To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

honestly? Two words come to mind as a response to your son and the second one is off. Take away his key and drop the rope.

He sounds insufferable i bet his idea of a treat is snacking on some seeds ! I think he needs to let you know when he is visiting what is the point of visiting his parents if he finds them so dissapointing?

His poor gran also being lectured

Your DH needs to look your DS in the eye and tell him that if he wants his advice on diet or lifestyle choices he will ask for it .

Another day on mumsnet, another parent who’s raised their child to be an entitled, self-centred arse complaining about being on the receiving end of their behaviour.

The fact that you can’t even put boundaries in with a 25 year old who doesn’t live with you says it all.

He clearly has no insight so needs a firm talk about the negative effect his behaviour is having on you and to be told very clearly that he is overstepping.

Encourage your DH to say "Oy! Back off, stop criticising and mind your own business!"

In fact why don't you say that, in front of your DH next time you get a peep of criticism?

Tell your ds firmly and directly that HE is causing a separation between him and his Dad - and you - by his zealous evangelism.

The pair of you are just meekly sucking this up or wringing your hands and beseeching him!

God he sounds like an insufferable twat quite honestly. I think the only thing you can do is have a conversation with him really clearly that he is being unkind, his criticism is unwelcome, you will not tolerate it any longer and it’s actually making him hugely unpleasant to be around. Explain that as a family you are all agreed that nobody wants to hear his judgment. Reassure him that you’re proud of him for changing his life and for feeling good about that, but people are different and not everybody wishes to do the same.

Actually I think the OPs son sounds unwell, he sounds utterly obsessed, to be so self absorbed is not healthy for the mind, it's all very well having a keen interest in staying fit and eating better but this is another level.

I agree with other posters that he needs to be told that he is not welcome before 11am unless prearranged, also I would make it very clear that he is a visitor now and the contents of the fridge are none of his business.

I think instead of feeling pissed off with him though I think a very blunt conversation needs to had Father to Son, 'what the hell is going on with you that this is so all consuming'?

I think the first mistake is you thinking you have a "lovely lad".

I think you actually need to tell him that he is upsetting you, DH and grandma. Whilst you are really pleased he is happy in his life he is actually making your life miserable so perhaps his next part he needs to work on is his people skills!

I get that he probably wants best for you, but if a glass of wine, a lie in or enjoying a bit of TV makes you happy who is he to judge. If he won't listen you need to write him a letter and spell it out.

His parents are autonomous adults, free to make choices their son thinks are bad. They’ve heard his opinion.

He’s not ‘encouraging’, he’s hectoring and lecturing when he’s repeatedly been told to stop. It’s this that makes him insufferable.

Who said the DH is fat and lazy?

Before I had my kids I went through an obnoxious health freak phase. I am now 26 and we have three children and I’m still healthy but I don’t walk everywhere and I eat frozen fruit and veg. I think for some people they will just always be preachy and judgemental about how healthy they are until they get something that makes them realise actually it’s not that easy for everyone. A treat is nice every now and again, sometimes a maccies is okay, an occasional finders crispy pancake will not kill you.

It’s not his place to monitor and manage his dad’s health, but I understand him being concerned. My dad smokes and I’ve spent years trying to get him to stop, I’ve now accepted it’s not gonna happen. Since I’ve stopped nagging him he actually smokes less. I accept that his life style choice means he might not live as long as my mum, so me and my kids spend as much time with him as we can. Your son is responsible for his own health and that’s it, the food and fitness police rarely help people make meaningful long term change.

Actually I thought pp might have been on the money with that observation. I don't think it's remotely OK for the son to be haranguing the parents like this, but he probably is genuinely worried even though the way he's conveying it is completely unacceptable.

I would have some serious words with him.
I think you need to tell him that he really needs to work on his social skills.

He is coming across as a judgemental bore. And I would tell him that. Who exactly does he think he is to be going around laying down the law to all around him? It is very alienating behaviour.

How to best communicate that probably needs some thought, it really is a taste of his own medicine! But you need to get him to listen and take onboard what you are saying. It will make his life much better in the long run, as people really won’t tolerate this attitude in friendship.

Do you have a chain on your front door or a second locking mechanism? I would definitely use it, and also make it very clear that you are entitled to a lie in whenever you wish and not to call unannounced in the mornings.

i have come across this ‘know it all’ attitude together with the preachiness in 2 younger males in my extended family. It would do my head in.

It sounds like he has slipped into the Manosphere

He doesn’t sound lovely, he sounds like a sanctimonious arsehole. Many of us were like this when young but at 25 he needs to grow up and accept not everyone wants to be like him.

Tell him to fuck off and go no contact. Life is too short to put up with that kind of shit!

Honestly, just tell him he is being patronising and rude and shut up.

Even if it wasn’t impacting your husbands self esteem he is turning up at your house and being rude to everyone.

would you accept it from anyone else?

First of all tell him that you won’t be answering the door until a certain time in the morning as he is waking you up on the weekends.

What I don’t get is, why is he so invested in what his DF is doing? Has he not got a life of his own? It sounds as though he has far too much time on his hands and a boring life. Tell him to grow up.

I can’t lie if someone interrupted me enjoying a wine in the sun I’d be tempted to whip out a ciggie and really stress him out.

Tell your son he's no longer welcome at your home unless he stops talking health. Change the locks. Don't answer the door

Tell your husband that he needs to be a bit healthier as you're concerned that he might have a heart attack

Did your son not learn any manners growing up?
Is he lonely? Does he have any friends?

His fat, lazy dad can live his life any way he bloody wants to

I hate the health police

You don’t have a ‘lovely lad’ I’m afraid. Take his key, stop answering a chunk of his calls. Tell him straight how he is affecting everyone, stop putting up with his vile behaviour.

When I was in my early twenties with a speedy metabolism, young body, no major life difficulties experienced yet, creak free joints with my whole life ahead of me I was also an insufferable health and fitness twat.

Wait until he is late thirties with a few blows and knocks from life 😂

No real advice other than to say I'm sorry this sounds really hard