AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

If it's a baby, then YABU. Babies are exhausting - boring yet completely restrictive. They howl, they feed for hours, the minute you try to do something that doesn't involve holding them they howl again. And this is on top of being awake half the night with the baby, and feeling exhausted during the day. That was my experience anyway! If you think otherwise, tell your partner to go out for the day while you look after the baby, and see how you manage.

I looked after 3 children and did everything as my husband worked full time. This is just an excuse!

Oh well you really are the golden girl then aren't you.

As others have said, it depends on the mess. If you’re talking about toys and clothes dotted around and not actual dirt I.e a huge pile of washing up, dirty floors, overflowing bin then it really doesn’t matter too much. She should help you tidy when you get home for sure. It’s just more important to some people than others. Maybe she’s depressed and struggling as well?

It’s Saturday morning, they will be down on their hands and knees, marigolds on scrubbing round the toilet before nipping out to the garden to hang up the second wash of the day to dry and bring in the first wash to sort, fold, and put away. Get a move on, there’s still the sitting room to dust and hoover/ mop and the stairs to do. And oh, while you are in the garden could you give the garden furniture a quick wipe down, looks as though it’s going to be a sunny afternoon.

I voted YANBU to expect a few things to be done, some of the time, but she shouldn’t be expected to the majority of the housework/cooking as she probably already works more hours than you. YABU if you expect her to do most of the housework/laundry/cooking most of the time.

It doesn't look like you've answered any of the questions, OP? How old is the baby? How does baby sleep at night and who gets up in the night if the baby needs feeding/changing? How was the birth, was it a C-section, is baby fussy/clingy?
If it's your first baby it's a big big change and a lot to get used to, especially if baby is still very young and/or breastfeeding. Even if baby is older, housework/cooking/chores should be 50/50. Maternity leave is not cooking/cleaning leave.

What so you're having to do some housework OP AND work all day while she just looks after a baby?!
And there's you with a ready made slave yet you're still expected to wash some clothes, wash dishes etc.
She's clearly taking the piss.

YABU.

I'm stitching you a rosette as I type.

Sounds like things were quite straightforward for you. You are aware women are not a monolith aren't you? That some women find it much harder than others for very valid reasons? You sound like you're going to be one of the mils we read about on here.

Why don't you offer to take the baby for a while?

What works for us is I cook and clean while hubby has baby because she won't nap unless we're out or she's being held.

Babies are hardwork, work together. We do the majority of the housework on weekends when we're both around.

You haven't said how old the baby is. All babies are different. Mine were easy and could just be put down and be happy. Some are velcro babies that can't be put down at all after feeding or to nap. Some cry a lot. Are they doing all the nights as well they are probably exhausted. Have you sat down and asked if they are struggling. Could they be suffering have post natal depression.

Are there any age or post birth complications affecting your partner physically, or with the baby (reflux/ sleep patterns not established?) I would suggest there is an overwhelming sense of responsibility for caring for the newborn and also a new family routine that needs to become established.

Personally achievement for first few months was baby, personal health, daily walk out side with baby (usually baby sleeps)& washing kept on top of - we used modern cloth nappies vs disposable (more economical) dinner prepared & ready for evening and quick tidy up so everyone had clean clothes.

my DH would come home - help with bath or bedtime and we would both have a short relax together before night feeds etc. You need to have some open discussion and see both perspectives.
maybe you take baby for 24 hrs and let your partner go out to work part time.

It very much depends on the health of the mother and the personality of the baby.

After having DD I was in agony from a forceps delivery, tear, episostomy and then I threw my back out as ‘D’H did fuck all on pat leave so I had zero chance to recover from the birth and rest.

DD was a Velcro baby. I couldn’t even put her down to go to the toilet. I had to take her to the toilet with me and pull down my knickers with the other hand. I would make instant porridge for breakfast and pour hot water into a mug. 50% of the time by the time I actually managed to eat my breakfast it was cold and almost lunch time. DD refused to nap during the day and also screamed when I put her in the sling so it was nearly impossible to get anything done. I had to take her out for a long drive every day to get her to nap. If I managed to eat one meal (e.g. porridge or a sandwich) plus load the dishwasher that was a good day.

Fast forward 2 years. I had an easy delivery with DS and wasn’t in pain after. Bf well and napped well. I could even put him down for 1 minute to go to the loo or put the kettle on. Looking after two children was much easier. However, I had to make meals for me and DD. Clean up, bf DS, change DS nappy, change DD nappy, deal with a poonami. I would also take them both out for some fresh air every day to the park, forest, playground, beach, etc. So although more housework was done it wasn’t loads of house work (but I could put a load of washing on, load dishwasher, quick tidy up, wipe kitchen, etc) as my priority was looking after a newborn and a two year old.

