To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

OP, your DS needs to know that he is coming across like a convert to one of the more extreme religions, and that while he may have drunk the kool aid, you don’t need to. I’d be saying, son, you know I love you dearly, but you really have turned into a sanctimonious, preaching bore, and your Dad and I enjoy not having to get up on a Saturday morning, or chilling out in front of the telly, and you are free to do any sort of clean eating you like, and we are equally free not to. I’d say that you j is he is trying to be helpful, but it really really isn’t, and comes across as hectoring and lecturing. Someone needs to tell him, because unless his friendship group is exclusively composed of fitness freaks, he’ll be alienating others outside the family, and probably workmates too. For sure.

My first thought was that it sounds like payback. Teenagers spend most of their lives getting nagged about all those things. What was their relationship like when he was a teen?

What a bossy boots lecturing you and your dh. Arrogant, isn’t he?

Don’t answer the door so early.

Well if he's going to be an insufferable prick, I'd make it worth his while. Have every calorie laden piece of shite food in the fridge, sit there eating a bowl of ice cream/white bread crisp sandwich/ whatever the latest verboten food is. Pour a mega glass of wine even at 9am (he might need CPR after that) and slob in the chair with an "oof" . Say nothing just raise your glass every time he lectures you. Wink as you do it. Same approach from DH.

The only thing these twats understand is being mocked and ridiculed. Arguing and justifying etc. won't work. So do something hilarious and effective.

Well if it doesn't work, you'll at least had an enjoyable time eating and drinking all that rubbish in his presence anyway. Then you can put a chain on the door 😊

He sounds hilarious. Lock your door from the inside, start laughing when he begins another lecture, or get up and walk away, or put on some headphones.

Hopefully it will pass. He's a bit too excited about his life eh.

He needs a girlfriend or boyfriend so he's got better things to do. Except that he won't hold on to one for long if he treats them equally shit.

If he has a key, I would put the key in the lock on the inside so he can’t get in. Both doors if he has both front and back door.

I have back door key of my DP’s but they are in there 80’s and even then I wouldn’t just let myself in their locked house. Unless I was worried and they hadn’t answered phone etc.

He isn't lovely. He's a rude nasty little turd. Change the locks and tell him he is no longer welcome to randomly turn up. Stop tolerating this. How can you describe him as lovely? I have a 25 year old son visiting for the weekend and I would hand him his arse and his bags if he ever even hinted at such rudeness. Wake up.

Did he used to drink a lot? Might he be trying to start a conversation about why he’s given up alcohol?

Cycling is statistically more dangerous per mile than driving. So you can tell ds that dh is looking after his health in comparison and you are both worried about his safety… and go on and on about it.

Try and have an honest conversation with him about it. From your OP, I could see where he was coming from and I still do to a point. However, if this is constant with everyone he speaks to he is going to end up pushing people away and struggling to get on with anyone who isn't the same as him. Tell him you are very proud of how he has improved his lifestyle, but if he carries on criticising everyone and only talking about himself he is going to end up with losing relationships with people.

There is being concerned about family and then there is angry posts about not wanting to look after elderly relatives, this man is going into his parents home berating them and rummaging around their fridge and more than likely cupboards like he owns the place.

Maybe something is going on with him that he is having trouble resolving and he is over-compensating or distracting himself from whatever it is by delving into what he sees as other peoples' problems that he thinks he can solve. He shouldn't be doing that of course, and I'm not surprised that you and his father are getting ticked off with it. But trying to life coach his poor old gran is another level.
Perhaps you could approach it from that angle, just the two of you. If he insists there is nothing going on with him and you all need to be told what he has to say then I think you will have to play the stern mother to his tiresome know it all child. Tell him he is becoming tiresome and boring in equal measure and if he doesn't find things to talk about other than hectoring he will find conversations shut down swiftly.
If it turns out that he is struggling with something then you can reassure him he will get support and whatever practical help you can offer.

Really? I never gave my key back when I left home (my dad wanted us to always have somewhere safe to go if we needed it, whether they were home or not).

I always let myself in. Lucky really because mum would probably have been lying on the bathroom floor for hours rather than 20 mins if I’d waited until concerned.

He sounds totally obsessed and an insufferable BORE

Really? They don’t lock their doors when in, but I would never let they myself into their locked house!
I might feel differently if they were on their own. But they have each other!
Plus when I was really worried I phoned my sister and let myself in. She was furious as we woke her up and my DF had been out and about from 9.30! Free bus pass time.
They are a funny pair, DF is up at dawn and a bed at 9pm and my DM is up at 10 at earliest and doesn’t go to bed until midnight.
The joys of being old and being able to do what the hell they like.

Is he projecting his own unhappiness?

I would be having a no shit approach to keep his opinions aren’t wanted keep them to himself. He is damaging his relationships with family and will find people withdrawing from him

You're the nastiest poster I've encountered on here and that's saying something. No doubt you'll report my post because people like you who dish it out can't take a bit of 'feedback' yourselves.

Most of the advice here is “take away his key” which is the obvious way to start. What are you going to do, OP?

if he had as few boundaries
growing up and you were scared
to set him straight or tell him off no wonder he turns up like an entitled little shit making demands and judgements.

You are still the parents, act like them and get him told. Stop being so scared to communicate with your own child
ffs

This. Just tell him to be quiet, ffs.

Unfortunately it's a common theme when a child grows up and moves out, I embarrassed myself coming home from uni with high minded ideas and being a bit better than or preachy with parents and I cringe now, it's so rude and ungrateful.

It's also compounded by your son leading a very healthy lifestyle and being active, you do become a bit of an acolyte to fitness when you're in that world and feeling great every day, but he needs to get some perspective and respect and understand not everyone can or wants to do the same.

If you have told him youre not interested etc i think as soon as he starts don't say anything just get up and walk away.

Sit down if he follows get up again and sit down somewhere else.

Keep going till you get to your bedroom and lock the door. Maybe he will get the message then.

Its insufferable when people get a new lifestyle and start lecturing.

Ah young adults. Think they know everything. My brother was like this too and my parents were annoyed by it, but they didn’t see him as often so could ignore it. He grew out of it.

Your son needs a sharp word - you wouldn’t tell him how to live his life now, so he can’t tell you how to live yours

Sums it up. You and your DH are adults. How you live is up to you. This immature twat shuts up or he doesn’t come round!