AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

Oh just muck in and help, stop behaving like a spoiled brat. Yep, it's annoying when get home from work but it's not forever. Just be a team, that's what you're supposed to be, not having a pissing competition of who did what when you've a young baby.

What 'few bits' in addition to the child care bits below, would you like her to do?

Daily Baby Care Routine
Feeding: Breast or formula feed every 2-3 hours, or on demand.
Nappy: Change nappy frequently (often 10-12 times a day) to prevent nappy rash.
Tummy Time: Perform 2-3 short, supervised sessions daily to strengthen neck and shoulder muscles.
Skin-to-Skin/Cuddles: Promote bonding and calm a fussy baby.
Sleep/Naps: Offer naps in a cradle (dark, quiet room) with white noise to encourage a consistent sleep cycle.
Hygiene: Check baby’s skin, clean with warm water during changes, and apply barrier cream.
Sensory Play/Bonding: Sing nursery rhymes, read books, or use sensory materials like crinkly toys.

Daily Parental Tasks & Self-Care
Prepare Feeding Stations: Sterilise bottles and prepare formula, or ensure nursing pads/creams are ready.
Light Housework: Manage daily laundry (especially baby clothes/muslins) and quick cleaning.
Get Outside: Take a walk, even just for 15-20 minutes, for fresh air and Vitamin D.
Prioritize Rest: Utilize the "sleep when the baby sleeps" approach to manage fatigue.

Weekly/As-Needed Tasks
Bath Time: 2-3 times per week is sufficient to avoid drying out newborn skin.
Nail Care: Trim nails while sleeping as they grow rapidly.
Restock Supplies: Ensure nappies, wipes, and laundry detergent are fully stocked.

I actually have a different perspective on this. If OP's partner has a young/clingy/high needs/non napping baby, then they may well not have a huge amount of time to get on with household jobs. But, if that is the case and, especially if they are breastfeeding, then I'd suggest the priority when OP gets home from work is for OP to take over the childcaring - partly to give their partner a break, and partly to enable them to bond with the child. Then, partner can either get on with housework (a change being as good as a rest) or have a literal rest if they haven't had one all day.

You’ve put there that they should do light housework - laundry and cleaning.

OPs wife isn’t doing those things, that is the issue.

I don’t believe he’s expecting her to be on her hands and knees scrubbing but as you’ve said, she should be doing some housework.

But they are not "out of the house", and on wfh threads there is generally a consensus that the wfh person could manage quick jobs like wiping down surfaces, putting on a load of washing, loading or unloading the dishwasher etc. - at least some of the time.

(I don't necessarily agree with that consensus by the way as my wfh have generally been non stop, but if you are going to make "caring for baby" equivalent to a paid job, then you should use a true equivalence).

I don't understand why you are doing housework when you get home rather than spending time with your baby. If you do that your partner will be able to clear up things from the day then surely?

Yeah no.

Try looking after a baby full time for two weeks and come back and tell us how much cleaning you got done.

What housework should she be doing?

Some babies are complete time sponges and it's not possible to get stuff done. Other babies are easy.
Some people find this stage hard, others difficult.
Your partner is struggling. Rather than criticism, she needs your support.
You two won't always be in the trenches if looking after babies but she will remember always how you treat her now.

Don't know what your baby is like, but if very young then although it sleeps a lot your wife might still be in recovery.
Even a good baby will have days when you literally can't get a thing done.
But if she's planning on returning to work she's probably going to have to up her game, it'll just get harder.

Laundry and washing up are simple things and things that need to be done.

@Cljw What are your standards? I mean I have always done everything at home as a sahm but it's OK and far from perfect cleaning. My focus was my children and they were perfectly tended to. But I did laundry, cooking and some cleaning as well during the day if I had time.

A person at home with a baby has less time to herself than a person working full time and commuting?

Bizarre.

Is this related to the recent thread where the woman’s husband came home and ran his finger along high up surfaces looking for dust?

Agree with pp - be a team. No one here can say what she should or shouldn’t be doing as we don’t have all the details and each circumstance is unique.

If she is doing nothing at all that is definitely unreasonable and lazy. Unless the baby is only a few weeks old every woman should be capable of giving a room a quick tidy . To say otherwise makes us seem helpless and hopeless.
If she has two other toddlers cut the keeping a room tidy just hope they are fed!

It depends what you and she priorities.
When I was on maternity leave my husband and I prioritised baby's needs, then my wellbeing. If there was time left over then there might be time for some housework but that was the lowest priority and often got left.
Between the 2 of us, we did a basic clean and tidy at the end of the day.

