To ask if you believe that as a grandparent, you should be responsible if your teenager had a baby but then refused to take care of it?

[Namechangerextraordinaire1]

This is hypothetical, but I'm curious how others feel. Do you think as the baby's grandparent, you should step in? or do you think even as a grandparent you can say, I can't do this, it's not my making, and I'm not able to step in? Do you think there are so many variables it's not easy to give a blanket yes or no?

Dont be ridiculous.

Could you clarify the voting please?

It is complicated, I believe situation variables apply. Especially if the grandparent is unable to properly care for child whether due to disability, finances, etc. it would be a difficult situation to be in and I have sympathy for people who deal with this.

I know a few people who are raising their grandchildren, in these situations the young parents were too immature or using drugs, couldn’t maintain employment, and one of the children had a pretty intense autism diagnosis and the teen parents couldn’t handle those high needs so the grandparents stepped in

As it's hypothetical and there are so many variables, and you haven't said what your own opinion is, I have no idea how to vote.

It’s not about ‘should’ but you would surely have the instinct to scoop that child up and love it more than anything?

I couldn’t vote on this. If in the very unlikely event my teen had a baby, then yes I would feel a responsibility and a want to take care of them.

But a grandparent might have a disability, they might be mentally unwell, they might have small children themselves.

It’s something that would need to be accessed on a case by case basis.

how about right of first refusal, which i think SS do anyway.
not all women are physically and mentally able to take on child rearing a second time around. some issues that may have led to a teen pregnancy might indeed be related to family dynamics.
so although it's nice and more family centric it simply may not be the best long term solution for a newborn.
i have a close neighbor who took on the grandchildren m-f with the father's parents (yes grandparents equally same age) taking the children in this case s-s.
all set up by the courts and SS.

Grandparents should raise a child of their child if possible. But in some cases it would be better for the baby to be adopted at birth. I actually think family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) should step in to raise older children (who are unlikely to be adopted) unless doing so would cause exceptional hardship (eg kids sharing rooms is a pathetic excuse to let your niece / nephew go into care). I know this (looking after extended family) view is unusual on MN.

It's not clear which vote means what.

This is what I think.

Essentially, yes, it is the responsibility of family to to step up. Who else would be respondibl

Now if that isn't possible, safe, whatever, than other arrangements will have to be made. There would still be a duty of love and care however.

It is unreasonable to think there is one blanket answer.

Teenagers have babies for many reasons - a desire for love that they were denied at home, carelessness, ignorance, or because they genuinely want a child and have matured early are just a few.

A grandparent should only step up if they have the energy, the resources and they genuinely want and love that child. What is best for the child comes first and being raised by a resentful grandparent would be miserable life.

Yes that's what I would have done, at great personal cost. I don't know about 'should' though or how anyone could be compelled to do it if they didn't want to.

So a grandparent could be in their 30s with full time jobs and bills to pay to keep everyone fed and housed so sure love sounds all good in fairy land but in the real world if teenagers are old enough to have unprotected sex, no contraception does not fail as much as people try and make out especially with multiple forms used, they are old enough to take responsibility

Of course they are old enough, but what if they don't? You can't force them to be responsible, even if they are old enough..

In that case if it comes down to the child being taken into care vs the grandparents.

Personally, I would hope (and I think this is very much the case already) that most grandparents, unless they are disabled or have another mitigating factor, would rather look after a family member than let them go into care.

Should they have to? No.. but will they? I think most will, not because of fairness but because most of us have empathy/compassion, especially towards our family. Not for the teenager, but for the baby.

If this scenario my teen has to get pregnant, decide to become a parent instead of terminating the pregnancy, and then doesn’t meet her obligations?

I would have failed as a parent in so many ways that I would be doubting my ability to raise another child. I still would be extremely hesitant to let a grandchild enter the care system.

I don’t pass judgement on anyone else. However, I would always want to keep children in the family. I would never ever want a child to end up in care. That also translates for nieces and nephews (including in-law).

But it’s probably easier for me to imagine probably because I had my children quite young, and so may be a younger grandparent. If you were 70+ then the challenges are different.

If my dd was in that situation I would do anything to support her and to ensure that it didn’t ruin her chances of fulfilling her potential.

I had my first son at 16. He is 33 this Autumn. My mum was very against me continuing with the pregnancy when I told her at 9wks. However, she soon became a doting grandmother. She was only 39 when he was born, and my dad 46. Yes absolutely they’d have taken him on it I’d have said I couldn’t look after him.

My DD (my youngest) is 18. I’ve been parenting for 33yrs now, and yesterday finally finished the school run (bar exams) after 29yrs. Would I want to start again with a grandchild? No, but would I see my grandchild go into care, also no. My brother and his 2nd wife had a late in life child and i’ve often thought if anything ever happened to them, it would probably be me who would have to take him in, as my mother couldn’t cope. Would I want to? Absolutely not, but i’d never see a close family member go into the care system, I just couldn’t live with myself.

Thankfully right now DD is not interested in boys, and is a home bod. I think my first grandchild will come from DS2 and his lovely gf, but I hope not for 5yrs or so!

That instinct presumably applies to their child, the teen parent though, and it may not be possible to care for both. If a teen has a baby and can't care for it they likely have other issues going on. Often issues that said grandparent has been supporting them with throughout their childhood/teens and is their only real support network and advocate. If they take on care of the grandchild they would likely have to step back from the teen.

I think most of the time the grandparent should step in. I certainly would.

What do you mean? Are baby's needs being neglected?

I don't think they are obliged to, though I imagine the vast majority of grandmothers would and far fewer grandfathers.

Thank goodness I haven’t had to face this, But if ds had got his girlfriend pregnant and they were not able to look after the child, then yes I would 100% take it on rather than it going into care. It happened twice in my family with 16 year old boys becoming fathers. In one case the grandparents certainly took on the full role for the full upbringing, the other one less so as the mother was able to grow into the child’s needs. I would have been horrified though, and like a pp would have doubted my own parenting.

Too many variables.

i am very severely disabled and can’t take care of myself much less a baby.

Well, no, it’s not your responsibility, no. But if my child had a baby as a teenager and was unable to care for that baby, I’d find it very difficult to just turn my back and walk away. I would want to give that baby a good life. That said, health wise, I’m not sure I physically could - I may not live to see my own kids reach 18. But all other things being well, I wouldn’t want that baby going into care. That doesn’t mean it’s my responsibility, but it doesn’t have to be your responsibility to be the right thing to do.