Baby given chocolate!

[areandare]

I would like honest feedback / opinions on this please as I don’t know if I’m overreacting and am happy to be told that I am.

My baby is 9 months old. He started weaning at 6 months and I have taken it quite seriously to do it as best as I can. Weaning books, trying home made recipes, introducing veggies before fruits, etc.

My partners parents like to have him once a week for a couple of hours to spend time with him and to prepare for when I return to work as they will be minding him for one day. Last week when I picked him up, MIL smugly told me “he had some chocolate today”. I was a bit taken back as I thought she was joking.

It turns out that she had broken up chocolate in to little pieces and given it to him. He has never had chocolate before , he was gifted a few Easter eggs and we still hadn’t given any to him.

I have a few issues with this.

1. The chocolate could be a choking hazard, everything that I have read says to melt it
2. She knows how I feel about giving him chocolate, and she didn’t even ask she just took it upon herself to give him it
3. This one sounds petty - but I would have liked to have been the one to give him his first taste of chocolate when I felt ready 😔

What do others think? Should I say anything or just leave it? I might be overreacting but I feel quite hurt by it. I feel quite strongly about a 9 month old not needing chocolate right now (no disrespect to those who give it) but he’s so happy with yogurt, fruit, etc so really doesn’t need chocolate as a treat yet.

Based on all the evidence we currently have, it is not ideal. But well done to you :)

It’s not fine to have her doing that day of childcare if she doesn’t respect your boundaries/rules/routines though, to the point where it clearly upsets or annoys you. You’ve mentioned previous issues with naps and screen time also. I’d be worried all the little issues and frustrations will build up and you’ll end up falling out with her! And the fact she pushed past your “no thanks” with regard to childcare until you “gave in” isn’t a great dynamic to have either!

btw I know the chocolate itself wasn’t the issue, I didn’t even refer to that in my post!

OP I think you’re being a bit of a pushover. Screen time and chocolate for a 9 month old is not normal. She needs to be told to stop

With more information, I can see that the main issue is about MIL generally not following your rules. While I think the chocolate issue is neither here nor there, the screen time and nap issues are really significant. The obvious solution is to pay for an extra day's childcare, but that risks you offending MIL and having to live with awkwardness in the wider family. That being the case, your DH is key to unlocking this by having a conversation with her along the lines of 'We really want you to spend time with DGS while he is young, but we will have to agree that you do certain things our way. For example, he must have a nap because if he doesn't he's difficult in the evening and we have to deal with it. He's too young to be looking at a tablet. The research is clear: it's harmful. We asked you not to give him sugar but you gave him chocolate. We know that you wanted to give him a treat but it doesn't work if you do something we expressly asked you not to do.' Being optimistic, one difficult conversation could clear the way to years of harmonious family relations.

My mum had great struggles with her MIL imposing her view on how things should be done, most notably having a baby bath delivered to our house because she didn't think my mum should be bathing me in the grown-up bath. But mum also recognised that I loved my time with her, and that that was more important in the end than the struggle between the two of them.

Typo

No of course it doesn't make you sound ungrateful, it makes you sound controlled.

If you think the baby would be better off in paid childcare you should put him in paid childcare. Who cares for him should be decided by what is in his best interests - in your judgement as his parents - not a reward for MIL throwing a temper tantrum.

Anyone can have a difficult day and end up with an overtired baby but if she is repeatedly and deliberately not giving him his naps, against your wishes and explicit request, that is just not looking after him properly. If she is already ignoring you with food and naps what else will there be?

MIL is a cunt.

MN never ceases to amaze me.

Why would you give a 9mo, child who is relatively new to weaning, chocolate? It's totally unnecessary. This is aside from the fact MIL was specifically asked not to give chocolate.

It's common sense that babies are weaned with savoury vegetables and salad first to develop a savoury palate before fruits are introduced. Chocolate is not something a young child needs.

I wouldn't want someone I can't trust looking after my child and for me this would cross a line.

Seems MIL isn't listening or respecting her own son as well as the OP.

I wouldn't want to cause and all out family war but I'd be telling MIL that if she pulls this shit again then childcare is off the table (or else I'd not mention it but in a few weeks time say you decided that FT nursery feels more consistent and less disruptive so you won't be needing them for weekly childcare!)

The issue with telling her she's on her last chance is that she'll do this kind of stuff without you knowing!!

I wouldn't want to cause and all out family war but I'd be telling MIL that if she pulls this shit again then childcare is off the table (or else I'd not mention it but in a few weeks time say you decided that FT nursery feels more consistent and else disruptive so you won't be needing them for weekly childcare!)

I expect if the OP told the person providing childcare free of charge that it's 'off the table' then the biggest loser would ultimately be her.

OP, in my experience, free childcare from Grandparents comes on its own terms. Up to you whether you are comfortable with that or would prefer to pay instead.

Personally, I wouldn't be getting worked up about a bit of chocolate (but then my eldest is 12 and I'm way past all that). I would be seeking to put some limits on it rather than having a meltdown.

Chose your hills @areandare. In my opinion, this isn't it. A little taste of chocolate is vastly different to melting a mars bar into his milk.

You seem very fixated on your rules and others doing exactly as you say. I hope you are looking forward to the teenage years.

The mother of my closest friend had three children, all with uite different approaches to parenting. When grandchildren started to arrive, she told me that when she looked after them, she talked to the parents, asked them how they wanted things done, and did them that way. If all grandparents did that, life would be simpler all round.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

She is showing massive disrespect towards you. My MIL did the same type of thing. Anything I asked her not to do, she would do. She also told me that I was good to let her to look after my baby because ‘you don’t know the way I do things’.

