To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

I had a big health scare and it was the wake up call I needed to start weights and cardio classes three times a week, cut down on alcohol and lose some weight. I’m in my 40s and feel so much better for making these changes.

A friend of my DPs, in her 60s, has just died in a situation where her lifestyle likely played a significant contribution. It is so scary seeing how these things can play out down the line.

I agree the DS isn’t going about things in the right way, but he’s young. If I were the OP I’d be wanting my DH to look after himself better to give himself the best chance of a healthy older age.

UK healthy life expectancy has declined compared to a decade ago - the latest stats came out last month. So at population level this is a real issue.

Utter rubbish.
Their son is a bully. What has driving criticism got to do with his health etc? This alone tells you that the son is an insufferable bore and no real interest in his parents other than to boss them.

He sounds like a snotbag.

I think he’s realised since he’s left home that there’s a lot more to life than he thought and he’s trying to help his father realise that.

What was his childhood like? Was he exposed to a lot, or did you tend to live quite a small life, with lots of TV and takeaway food, etc?

I disagree with all the sneering posters on here saying he sounds insufferable. I think it’s commendable he’s out there doing things and he’s trying to encourage you both to get up and out instead of sitting around the house in your dressing gowns.

9am isn’t exactly early.

And I think many posters here are forgetting the regular posts from mid age women moaning about how demanding their parents are in terms of their time and attention.

How many needs a lot of support and attention because they were stubborn and ignored all the warnings when they were younger?

The son is 25. He will be 45 when his dad turns 75 and going by what OP describes, likely to end up in poor health and in need of assistance. What 45 yo wants the huge responsibility of looking after their dad's needs or the criticism because they don't do more?

My parents are early 80s and healthy because they looked after themselves. I'm very lucky. My step mum is 10 years younger and is the one with all the care needs. I have little sympathy.

Why do you have to be so nasty? Does it improve your wellbeing to insult others so much? I pity you.

If son really wants to be helpful why doesn’t he bring round ingredients one afternoon and cook you all the type of meal he’s talking about ?
55 isn’t old and maybe your husband does need a bit of persuasion to get out , maybe a long walk ?
I get it if your son is worrying about his dad’s health but showing up and constantly nagging isn’t going to help at all .
I am older , I’d love a lie in but I have a dog 🐶🤣 to see to

Tell your son to stop letting himself in your home before midday and to STFU about his Dad's lifestyle choices.

Leave your key in the door to prevent him getting in so early.

I was having a glass of wine in the garden yesterday after work when Ds walked through the side gate and gave me a lecture about the negative affects of alcohol which turned into how good he feels without it in his life and how disciplined he is now because he doesn’t watch tv and he doesn’t eat this and that and doesn’t understand people who let their mind rot with tv, alcohol, caffeine etc so he’s either left those people behind or trying to change them or open their eyes to their misgivings now that he pushes himself to get up early and go for a run in the rain and convince everyone how wonderful his mindset is but it’s all he talks about, he’ll ring me and talk about nothing else but how he’s changed his life and I should read this self help book and listen to this paragraph.

Even my mum who is nearly 80 says she can be on the phone for an hour and not say a word because all he does is ring and tell her how to change her life and tell her how he has and how proud he is, I get he’s proud of himself but he puts us all down because we don’t follow his example.

I love him to bits but he has changed and it feels patronising when he walks in and we’re watching tv he’ll say why are you frying your brain? Go for a walk or do something productive then go on to tell us what he’s managed to accomplish today and belittle Dh and say he hasn’t got any discipline.

Ah, the essential drip feed, when points have been made that make the OP feel uncomfortable.

He's your kid, you raised him, deal with him if he's upsetting you.

Ok 😊 if it makes you feel better 👏

Ok 😊if it makes you feel better 👏

He sounds insufferable. Tell him he isn't welcome until he can start being nice and polite.

Has he got any friends left?

Oh good god .
I'm teetotal but you’d need to pry my coffee cup from my cold dead hands .
( I have 2 good coffees per day )
that would drive me mad , balance is everything.
Also I do watch a bit of TV too but that’s balanced with looking after disabled daughter , running a large house by myself and dog walks

He must be quite lonely if he's got nothing else to do than come round to yours for hours at a time and spend hours on the phone to his grandmother. Does he live alone? Has he thought of joining a running club or a gym, where he can meet other people? Dare I ask, is he neurodiverse?

Your son sounds like a bit of a twat. Not sure how you can correct it tho - he sounds insufferable and I’m surprised he has any friends (maybe similar people to him?) or perhaps, has no friends anymore so he’s comes after you and his dad to drive his crazy points home… I would change the locks. Or tell him if he’s only coming to judge - he can piss off back home. Have you other children?

What’s lovely about him? He sounds like a prick.

That's the spirit.

God, it gets worse.

Seriously, tell him that every time he opens his mouth someone somewhere considers sewing their vagina shut, and that he'd probably be a more enjoyable person if he did get drunk once in a while.

I'm actually feeling sorry for the son now, he must be insufferable for anyone to be around him without being told how to change their life and be the paragon of health and fitness that he is.

Has he got friends, girl/boy friend or anyone else other than his parents and grandmother to bore to death?

From OP's update, he sounds like someone who's joined a cult.

....has no excuse for not looking after himself and eating good food.

We don't know that he isn't. We only know that the DS thinks so. Even more so after OP's recent update, which came as I was writing this post. And the DS sounds like a domineering arse who thinks his opinions are the only ones worth listening to.

Take the key off him. Tell him to call in advance if he wants to come round. And if he starts, stand up and say firmly 'We don't want to hear this. Please talk about something else, or leave.' And repeat.

Doesn't he have any mates? He's 25 and he's bothering his parents all the time?

This. It comes from a place of deep insecurity though, superiority complexes usually do.

He does belong to a running club and does live alone and goes go to the gym.
Not neurodiverse I don’t think, this is new behaviour in the last year or two.
I don’t know if he’s lonely but he seems to always have places to be/people to meet. His phone never stops pinging.