AIBU to be angry after SIL accused me of disordered eating?

[PerfomativeDisordered]

In the Easter holidays we went away with SIL and her family. The dc get on well and we thought it might be nice for them to spend more time together. Up till now we always got on with SIL and her DP.

The plan was to go away again in the summer. However SIL spoke to DH yesterday and they’ve cancelled coming with us. Apparently my behaviour at Easter was not something they can ‘put up with or expose their teenage daughters to’

They accused me of

1. having disordered and performative eating habits and possibly an eating disorder and don’t think I should be around their girls as it’s not setting a good example. That I was affecting her as well as I made her feel stressed about food the way I ate and the quantities and how 3 cooked meals a day is gluttony yet I’m too thin so she felt huge anxiety?

2)that I’m cruel to animals as we wouldn’t allow their dog into our room in the accommodation which meant they had to get up to distract him. Apparently he loves dh and wanted cuddles and me preventing that made them feel anxious as that’s not a normal response ? I love animals I just didn’t want a dog in our bed ! Every evening and early morning he was whining and scratching and this ruined their relaxing.

Back to the eating. I eat totally normally! SIL had put the idea to dh that I must have crash dieted before the holiday , overeaten in a performative way during then accused me of ‘probably starving herself’ when home apparently to make her feel bad.
I eat very healthily and normally. Never had any kind of eating disorder and I’m a normal size (8-10 no idea what I weigh as I don’t have scales as never needed any)
a typical days eating for me is pretty standard I think:
I have eggs on toast and a smoothie for breakfast. Snack on fruit or nuts mid morning. I love lattes. Have 2-3 a day.
I love to cook so for lunches I make things like pasta salads, chicken and salmon with rice and avocado. Sometimes frittata or quiche.
Dinners I’ll have anything but it’s the biggest meal and things like curries , bolognese and garlic bread. When we were away I made a dark
choc and raspberry torte and SIL kept saying ‘well of course I can’t have dessert’ and seemed annoyed when I had 2 slices. I snack in the evening and had popcorn one night and a glass of wine and crackers and cheese another night. She said I overeat so I must be cutting back at other times to overeat around them and her daughters will see me and the amount I eat and ‘it doesn’t add up’

She doesn’t want someone ‘unstable who won’t admit there’s a problem’ around impressionable teens and it’s apparently very concerning that I dislike animals that’s a red flag apparently.

DH told her this is all ridiculous he’s known me for a long long time he knows I have zero issues that she is suggesting. I’m confused too as she’s known me a long time I’ve always been the same size ???

AIBU to be really angry at these accusations. We also have teen dds as well as younger ds. She was insinuating that im a risk to them as well and telling dh that?!

I think this too - pretty much. She’s simply jealous of you.

She is obviously the disordered one!

You don't have to be around that or give a crap what she thinks or says. It's her problem.

It is a shame though as a good relationship with in laws would be ideal.

I wouldn't go on holiday with a dog. You do seem to eat quite a lot which is none of her business.

She’s clearly bonkers but there’s also some weird comments on here too about you being able to eat ‘all that’ and stay slim. That’s a totally normal amount of food and healthy homemade food too. It being cooked doesn’t magically increase calories.

Reminds me of someone I know who makes comments like that but drives everywhere and does zero exercise and eats ultraprocessed shite half the time 🤷‍♀️

OP, I think this is a lucky escape.
I don’t understand why the dog wanted to go into your bedroom.

She sounds nutty as a fruitcake. Do you really want to spend another holiday with her anyway?!

I would be furious if someone accused me like this. What complete nonsense. She clearly has to eat a lot less than you to keep to her size and is thus envious and angry. No excuse at all.

Unless you were mentioning calories, macros etc or expressing opinions on nutrition or something then I can’t see how what you ate or how much you ate has any kind of influence on sil or her dc? Did you make any comments about food or talk
about healthy eating? If not then this is all projection on her part and she’s being batshit!

Did you actually say that having 3 full meals is gluttony or not?

