To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

He sounds insufferable , hopefully as he matures he may realise the errors of his ways .
I have 2 adult sons and they certainly aren't perfect either !

He sounds rather insecure tbh. Usually people w like that choose to put down others to make themselves feel better. It’s not a great way to live because he’ll never be happy.

I’m wondering why a young man who has his own place is constantly calling in at his parents?
Hasn’t he got anything better to do? Not meant as an insult, but at 25 he should be spending a lot of time with friends and I was going to say hobbies but it’s seems he has two - running and bullying other people.
He is going to lose people - if he hasn’t already - if he carries on like this.
Fair enough if you and DH lived in an episode of Hoarders and had to be winched out the window for medical treatment, but you are just two ordinary people enjoying their weekends.
I know it’s fine in many ways for him to have a key for emergencies but this is not right, him letting himself in, lecturing you.
As for bullying a lady of 83, that shows there is something else going on here, because it’s extreme.
He needs a conversation not just about what he is doing but why he is doing it.

I'd be making some very performative sex noise with DH next time he let himself in the house early on the weekend "yes yes Geoff, stick a finger in my bum, yessssssss" and then I'd change the locks.

And every time he'd lecture me I'd ask him how being single was going.

He sounds like a right twat.

Has he always been like this with hyperfixations at any age? He needs to learn about listening to other people's cues in conversation, when they get glassy eyed, annoyed etc so he can amend his own side accordingly, and not lecture people. My mum has a habit of that and my poor husband gets the brunt on visits as he's too polite to say anything so I'll end up coming in a room and saying abruptly "I haven't heard husbands voice in ages" which usually stops her or I say "I didn't buy a ticket to this one woman show btw" etc.

Then lean over the landing in a rubber mask…
Me and Geoff are just getting in our cardio 🤣

Is he an only child? Perhaps he is worried about having to become a carer for his dad in later life. Or maybe he is genuinely worried about him and thinks he can bully him into changing, which of course is never going to work. Young people can be so sanctimonious, but his concern probably comes from a good place.
If he’s being overly rude and critical it’s fine to tell him to button it! You could say ‘DS I know you care about us and your concern is noted but you are overstepping, please stop’.
And tell him if he can’t avoid dropping round early on a morning then he’ll need to hand over his door key and the door won’t be getting answered.
Maybe a private word would help- tell him that you know he’s worried about dad but nagging him is not the way to go about this. Perhaps they could spend time together doing something reasonably active like going for walks or hiking?

Sorry but your son sounds like a right intolerable twat.

frankly?
If this was my child i would be taking their key off them and telling them to call ahead if they think they want to come by.

And any judgemental bollocks would be nipped in the bud with "fuck off with that patronising shite" followed by "time for you to leave"

just saw that he does it to his gran, tell her to put the phone down and let him talk and she just gets on with her day. He sounds absolutely insufferable. Like he's in a cult.

Change the locks and change the subject when he starts lecturing you.

in your shoes i'd want to take up smoking and drinking lard by the pint

This does not sound like a "lovely lad". Sorry OP. He sounds rude, arrogant, selfish and self absorbed. I feel sorry for your husband here. Your son has no respect for him in his own home. He shouldnt be speaking to anyone in this way let alone his parents. You have my sympathy. This generation appear to all be like this.

Have you pointed out that his gran has made it to the age of 80 without his input and she doesn’t need it now.

I think you need to give him some home truths - his obsession is boring to others and his lack of interest or empathy for others is making him deeply unpleasant to be around

take your key back and fit a lock on the side gate

Easy solution to this
Change the locks ,don't give him a key .
I would say ask for your key back .but as you can't stand up to him. That's unlikely

@myfairladies It sounds like he might be suffering from orthorexia. I'm not sure how you can get through to him though if he's stuck in the mindset. Maybe call BEAT for help?

No other hyper fixation before this.
It just started with him reading a few self help books and then a few more and then going to seminars of motivational speakers and his conversations started by saying how much it all makes sense and he was transforming his mind but now it seems to have changed him too much.
I think he thinks he’s the motivational speaker now.
I don’t know where he gets his diet and fitness advice from but his exercise routine is more about mind discipline than fitness as he goes to the gym for that but runs miles and miles just to push himself.
It hasn’t just happened overnight, it’s gradually becoming all consuming.

Next time he comes over say John I am really getting upset by these comments you're making and it isn't fair.

Show him your post in here and the replies as a bit of food for thought.

I speak as a mum of 3 'lovely lads' similar age to your son and if they knew they were stressing me like this they would stop.
X

Your son sounds like my ex, whom both his parents take nothing much to do with anymore and consider him to be “an awfully opinionated arsehole”

and as for the moaning you’re still in bed at 8:30am id inform him id had a hard night of riding the life out of his dad, so needed the rest 😊

Change ALL locks on ALL of the doors.
Get a doorbell cam that you can mute/check from your phone.
Get better locks for and burglar proof your side gate(s).

Keep having your quiet relaxing weekends.

Mute his calls and check them when it's convenient for you.

Your son is being massively rude to his dad and to you.

No girlfriend then? What a surprise.

He’s actually just a mansplaining boor with absolutely no social graces at all.

You obviously need to be a lot blunter with him as to the issue, and given his straight-talking 🙄 nature I don’t think you need to hold any punches.

I think someone of 80 is the one with the life hacks, to be fair. I’d want to know her tricks on getting to that age.

I know he's 25 but when he grows up, he's going to be so embarrassed at what an insufferable twat he was.

“Thanks for your concern son. We tried our very best to raise you as a kind, empathetic, mature young man but the effort required has exhausted us, so we are now dependent on lie-ins, junk food and alcohol”

OK so I am kidding but humour is often the best way to get around this sort of thing. He should be growing out of the student prince phase by now!

He is bordering on bullying and as with all bullies, there is obviously something major missing from his life that he is free, and indeed wants to do this on a weekend morning, and needs to feel like the bigger, better person. Could it be that given his lack of sensitivity that he doesn’t have many friends?

I think your husband needs to stand up for himself and say to your ds that if his standards aren’t up to snuff then he can stop calling around at weekends until he has something pleasant to say.

And you can say that he can come back and criticise after he has worked ft for thirty years, and has raised a family himself. And in the mean time he needs to stop trying to control others.

And then I would ask him how his life is going and that generally he would do well to focus on himself, stay in his own lane, and for the rest, live and let live.

Sorry son, we can’t have you round until you’re no longer an insufferable cycle twat.

If he questions what you were doing in bed ‘so late’ tell him you were shagging. And if he comments on what dad’s doing sitting down/ not cycling, say you're both too tired for that as you’re getting plenty of exercise having sex all night. If there’s no food in the fridge, sorry, too busy having sex to do a food shop. He’ll get the message soon enough