I have no time for the judgement of someone who kept on top of everything because they weren't me with my baby. If my baby had a nap, so did I, I didn't hoover.

Have you ever spent a couple of days alone with the baby? Did you get much housework done on those days? How is your wife sleeping at night?

All babies are different. Personally I found it hard to get anything done when mine were babies, because they screamed if they were put down. Then I had about a month of respite where they started being able to enjoy their floor mat but couldn’t move, so I could let them play for a bit while I got things done. Then they began to get mobile and so I couldn’t leave them unattended for more than a few seconds, and housework got even harder then (for example, if I opened the toy chest to tidy things away, they’d shuffle over and start chucking things out. And I couldn’t do anything remotely hazardous). I found cooking to be ok with a baby on my hip, but tidying things off the floor was very physically hard due to the bending down (made harder by the fact my core strength was virtually destroyed by pregnancy and c-section). Then there were the days when you’re just absolutely exhausted. And the days where the baby seems to breastfeed non stop. And the days where it seems like as soon as you’ve fed baby, burped and changed nappy, it’s time to start all over again. Or you spend 20 minutes gathering up your stuff and getting dressed to leave the house, and a poonami happens, and by time you’ve finished cleaning it up, it’s time for another feed!

All this is to say, if your wife was a bit lazy before having a baby, then you knew what you were getting into. And if she wasn’t, then it’s EXTREMELY unlikely she’s suddenly turned lazy. If she tells you she hasn’t got time, and/or she’s to exhausted to do housework, then you should just believe her if you actually love her.

It doesn’t matter if other people on here managed to keep their houses spotless. Maybe their babies slept better. Maybe pregnancy and childbirth didn’t hit them as hard physically. Maybe their babies were more placid. Maybe they bottle fed, and therefore had 3 hours between feeds rather than the 45 minutes you get sometimes when breastfeeding. None of it matters. Don’t accuse your wife of being lazy or she’ll be end up divorcing you

Its hard. Harder than you could imagine. You work, she looks after the baby. When you finish work then what's left is for you both to share. Housework, cooking, cleaning. Take it in turns to look after the baby and each do your fair share of household tasks. A baby is a full time job.

Completely depends on the baby, and also the mum (to a degree) I remember someone saying to me “they say sleep when the baby sleeps but it’s not that simple is it?” For me it completely was 😂😂😂 we (me and DD) would both nap, her in a Moses basket and me on the sofa and I had no issue dropping off 💤. She was also a very easy baby though, slept through fairly early and rarely had times when she would just cry and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Suppose it depends on how much housework is getting missed too, if you’re running out of clean underwear maybe you should have a chat and figure out a plan for how you both keep on top of things.

In hindsight my ExHB was a bit of a prick though, so please don’t be that person. He never once did nighttime feeds or nappy changes, and I can remember sitting on the floor in DD’s room cradling her when she was teething when I’d got work the next morning, him sound asleep in the next room. When I went back to work part time he would come home on my days off and start stroppily rearranging her toys or the way I’d loaded the dishwasher, because he was mad at me for getting to stay home sometimes stressed.

A person at home with a baby has literally zero time to themselves.

It's awful how many have commented about what she should be doing without even caring to find out how old the baby is and without apparent concern for whether she's doing ok mentally or not.

OP you can you 'expect' all you like, but doesn't mean she has to do it just because you said so.

ETA: Sorry, didn't mean to quote that post but it won't let me delete.

It says light housework ref the baby really like babies laundry and cleaning- it's not talking about a deep clean or everyone else's laundry. Just making sure you and baby have clean clothes, making sure you're not sitting in an unhygienic hovel. We don't know what OP is suggesting as he hasn;t really said..

Depends on the baby. My first screamed every time he was put down and needed feeding what felt like continuously.
My second spent a huge amount of the day sleeping.

I would have had loads of time to myself when my second was a baby if she'd been my only child.

Many years ago, with my first baby, I kept a tidy house, cooked, all my chores were up to date and my baby was an awful one that never slept, day or night and breast fed every twenty minutes for weeks and weeks.

I was a wreck, I have never been as thin, looked hagged, was depressed, never ate, never slept, ran on adrenaline and coffee, and felt a failure. I couldn’t wait for maternity leave to end to go back to work from it all.

The second time around, I let it all go, I was a lot happier. I could not do it all and neither can she.

Why would the room be messy though if the child is a baby?