She sounds absolutely bonkers and really insecure the dog thing is just weird why would you want their dog in your bedroom.

Bonkers - draw a line under it (i.e.her) and move on with your life she does not offer a lot/add to it

How preposterous and bizarre. She thinks it's impossible for someone eat normally and be a size 8/10?!

Yeah I'd keep a wide berth. And the thing about her fucking dog. Why would you want to look after it?!

@PerfomativeDisordered she sounds crazy. The cheeky cow! I’d look on this as a lucky escape (although if you are still keen to holiday with others, I would suggest separate accommodation 😵‍💫🤣)

So it seems like a good result. You surely do not want to spend a holiday or much time at all with someone who treats you this way.

That said, society is utterly despicable towards women who are overweight. The mental illness resulting from it is so prevalent and torturous. Even in people who are not overweight but consider themselves to deviate from society’s obsession with looking perfect. You are very lucky not to have ever needed scales and to remain a size 8-10 after 3 kids whilst being able to eat 3 very decent meals, snacks, cheese, wine, several lattes etc. I get that it’s not pleasant to be accused of having an ED, but it’s a whole lot less pleasant than actually having one or watching every single morsel that passes your lips - which it sounds like she has to. I mean compare it with this kind of statement: I don’t check my bank balance/statements, never needed to. In the Easter we go skiing, summer to Italy and autumn to Florida. In between we go on city breaks and at Christmas sometimes we do Lapland. Oh and Milan was so nice we decided to go 2 weekends in a row. Nobody would argue that this statement isn’t tone deaf. Society has made the food issue the same.

That doesn’t excuse the accusations she made. But it does go some way towards explaining them.

She's batshit, clearly has food issues herself or she wouldn't be paying such close attention to your eating habits and is projecting massively. I mean, it's easy to feel jealous of thin people who get away with scoffing rings round them but you don't come out and actually say it to them! 😂

I've never heard of holiday accomodation that allows dogs on beds. She has bloody nerve demanding that you pander to her bloody dog.

I reckon she's done you a favour. Enjoy your own holidays without her nonsense.

How odd, her teenage dds will have some friends who are rake thin & eat 5000 cals a day

OP wasn't talking about herself and her eating habits though!

Sounds like a narrow escape! She’s mad.
A simple ”thanks for letting us know” will do, and move on. Really don’t waste your time trying to understand her motives, it’s not worth it.
Bit surprising that she told your husband and he relayed it all to you, it’s quite hurtful - I’d have sanitised it to something far less jibey, “hey, sis can’t make joint holiday this year, they want a bit more flexibility because of the dog, I dunno, I get the impression they just want to holiday by themselves,” but then I don’t like to make people angry 😂😂

She thought that her dog should be allowed in your bedroom/bed?

That's weird!

She sounds like a loon.

I never understand people going away with family when they’re so disparate. Just don’t bother doing it again.

I have a very slim friend who eats a lot - we worked together and have travelled so I know how much she eats. That’s just the way she is.
Your SIL sounds like she projecting all her insecurities on to you and best thing not to go away together. I hope your DH put her straight.

she’s talking about them on the thread

and the SIL was watching OP eating the whole time

She sounds loopy OP but understand this is going to be tricky for you husband to navigate. To think someone going all out on holiday with the food must have starved themselves for the weeks before and after is absolutely batshit. I hope you husband isn't entertaining any of this.

Was the OP supposed to not eat on holiday then?

Here you are: this is a current thread about how women with a few extra pounds get treated: the waiter makes a crack about the OP’s weight and the OP’s mil doubles down and says perhaps it’ll motivate op to do something about it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5527579-family-fall-out-after-i-negatively-reviewed-in-laws-favourite-restaurant

everyone calling the SIL a loon is pretending that society doesn’t treat women like this. SIL is certainly very rude and OP is lucky not to have another holiday with her. But SIL’s issues are pretty bread and butter. There’s no mystery here or “loon”.