I’m not sure if it’s a power play & they don’t want to be told what they can and can’t do, or they think they know better. Either way, you have specifically said you don’t want your baby to have chocolate and she’s completely ignored you and done what she wants. It’s disrespectful and shows she does not give a shit about what you want.

I would speak with her or message her nicely and say you’d specifically said how you feel about your baby not having chocolate & you’re upset that she didn’t listen etc. I would try and nip this in the bud now. I didn’t nip it in the bud and I spent years detesting my MIL.

I also understand what you mean about wanting to do all of the ‘firsts’ with her x

1. i have never read to melt chocolate for babies.
2. that’s not ok, because you don’t want him to have it and she ignored your wishes.
3. i can’t wrap my head around why giving chocolate to a child would be akin to their first steps. The ‘first’ thing has gone batshit.

Oh, also @areandare as a soon to be grandma, whilst I wouldn't give a 9 month old baby chocolate, and didn't give it to mine 30 years ago, if I did, I wouldn't have told you.

I think the key facts to consuder are whether he's safe and loved when there. A tiny amount of chocolate is really inconsequential.

Think it is ridiculous to give a baby chocolate or any other sugary treat. Totally agree with you! Don’t listen to above pp’s and think you are crazy. Would politely request for them not to give treats again until baby is older and hope they respect your wishes. Any reasonable person would be fine with such a request without making a big drama about it.

hadn’t read any of your updates before my first comment. Just seen she was letting him rot in front of a screen all day. Would totally put him in childcare instead and have none of these issues.

If you read all the OP's updates you'll dee they can afford nursery, are happy for nursery but the in-laws have insisted they want to do one day a week childcare!!

Speaking as a grandma… it’s really not on to do something you know the parents don’t want you to do. Especially something so reasonable.
Speaking as a mother I’d be worried about what else they’d do that I didn’t want.

I literally posted what OP said. OP has posted several times that her MIL knew.

I actually have weaned three children. One on purées and two baby-led. Didn’t give them chocolate as babies and wasn’t advised to either. Was actually told to limit salt and sugars due to their teeth. Just as some said theirs were perfectly fine having chocolate at that age, mine were absolutely fine not having it til they were older.

I’m all for grandparents spoiling their grandchildren, I do with my little grandson. But I would never go against something that the parents had explicitly said they would not want their child to have. I had my own children and brought them up as I wanted. Now it’s the next generation to do and to be afforded the respect for their wishes as to how to bring up their children.

id be upset too, just as much as if I’d done something my DIL was unhappy about.

UANBU to be upset they went against your wishes. At the end of the day it was only chocolate but that’s not the point is it?

A selfish, arrogant idiot who proudly feeds chocolate to a 9 month old is only going to get worse.

Book the extra day at nursery NOW.

No more unsupervised visits for the foreseeable future. You can't trust them.

Exactly, it’s nothing to do with chocolate
Ultimately she has broken your trust- because she is the GP she feels entitled. The heart of it is that her entitlement trumps her desire to win your trust.
She will then push her GP role in either bewilderment ‘I don’t know what I’ve done wrong’
or belligerence ‘ Well I’m the GP I have every right to give infant GC a piece of chocolate’
Then wailing or moaning to her DS ‘I can’t do anything right’
None of these responses are focused on building a relationship with you based on trust and mutual respect. A great deal of entitlement very little accountability.
The mother gives the instruction because she cares about the baby, the GP ignores the instruction because she cares about herself- either she thinks she knows better or she just wants to get away with something she has been asked specifically not to do.
That is the heart of why it feels so exhausting.

Chocolate melts in the mouth. Your baby is fine. You are being way too overprotective

So does ice but it's a huge choking risk

She’s decided that she’s looking after your DC and she’s decided that he can eat chocolate.

Your wish for him to go to nursery and your wish for him not to be given chocolate yet have been thoroughly ignored.

You have no say OP. She’ll do as she pleases. I predict a massive argument between you all in the future if this continues. Best to nip this in the bud now before someone blows a gasket!

Thank you all who have left helpful comments and have actually read all of my posts🥰

To those who have not - me and my MIL actually have a lovely relationship and she always says how lucky she is to have me as a DIL (to the person who said they’re glad they don’t have a DIL like me) your all acting as if I have kicked up a massive fuss which I haven’t! I have no rules and don’t send him there dictating what he can and can’t do in their care, I have simply said we are not giving our 9 month old baby chocolate yet which is a VERY reasonable ‘rule’, which she has decided to go ahead and give anyway. This would not be a problem when he’s a little older and he’s eating chocolate, but for now he’s not.

Apologies I thought chocolate would be a choking hazard as it’s very hard , she decided to give him bourneville chocolate out of all of the options in suprised he liked it 😂

Also yes I would have liked to have been the first one to give him chocolate as he is my baby, but that isn’t the main issue here and I wouldn’t kick up a fuss over that. The problem is the entitlement and smugly telling me about it knowing that we didn’t want him having it.

I must say I feel sorry for the children / children in laws of a lot of you who have replied here because it’s pretty obvious that you are going to be the kind of grandparents who will overstep boundaries and go against their wishes 😆 If I was caring for somebodies baby and they told me something simple like “we do not give them fizzy drinks” there is no way I would go ahead and give it anyway, it’s really not hard, it’s really not an issue. I think the fact someone would kick up a fuss and insist on giving it anyway is very odd behaviour.