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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you believe that as a grandparent, you should be responsible if your teenager had a baby but then refused to take care of it?

109 replies

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 08/05/2026 22:23

This is hypothetical, but I'm curious how others feel. Do you think as the baby's grandparent, you should step in? or do you think even as a grandparent you can say, I can't do this, it's not my making, and I'm not able to step in? Do you think there are so many variables it's not easy to give a blanket yes or no?

OP posts:
OtterlyAstounding · 09/05/2026 06:04

JemimaTiggywinkles · 09/05/2026 01:24

Grandparents should raise a child of their child if possible. But in some cases it would be better for the baby to be adopted at birth. I actually think family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) should step in to raise older children (who are unlikely to be adopted) unless doing so would cause exceptional hardship (eg kids sharing rooms is a pathetic excuse to let your niece / nephew go into care). I know this (looking after extended family) view is unusual on MN.

This is a bit silly. Not everyone is close to every member of their family, or to nieces/nephews.

I have a feckless BIL who we've been pretty much no contact with for over a decade, but who has had a habit of impregnating drug addicted, alcoholic women, whose children have frequently ended up in the care of their families either temporarily or permanently. If their families hadn't been able to take the children, I would've felt no obligation whatsoever to step up - and what, would we be expected to take in as many as eight children that we'd never even met before? Ridiculous!

As for OP's post, and grandparents - I don't think grandparents should be held responsible. Why would they be? I think many will want to raise the child and step up to do so, which is great, but that's not always possible - and it's not always for the best, either.

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 09/05/2026 06:28

I absolutely would not, and this is something that may be quite real possibility for us.

Son with severe mental health issues and neurodivergence who gravitates to girls with the same issues or worse. Raising him was truly hell on earth - I love him to death but I don’t know how I actually survived his childhood. He constantly makes poor choices even now, and takes no responsibility for his actions. He’s had all the help money can buy, and all the love and support in the world and it’s made no difference.

These conditions are genetic, the chances of him having a child without similar issues is slim to none. Even less likely if the mother has her own issues.

We are completely in agreement that no matter what, we will not play any part in helping to raise a future hypothetical child, beyond keeping in contact as grandparents. It’s not something I’m willing or able to do a second round of.

27TimesAway · 09/05/2026 06:32

I would step in, yes.

In a previous life i worked with children in care, and there were many wonderful committed foster parents. But if I were in that situation I would personally do my utmost to keep my grandchild with me. It simply wasn't possible for some, no matter how much they wanted to. But we are solvent, have time and space and it would be easier for us than many.

PersephoneParlormaid · 09/05/2026 06:35

I know of a family who had a troubled DD. They, retired age, took the first two but couldn’t take the last two so they were adopted. It broke their hearts but they just didn’t have the energy.

IsSheorIsntShe · 09/05/2026 06:39

kids sharing rooms is a pathetic excuse to let your niece / nephew go into care

Consideration for what it will do to your own child is not a "pathetic excuse".

Terfedout · 09/05/2026 06:48

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 09/05/2026 06:28

I absolutely would not, and this is something that may be quite real possibility for us.

Son with severe mental health issues and neurodivergence who gravitates to girls with the same issues or worse. Raising him was truly hell on earth - I love him to death but I don’t know how I actually survived his childhood. He constantly makes poor choices even now, and takes no responsibility for his actions. He’s had all the help money can buy, and all the love and support in the world and it’s made no difference.

These conditions are genetic, the chances of him having a child without similar issues is slim to none. Even less likely if the mother has her own issues.

We are completely in agreement that no matter what, we will not play any part in helping to raise a future hypothetical child, beyond keeping in contact as grandparents. It’s not something I’m willing or able to do a second round of.

I agree with you on this. My son has learning difficulties and I feel like I'll be caring for him forever. There is not a chance in hell that I would take another child on.

Thechaseison71 · 09/05/2026 06:50

Jk987 · 09/05/2026 00:56

It’s not about ‘should’ but you would surely have the instinct to scoop that child up and love it more than anything?

Why would you? After all it's not the grandparents child, as pointed out about 1000 times in the other thread about grandparents knowing their plave

Fraughtmum · 09/05/2026 07:19

This would, as usual, fall to grandmothers. Not grandfathers

asdbaybeeee · 09/05/2026 07:26

Only if you wanted to/had the health to manage. But ultimately it’s the parents responsibility to raise the baby. If they don’t want to and no family wants to then the baby would need to be adopted.

TeenToTwenties · 09/05/2026 07:27

I find on MN some people are far too quick to say other people should take on children not of their making just because they are related without considering the overall circumstances.

Pootles34 · 09/05/2026 07:44

I've put yabu purely because this is far too messy and emotionally complex for aibu. There is no 'should'.

Flatandhappy · 09/05/2026 07:52

Not a popular view but as someone who was adopted as a baby I think that letting a baby be adopted by a loving family is so much better than all the crap these days where SS will try to keep families together at all costs often missing the window of opportunity for a successful adoption. Nobody who has a choice wants to see a family member in the dysfunctional foster system, I could never let that happen to my kids’ kids, but if there was a scenario where a baby would be loved and cherished by people young enough to hopefully see that child grow up I could see that being in the best interests of the child. Lots of arguments against it of course but just my opinion.

