Baby given chocolate!

[areandare]

I would like honest feedback / opinions on this please as I don’t know if I’m overreacting and am happy to be told that I am.

My baby is 9 months old. He started weaning at 6 months and I have taken it quite seriously to do it as best as I can. Weaning books, trying home made recipes, introducing veggies before fruits, etc.

My partners parents like to have him once a week for a couple of hours to spend time with him and to prepare for when I return to work as they will be minding him for one day. Last week when I picked him up, MIL smugly told me “he had some chocolate today”. I was a bit taken back as I thought she was joking.

It turns out that she had broken up chocolate in to little pieces and given it to him. He has never had chocolate before , he was gifted a few Easter eggs and we still hadn’t given any to him.

I have a few issues with this.

1. The chocolate could be a choking hazard, everything that I have read says to melt it
2. She knows how I feel about giving him chocolate, and she didn’t even ask she just took it upon herself to give him it
3. This one sounds petty - but I would have liked to have been the one to give him his first taste of chocolate when I felt ready 😔

What do others think? Should I say anything or just leave it? I might be overreacting but I feel quite hurt by it. I feel quite strongly about a 9 month old not needing chocolate right now (no disrespect to those who give it) but he’s so happy with yogurt, fruit, etc so really doesn’t need chocolate as a treat yet.

@Tontostitisthat did make me laugh 😆 I totally get that, and I would have absolutely no problem in him having treats when he’s there when he’s a little older, I just wanted to hold off giving him chocolate and sweet treats for now as he’s so young. The chocolate isn’t the big deal it’s the point blank going against what we have said.

I don’t have any ‘rules’ for him and am very laid back about him going there, so many times she hasn’t given him a nap etc and he’s come back in a foul mood but I don’t say anything. This is the only thing that we’ve made clear now that he’s eating and she’s just done what she wants!

@AngelicInnocentthank you, you sound like a great mother / MIL 🥰 my parents are very much like you “he’s your baby and whatever you say goes” even if they may not agree.

I really don’t think it’s a big deal either, he’s enjoying his food so far and loves fruit etc so we have decided to hold off on giving him chocolate and cake etc. We never made an issue of it just said that we had decided to not give him anything like that until he’s a bit older, to which she has ignored!

When his first birthday comes along I have no doubt that I’ll give him a little treat, but I don’t really want it becoming a regular thing at this age when he knows no different

She will be giving him chocolate every week at her house

Ah OP, this is your first baby and I can see you are trying really hard to do a good job in raising your son and in doing things as right as you can.

The truth is though, he will be fine, that bit of chocolate will have no impact on his life.

I have photographs of my 3 children eating food at a similar age on facebook, which clearly demonstrates my drop in standards. When you look at what they are eating, the oldest has salmon and array of veggies. The middle has pizza (albeit homemade) and the youngest is eating chips on chip shop paper! Disclaimer - my children have home cooked food 90% of the time

These worries about doing the right thing continue through different stages. Mine are now teenagers and I worry about them going out, getting drunk and hoping Ive instilled enough into them that will make them avoid ketamine.

Also, I have such lovely fond memories of going to my grannys and having loads of chocolate (she used to give us far too much!). She adored us and conpletely spoiled me, I go back to those memories often. You have a lucky boy to have a grandmother who adores him.

Exactly the same with my parents. My mum
objected to nursery so she has had both my children one day a week consecutively.

Whilst I would pay if needed, she would never want that so it is free childcare at her insistence, and also every time the children are sick and we need to work.

Ultimately she’s doing me a massive favour and whilst I object to screen time and sugar, she does a lot so I only raise things that are actual issues (eg I object to the amount of screen time and chocolate rather than none at all, focusing on the points that it’s bad for them because XYZ rather than just it being a case of how we want to do things, if that makes sense). But things like nap time, eating food rather than being fed, etc are things that I’ve just accepted as a trade off.

Grandparents want to be the fun grandparents who spoil their children, and as they get older it’s great seeing the bond they have, but that’s why I say pick your battles to what really matters.

And then OP will be able to limit the rest of the week so really, one day a week isn’t too much.

Totally agree with you OP. You wouldn't think you had to specify not to give a 10mo chocolate (I still did when I started leaving mine for little bits of time at 11mo) but you did say and she's shown you she's going to ignore anything she doesn't agree with.

