AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

Fantastic!

My primary school age children still wake at night. No spud peeling for me!

Ah, you're one of those lucky people, who found things got easier after the baby phase not harder.

Totally agree. Unfortunately in this day and age, people have been fed the idea that you can’t put the baby down or you’re a terrible Mum (which has been extremely detrimental to mental health). I loved the freedom of my babies napping, happy in the bouncer, jumperoo, playing on a playmat (which you can move around whilst you get things done).

Being confined to the sofa cuddling all day would have been extremely bad for me mentally as an active person. I got jobs done whilst my baby napped and never missed a day to get out for a walk. If the OP’s wife is unable to do the basics (im not talking Mrs Hinch level home!), she needs some urgent support and that would be ringing huge alarm bells that she is massively struggling.

YANBU. Single mums don't live in filth just because they have a baby.

Of course you should be helping each other, but to do no cleaning/tidying at all in all the hours is questionable.

Posting on here as a man will have you told, but if you suddenly said it's a same sex couple, you'd have different replies.

It really depends on the baby. Sometimes I found it hard to have a shower never mind do chores.

I went out and about too but I certainly wasn't cleaning fridges and mopping floors. The "basics" to me were just washing up after myself. Anything else was done when DH was home and spending time with our baby. Maternity leave was for spending time with my baby not housework.

If you are a single parent and the father has no input I think even more important to spend time with your baby rather than keeping your house immaculate.

No one is saying immaculate. Even the OP isn't saying immaculate.

The question is 'some' housework, relating to cleaning up after herself that day. Maybe sometimes putting a wash on, or starting dinner sometimes.

Not deep cleaning behind the fridge and scrubbing the skirting.

Not weird at all. The purpose of maternity leave is to look after and bond with with the baby, not to clean the house to hubby’s satisfaction. So many men expect their partners to be housewives during maternity leave and that’s not the point. At all.

Erm. Did you read the post i was responding to? The poster did say her house was immaculate actually. Someone else said that they cleaned the fridge and mopped floors. I just don't see why people need to do more than clear up after themselves as they go along e.g washing up.

You do realise that you can quickly clean and look after a baby at the same time right?

My kids both napped for a couple of hours in the morning and that was my chance to get things done. Every baby sleeps at some point in the day (im obviously not referring to Mum just getting out the hospital), but once you are settled into a routine with your days, you can do some housework (supported by partner at the weekends, after work etc). Big difference between supporting each other, working as a team and not touching anything all day.

What about the mental health of the partner working, running a home and who will also want some quality time with his baby?

I can only speak for my group of friends, but everyone has managed to do the basics whilst on maternity leave, attend groups, go for walks, meet for coffees (as everyone should). If you can do that, you can clean a bathroom (which is actually an essential job to stop germs spreading).

As I said, i’d be worried at someone telling me they can’t do the basics. That to me is a cry for help.

What do you mean by "look after" and what do you mean by "quick clean"? You said your house is immaculate which suggest you are doing more than a quick clean which can't leave much time to actually interact with them given you have two children and no partner.

Fair enough. I'm not a deep clean behind the fridge/immaculate kind of mum tbh!

Mine only slept for about an hour in the morning. Both partners should be running the home but that can be done in the evenings and weekends. I washed up after myself and didn't leave a mess but my maternity was for spending time with the baby.

Exactly what most other parents are doing. I don’t leave my baby to fend for itself, but by keeping on top of things and a final clean up at the end of the day it’s not hard to do

You should both be doing the housework, cooking ect not just you and you should be able to spend some time with the baby when you get home and at the weekend too. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not want to come home to a filthy house and it is more than possible to do some chores with a new born. Life can't just stop because you have a baby. That said don't expect the house to be immaculate, get take away sometimes ect - don't make life harder than it needs to be and it isn't something worth falling out over. If really nothing is done it maybe worth considering if she is struggling mentally or just exhausted. Talk to her.

You said your house was immaculate which suggests you are doing more cleaning than most parents with a baby and a toddler. My house certainly wasn't immaculate when my DC were that age.

Sorry, but afraid you are being unreasonable, or maybe fairer to say unrealistic. At this stage you will just have to accept that either some things won't get done, or if you need/want them done you will have to do them. Maternity leave can be about recovery and bonding as much as looking after the baby. It's not that looking after a baby is the hardest thing in the world - it really isn't - but that at that stage there are more important things than housework getting done.

SAHM or PT parent absolutely should be picking up more at home, but mat leave stage is different.

Its very difficult to get things done when you have a baby, especially if you have a baby that wont be put down. We had to get a cleaner when I was on maternity leave.

So you hovered over your baby every minute of the day even when they were 6 months old and happily stacking blocks, playing with jigsaws, cars, trains?

I enjoyed every second (hence stayed as a sahm for several years), however the house doesn’t clean itself. The toilets/sinks need cleaning, floors need hoovering/mopping, laundry needs sorting daily, surfaces need wiping etc. Babies need to learn independent play. I dont think any health professional would say its a good idea for a parent to never leave their child’s side to do abit of housework in the day. That’s not normal in anyway.

Her husband says its a mess. I've no idea why it would be.

I didn't hover. I played with them.

OK, fair. Perhaps during his working day he is using his lunch hour to food shop, or coming home to "help"?

So what about the other half of what I said: why did he think he would be doing less than normal?

How old is baby?