It literally was that for me when DH was away. My priorities were keeping DD fed (exclusive expressing is the best and worst of both worlds) and making sure I had enough sleep each 24 hours to take care of her, drive safely and maintain some sort of interaction with others. I had no local support for 75% of the week. I also had significant birth injuries and was on daily anti-clotting injections so needed energy to heal.

So no, dusting and hoovering weren’t even on my list of things to do. Had DH just been working a 9-5 it would all have been a doddle.

You could volunteer to take the child while she clears up as that gives you both time with the child so is fairer

but yes workload goes up with children and some days doing anything just isn’t possible

No one has mentioned anything about a deep clean.

OP has said she is not doing anything at all and that he’s got to clean up her mess and do all of the washing and cooking etc.

If the baby is more than a few days old, then there is no excuse for her to not wash the dishes or put a load of laundry on.

Single parents manage to do it.

I think you are unreasonable to expect that your partner does housework whilst on Mat Leave, although it’s ok to hope she might be able to get some basic jobs done sometimes.

I had relatively short Mat Leave with my children. I made it clear to DH from the outset that I was at home to look after the baby, and attend to all their needs. As they were both EBF and I did all their night feeds I was pretty tired during the day. I am not a catnapper so sleep during the day was not possible.

I did manage to do some general housework, but he was very much aware to regard this as a bonus on a good day rather than expect it as the norm.

I felt that I had to set boundaries as I didn’t want the majority of housework to somehow become my sole responsibility, as it would have been difficult to readdress the balance when I returned to work.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect her to do some housework during the day. She can’t expect you to work full time, do virtually all the housework and cook the meals whilst she only looks after a baby. Sure, she can’t be expected to have the house spotless and a 3 course meal every night, but she can do some basic tidying, do some of the laundry etc. And yes, some days she will get more done than others depending on how things are- but, generally, she ought not to expect you to do everything and work full time.

I don’t buy all the excuses that she cannot be expected to anything other than look after the baby. It’s nonsense- even with a fussy baby, you can do something most days- even if it’s just putting on the laundry. I had a colicky baby during lambing/calving season and I had to do most of it myself-especially overnight- out of necessity. I managed to do the basics, even if sometimes it was quite tiring.

I’m on mat leave (also have a 4yo), I pretty much always get the standard jobs done - tidy kitchen, hoover, laundry, cook dinner. I rarely get time to also do any extra jobs (like a deep clean). But my baby is fairly happy to entertain herself on her playmat for parts of the day, and my 4yo is quite good at entertaining himself. If she were a Velcro baby it would be much harder!

LOL. Tell me you've never given birth and cared for a small baby without telling me you've never done that.

Some of my days on mat leave I had to wait for my DH to come home so I could fucking SHOWER.

It's called maternity leave not fucking cleaning maid leave.

Presumably you want her to get down on her knees and give you a nice blow job/oral sex if you're also a woman?

I did NOT spend my mat leave cleaning and cooking. I spent it recovering from the most horrific 9 months of my life and caring for a reflux non-sleeping baby 24/7.

Go mop a floor.

This, babies vary massively, as does the mothers health post delivery, level of sleep deprivation etc.

DS slept relatively well, but fed constantly in the day, it was hard to get myself lunch some days between feeds, let alone do much else.

I also had blood pressure issues and the medication made me feel really ill. I tried to time the medication to reduce the amount of time I was alone with DS while it had it's worst effect, but that obviously meant DH had to do more at those times.

Fortunately DH & my parents had largely sorted out the house in the two weeks DS & I were in hospital so everything started off tidy.

How many times have you single -handedly looked after the baby ( all feeds/ night feeds/ cuddles/ nappy changes/ waking activities/ settling to sleep/ bath times/ reading) throughout a 24 hour period, while also recovering from major body transformations or surgery?

How many housework ‘bits’ did you get done at the same time?

Good for you. My first baby enjoyed being in her wrap, although I still struggled to do housework with her in the sling, as she was heavy and I had virtually zero core strength after pregnancy, so I found it exhausting carrying her around all day, especially anything that required bending or kneeling (loading the dishwasher, laundry, tidying the floor…) And my second screamed if I put her in the sling. She had to be held in a very particular position on my left hip, facing outwards. I could do most things in that position, but it was undoubtedly several times more tiring than doing them without a baby on my hip.

For all you know the baby is a difficult baby, the mother is getting hardly any sleep and could be recovering from a difficult child birth, perhaps she's struggling mentally also. You know none of these things but it doesn't matter does it?