least get your son and you out of this situation whilst a solution is found? I would. You might also, if there is no medium term solution, try to apply for homeless help on the basis it is unsafe for you to return and your son to be around his brother. A possible solution might be, if you can find somewhere nearby, to live apart until the situation is resolved.

Sorry OP, you need a bigger house. The eldest son isn’t behaving well but he is clearly struggling. What happened their mum? The change is bound to be having an effect and he needs space and time.

Your house is far too small and teenagers need their privacy . No wonder he’s frustrated . What are you going to do when they’re all teenagers .

You and DH need to set up a sofa bed in the living room so that DSS can have his own room. My mind is slightly boggling that a father of four thought a 2 bed house would be fine even with them staying part of the time.

From OP's post, it doesn't sound like they have plans to move and this isn't going to get better. The baby's going to be mobile soon and this is unsustainable.

This is true. I am guessing he was quite happy to start a new family and forget his first if he was only having them every other weekend.

So, what is your DH doing to solve this problem? He created the problem (literally), he needs to step up and solve it. Ideally he needs to earn more money and pay for a bigger house. Is that feasible.

Can you and your oh sleep on the living room and split the boys up?

I’m normally the first to say that kids need discipline and he absolutely needs to know it’s not ok to scare or hurt his siblings but he’s 14 and he’s sharing with 2 younger brothers. That really isn’t ok.
Is there any option of moving house?

When I worked with teens it was the teenage boys abandoned by their mums who were the most messed up and world push the hardest to test unconditional love from others. Usually I’m all for firm boundaries but I think that needs to be with kindness and patience in these circumstances.

Essentially, your dh has a family and then added to it despite not having the appropriate space. Typical selfish behaviour that seems to regularly repeat on mn but I’m sure you wanted a dc of your own so why consider existing dc needs? 🙈