AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

Ok you played for 12 hours plus with your child every day.

I played with them as babies, took them out every day, went to groups, met friends, chatted to them all day. I was also able to clean a bathroom whilst they happily played independently nearby (a key life skill).

It’s no wonder so many mums struggle with mental health if anyone thinks you can’t do a few jobs and still be a brilliant Mum.

Then we get ridiculous threads on Mumsnet like ‘can my 4 year old go in their secure garden on their own’.

No I didn't play with them 12 hours a day. I also took them out, chatted to them etc etc. What i didn't do when i was on maternity leave was leave them to play by themselves so I could clean the fridge or mop floors. Not sure how my mental health would have been better if I had done that.

I was either sleeping when DD slept, or expressing milk, which I had to do every 3 hours day and night to establish and maintain my supply. That meant I had 3 hourly alarms on top of her night wakings so had to prioritise naps during the day and evening.

You think taking 10-20 minutes a day to clean basic things is ridiculous? You spent all day long with your baby doing what? Staring at them lying down, playing with the same toy over and over? Can’t babies spend some time alone doing tummy time while things get done? Not sure what the problem is. I personally couldn’t live in squalor just to play with my baby every minute of the day.

You can do stuff whilst expressing if needs be.

There will always be certain circumstances on Mumsnet and no one would ever be able to answer a thread if we thought of all the individual reasons someone might struggle.

I have pointed out in my replies that being unable to do even the basics does indicate that the Mum is struggling.

But generally, MOST mums (some exceptions), will be able to do housework on maternity leave.

What about maternity leave when you already have 2, 3, 4 other kids? You realise you still have to get them to school for 8.40 5 days a week, keep on top of all the uniform, clubs, homework aswell as housework/laundry and entertain them in the holidays and weekends.

Honestly i don’t understand people who can’t do basic things with a baby or even a toddler, I’ve got a v clingy 16 month old and I still find a way to cook/ clean at least the basics, it doesn’t take long and babies need to learn to play alone. I’d imagine though that some of these mums on here are finding time to watch Netflix all day but can’t simply empty a dishwasher.

I didn't live in squalor. I took 10 to 20 minutes at the weekend to clean basic things such as the bathroom just as I did when I went back to work.

so you did clean then? It’s just you said it was ridiculous to spend time cleaning instead of being with your baby.

Probably best to have a chat with your partner to see how well she’s coping. Then if you still feel she’s doing less than is reasonable, you can always say you want to do the baby care instead of the chores when you get in. She has already set the grounds for it being a full time job with no room to multi-task, and this would give variety whilst you are both contributing to the essential family tasks (the childcare, chores and the household finances). Also gives you more bonding time. I don’t think any couple should be keeping a spreadsheet on who’s doing their bit and the hard work of doing the baby in the night shouldn’t go unrecognised.

This stuff amazes me. All it takes is 20-30 minutes a day to tidy round and clean a room. Sticking a load of washing on takes literally minutes. Spend 10 minutes prepping a dinner you can stick in the oven or stir fry later. Yes there will be the odd day this is hard, but if it’s genuinely not doable a few times a week after the first few weeks then the parent is struggling.

Bouncy chairs and slings are your friend here.

If they are really struggling to do anything at all then hand the baby over to the other parent when they get back from work and get some stuff done. This isn’t about it being Mum’s job, it’s about the working parent getting some time with the baby.

Living in a clean home i.e food spills cleaned off the floor, clean bathrooms, not dusty, hoovered, clean clothes, bedding, towels, surfaces wiped down, dishes not piled up. All of those jobs are the absolute basic and need doing all week long.

If your child went straight into nursery after maternity leave, did you not feel independent play was highly important as they were going to become one of many children in a room? Mine loved looking through books, shape games, tons of other games and I loved to see them happily playing.

Independent play is something to be encouraged as part of a day filled with everything mentioned above.

My child had colic, screamed whenever they were awake, and didn’t sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time, for nearly 2 years. They had to be held constantly or would sob their poor heart out as were in so much pain. It took a long time for the doctors to figure out what was going on and get the right approach in place. They would vomit several times a night, necessitating bedding changes, as well as vomiting down me several times a day, and I had to do several loads of laundry a day. No, I didn’t really do any other housework during that time. Does that help to explain why some of us found it so hard?

I don't really get all the "babies need to learn how to play alone" so must be left while you clean the bathroom. It isn't a skill and they will be capable of playing by themselves when they are older regardless of whether you left them with their bricks when they were six months.

If it's so quick and easy then there's no harm in the OP doing it while she is on maternity leave and recovering from childbirth.

Would OP not have mentioned this in his original post if this was the case?

People can only reply based on info given - no extreme circumstances have been mentioned as far as ive seen.

I don’t think the OP is the one on mat leave?

No I didn't feel independent play was highly important when they were babies before going to nursery. I thought interacting with them was more important and that they would be able to play independently as they got older regardless.

So when you have 2 or 3 kids (juggling perhaps a baby, nursery runs and school runs whilst on maternity leave and running a home), you never leave a child to happily play on their own. Ok.

Kids enjoy playing by themselves as part of a day filled with lots of interaction aswell.

Sorry, By 'she' I meant the OPs partner.

We are talking about babies, not older children. Of course my children played on their own as they got older. Funnily enough they were quite capable of doing that despite the fact that I played with them when they were babies rather than leaving them to clean the bathroom.

I’d be more impressed if he had also given birth 4 days before and was severely sleep deprived

I cleaned at weekends when on maternity leave when the baby was asleep or with my husband. He also did some cleaning during that time.

Im talking about babies.

Example - Mum with 3 kids (baby, 3 year old, 5 year old). Two at nursery/school. You have hundreds of little jobs to do in the day besides any housework mentioned. Babies can happily play independently (mine loved it!) and the older children have some attention from the Mum too. Does the baby have to be glued to the Mum’s side 12 hours a day?

No parent of multiple kids will have not left a baby happily playing, in a bouncer, on a playmat or somewhere safe in the home whist they do all the things in the day you need to do for the older children (including getting them out the door early in the day). Older children need help brushing their teeth or wiping their bum, does the baby have to come to the bathroom for 2 minutes aswell or can they happily play with their toys?

Seriously 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry I see what you mean. You are absolutely right, but if the OP is at work all day, then doing chores all evening they won’t get any time with the baby. Also the OP shouldn’t have to do all the household stuff either, it should be shared.