AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

I got the feeling the OP was American. They really did believe there was a thing called house working leave. It was late evening too when they posted.
Sometimes you can see the American threads/posts when parts of America has woken up. That and phrases/spellings used. But also sometimes a real lack of knowledge.
And perhaps was hoping the thread would be along the lines of agreement with him…..getting the little UK ladies in line…Mumsnet don’t forget is being sold to America soon.

How old is the baby??
I only tended to the babies needs for the first few months but that did included their washing, sterilising etc etc but after I had physically recovered from childbirth I would say I did 75% of everything as I did beforehand. When I went back to work it went back to 50/50.

'Keeps the baby alive'!

Dramatic much?

Wait, what? Sold to America?

It depends on your child. My first child was a very high maintenance baby and toddler, I could hardly get anything done, it was a very hard time and I needed a lot of support from my husband who worked at the time. My second baby is a dream in comparison, I can get stuff done at the house.

Well, yes. Not the lot but a significant stake. The founder is bailing out.

This is the question you choose to answer? Not any of the many about the state of the house after your day with the baby? No words. This isn’t sinking in. You have your selfish view and that isn’t going to change. Plus you post this instead of “How can I support my partner who gave birth to our baby for us?”. I’m actually pretty discussed by this. You need a huge attitude shift before you waste this woman’s life being married to you.

Second time around, I had PND and a very clingy unputdownable baby. I could barely get a shower when I was on my own with the baby, barely managing to eat etc. Housework was at the very bottom of my list of things to do today. YABVU so wind your neck in.

You must know your partner well, op. Do you consider her the sort of lazy, selfish person who would ignore her responsibilities all day to make your life harder? If not, maybe assume that caring for a newborn is actually extremely difficult and time consuming, and do what every decent partner does and expect to pitch in a bit more.

I will say, if you do half the night waking and half the childcare when you aren't at work, then it's fair to expect her to do some of the housework. Is that the situation you are in? You take the baby solo every other night and half of the evenings? Of course she's still recovering from the physical impact of giving birth and maybe breastfeeding, so I still wouldn't expect her to do half the housework.

Honestly you sound like the selfish one here.

How old is the baby?
How much sleep is your partner getting?
Is baby fussy?
Is baby happy to be put down?

It took me a while to recover so for the first couple of months I struggled with certain things. As bay got older they were happy to be on their mat for an hour I could tidy. But some days were hard, not much sleep, fussy baby. My husband would come home I’d still be in pjs and been lucky to make myself some food.

With my first I was either out walking trying to get them to nap or rocking them to nap or breastfeeding for hours then trapped under them for several more hours as they would generally only nap on me. He fed on and off all night and I rarely got 2 hours of sleep in a row, for months. I was absolutely exhausted and my priority was surviving the day. My DH would come home from work to no housework done, no food etc. I would hand over the baby and go nap before I had a breakdown. He didn't complain once

Try looking after the baby for a day after limited sleep and see how much you get done and you might appreciate more what she gets through in a day...

I think this is a reverse. If not, then please catch a grip OP!!

My house was spotless. But then, my mum
moved in for a year after dd was born

would you prefer that, OP?

I did nearly all of the housework until I went back to work with school age kids. My dh works long days and nobody looks after their baby every second of the day (does the baby not sleep, have a playmat, bouncer chair for her to tidy up, run the hoover round?). How does she hang the washing out or make meals?

I consider myself incredibly lucky I got to stay at home whilst my partner worked his socks off at work. I considered it my job to look after our children and the home (SAHM is most definately a job and I never stopped every day).

Sounds like there might be an adult baby in the house, as well as an actual baby

Agreed. I was hardly housewife extraordinaire but I was able to do the basics when I was on mat leave. Part of looking after a baby is making sure it has a clean and safe home environment to live in.

It depends on how old the baby is.

If they’ve only been home a few days then they’re still adjusting but after that then they absolutely should be doing housework.

It obviously won’t be the standard that it was before having the baby but yes things still need to get done.

And how much much housework do you get done when working?

Thought so.

You have a grown up conversation about who does what and when. Accept there will be some days that are harder than others and work together.

My DC is nearly 4 now and life is far easier. But if I could have my mat leave again, I 100% would not drive myself into the ground trying to clean the house during nap time for 2 reasons.

1. Not prioritising myself in those windows did not help my PPD recovery and I should have rested more.
2. Guess what, the house gets dirty again anyway. The pots need washing again. The clothes get milk and poop on them again.

How old is the baby? There's a difference between 2 months old and a nearly 1 year old. Is your wife doing all the night feeds? How much sleep is your wife actually getting? The line 'sleep when baby sleeps' is a great one if the baby actually sleeps! I was an exhausted zombie, with an exclusively breast fed son (who refused bottles) and didn't sleep much during the night or day for about 6 months. My husband worked full-time, couldn't help with night feeds anyway as I breast fed, so I did all the night feeds.

Your wife is looking after your child on her maternity leave. She may be struggling to manage the baby and chores all at the same time. Routine takes time to develop and sometimes it can be hard to find the time to eat or shower, let alone stick a load of laundry on! Yes, you might need to take up some of that slack at the moment. Ask her how she's feeling and how her day is going. You might find she feels overwhelmed and isn't coping..

All these comments about the woman being off to look after the baby. Yes thats part of it but you can still do jobs in the house. You dont look after your baby every minute of the day.
I like a neat and tidy house and if you keep on top of things it stays that way and makes your life easier.
I'd vac whilst the baby slept or jump in the shower. Its easier to stick the washer on at anytime. Personally I dont think its that difficult and he isnt asking too much. It doesn't have to be prestine but it can be tidy. For reference I had a perfect baby and then a nightmare baby so it certainly wasn't plain sailing. But my life didn't stop because I had babies

..when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

”voice my feelings” Start right there with your feelings of grievance. Have a think why you’ve come running to MN for validation, instead of talking it through and working something out. You’re wanting people to tell you you’re hard done by and in the right. That’s not teamwork and that’s not how a happy long term relationship works.

Put yourself in her place. What would she say?

This isn’t a zero sum game and you’re both tired.

YANBU. It’s very childish and petty to make a point of not throwing a wash on, washing up etc when you are physically in the house on mat leave.

There is time. You can wear a baby to have your hands free or pop them in a bouncer chair near you. Prioritising regular nap routines also frees up more than enough time for housework.

I took mine to groups, but not everyday. Housework, gardening and weekly food shop all easily ticked off, along with admin & DIY. Still did all this with my second as a newborn and my son aged 2 with us full time and potty training.

It’s all about systems, discipline, and quite frankly, not being lazy.

You’re brave 😂

Worth bearing in mind that maternity leave is how inequalities in relationships become embedded.

The mother does the bulk of the childcare and the housework and then, when she goes back to work, this situation continues unchanged because her partner has become used to a situation where all he has to do is go to work.