PoppinjayPolly · 09/05/2026 07:53

Pootles34 · 09/05/2026 07:44

I've put yabu purely because this is far too messy and emotionally complex for aibu. There is no 'should'.

This, @Namechangerextraordinaire1 where are you coming from?
-gp whose child is asking this of you-
-dc who is expecting their parent to parent their child
dgc who feels abandoned for not being looked after by gp?

would the gp be expected to parent both child and the teen?
would they be expected to the grunt work and the teen parent was the fun one?

Everybodysinthehousetonight · 09/05/2026 07:55

Every situation is different but at my current age, health and financial status I would definitely take on a grandchild if needed.

Summerbay23 · 09/05/2026 07:56

Meadowfinch · 09/05/2026 02:15

It is unreasonable to think there is one blanket answer.

Teenagers have babies for many reasons - a desire for love that they were denied at home, carelessness, ignorance, or because they genuinely want a child and have matured early are just a few.

A grandparent should only step up if they have the energy, the resources and they genuinely want and love that child. What is best for the child comes first and being raised by a resentful grandparent would be miserable life.

Agree with this. Ultimately it’s what is best for the child. If it can be brought up well with love, energy, sufficient resources and support then staying within the extended family network would be perfect.

For many reasons this may not be possible though in which case it may be preferable to consider adoption to another loving family.

Emmz1510 · 09/05/2026 12:49

Overall no, grandparents are not responsible for their grandchildren. That’s the ‘technical’ right answer. But of course some grandparents might choose to be involved to one degree or another, and that’s great if it works for them and they can afford it, health is ok etc…. Other variables will come into play such as the age and capability of the parent, where they live, if it’s with you, if the grandparent is still legally responsible for the parent (in the case of a teen pregnancy for example), stuff like. But as a general rule no, grandparents can’t and shouldn’t be compelled to take on the responsibility.
I’ve made it perfectly clear to my pre teen that if she is stupid enough to become pregnant as a teen, I won’t be providing childcare as I work full time and have a mortgage to pay. Not sure if that’s the sort of scenario you are referring to. I have a good, open relationship with her and it’s my responsibility to educate her and, if necessary, to make sure she is on contraception if she’s sexually active. She is well aware there is literally no excuse apart from rape for unplanned pregnancy. Sorry/not sorry if that sounds harsh.

SlumChum · 09/05/2026 13:07

Should? No.
But I absolutely would. A loving familiar guardian is better than the foster care system. Even better if there are members of the family who are a bit younger and already parents who can step up. And, before we bring age and disability into it, kids are raised very well by disabled people all the time. Love is the key.

If anything happened to my cousin, I would take in her three children. If anything happened to my close friends, I would happily take in their two children. I have friends who have said they would happily raise my children in the worst case scenario. That's community.

TeenToTwenties · 09/05/2026 13:16

A relinquished baby could be placed as 'foster to adopt' pretty quickly. They wouldn't be in 'the foster system' for years.

A family with desire time and energy could be way better than grandparents already in late 50s or early 60s who would be nearing 80 (if not dead) by the time the child was an adult.

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 13:30

Jk987 · 09/05/2026 00:56

It’s not about ‘should’ but you would surely have the instinct to scoop that child up and love it more than anything?

oh good grief here we are in oojie woojie land again

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/05/2026 13:30

If my child had a child, that they were unable to care for, and wanted me to do so, then of course I would, BUT there are MANY reasons why this might not be the case for other people.
Eg
How the child was conceived
Who the other parent is
Financial status of all involved
Health status of all involved, including the baby
Mental health

KeepingItAnonForThisOne · 09/05/2026 13:35

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 08/05/2026 22:23

This is hypothetical, but I'm curious how others feel. Do you think as the baby's grandparent, you should step in? or do you think even as a grandparent you can say, I can't do this, it's not my making, and I'm not able to step in? Do you think there are so many variables it's not easy to give a blanket yes or no?

Is it likely the teenager had a baby so young due to being neglected by their parents? If so, I do feel it’s kind of the grandparents responsibility.

user2848502016 · 09/05/2026 13:39

It really depends on the situation. I don’t think I could bear to see my grandchild taken into care and DH and I would be able to step up - not exactly what we want but we would make it work somehow.
My grandparents basically raised one of my cousins and I think she had a much better life than she might have done if they hadn’t taken her in.
I understand some grandparents feeling like they just can’t do it though

SmallBlondeMum · 09/05/2026 13:42

I was a teen mum. I was 15 when ds was born. I left school in Yr10.

My mum made it very clear she wouldn't care for my baby.
She actually moved to the other side of the UK when ds was 11 months.

It was her choice but I wouldn't have done that to my dd.

Happyholidays78 · 09/05/2026 13:44

It's a really tricky situation. I'm close to 2 lady's who's teenage children have had children & they are hugely involved because quite frankly the grandchildren will end up in care if they aren't involved. It fills me with horror! Imagine just getting through the teenage stage with your kids, you think 'I'm almost there with this child rearing' & you're are starting again.

Bridgertonisbest · 09/05/2026 13:48

My youngest is almost 18, I’m 58. There is absolutely no way I could step in if they couldn’t or wouldn’t look after it. I still work full time and couldn’t afford not to. I’m physically not capable of being stretched any further without significant impact to my health. And having put my physical and mental health in the back burner for the last 25 years I’m not prepared to do it for any longer.