Your question wasn't are you being unreasonable not to want a weaning baby to have sugar, but about the fact you specifically told MIL you weren't introducing that yet and she did it anyway. I wouldn't rely on her for childcare if that's the dynamic.

And first taste of sugar at all is a milestone that OP's allowed to look forward to. That's why sugary cake on a first birthday is a thing. It's not the same as every single food being a milestone - and anyway OP had specifically said they weren't doing sugar yet.

Caveat - obviously baby was safe. But is that really the only bar? GPs asked to do this childcare/ alone time with GC and are acting the opposite of a team with the parents. Totally bizarre and I'm so glad my family isn't like this!

OP I think a lot of posters on here may either have entitled kids who've demanded childcare from them or don't care about their babies' diets themselves but it's not what you asked. Very normal not to introduce sugar before a year old AND you even said!

My dad gave my ds chocolate cake. He was 4 months old but he was 8 weeks prem so actually only 2 months. I rang the HV and she laughed and said he'd survive -he did,he's an adult now 😂

And this puts the parents in the role of fun police rather than being able to offer treats themselves.

OP is happy to pay for childcare. I’d do that.

Why should the grandparents get to just ignore any rules or boundaries?

My Ds first taste of food was chocolate. He belly crawled over and took a huge bite out of my Magnum. He is a terrible eater now (age 7) but so is his sister who had all the ideal sequence of puréed carrot etc….

I suspect there are a lot of chocolate-giving grandmothers posting on this thread… 🥸

Fundamentally, giving a baby chocolate (like your point 3) is for the adult to enjoy sharing something lovely and fun with the baby. It was for her best interest, not her grandchild’s.

I am with you OP. I would be furious! Your baby is 9 months! That is still very young! I’d get your partner to speak to her and also give a list of foods baby really likes that can serve as treats (strawberries etc).

The “fun police” for not giving children sugary treats for the other 6 days of the week? What nonsense.

You can still give your child the odd cake and ice cream. Hardly makes you the fun police to not raise your children on too much sugar.

If I was your mil I would have said ‘oh perhaps it’s best I don’t have him then, no way would I be offering free childcare if you were that neurotic.
I don’t think you can expect free childcare but have them walking on egg shells.
Can they ask their son instead what’s acceptable in his view and go by that?
I have a 19 month old little boy so I understand you want the best for him but would you rather he had a piece of chocolate or went on to marry someone so highly strung who got upset over such silly things?

Looking after a baby without its parents is ... childcare.

If you think chocolate should be melted, are you still pureeing everything? A piece of carrot is far more likely to be choked on than chocolate.

Dd1 had her first piece of chocolate ( a quarter of a chocolate button) after she'd had her mmr at 13 months.
Dd2's first solid food she didn't totally refuse was a chocolate button, given by kind sister at 8 months. Her second food was a lick of ice cream. After that she thought she might eat some foods.
Ds first had a packet of chocolate buttons at 8 months when I was watching the girls perform. It kept him quiet.

Ds is the best eater of the three and has always been totally unbothered by sweet things. At 9 months he chose a carrot to eat over chocolate and, at 18yo, he probably still would.

In later years you'll laugh at yourself and it'll be an amusing tale to tell her.

Not when you’ve insisted on it as fun time.

You shouldn’t be expected to be grateful for something you don’t need or want…

Parenting has changed. 🤣

It is no wonder we have a generation of overindulgent teenagers.

I’m in the “respect the mum’s rules” camp. I have a 4 yr old, 16 month and 8 month old in my house for various child minding sessions.

I have strong memories of my own MIL completely ignoring my wishes about sugar, screens and nap time. Everything came from a place of love though. She knew that was kept the children happy. She only got them once a week though!!

So now I totally go by parent rules. How can my daughters and niece go to work happily if they are constantly thinking I might be undermining them. It helps that I do agree with parents.

Can DH have a quiet word in his mum’s ear. He needs to be telling his mum that he supports the boundaries and that if they are broken then he needs to agree that they might have to consider using paid care.

Beware that no childcare provider will love your son as much as the grandparents and want only the best for him. I would trust the loving grandparents over paid childcare any day.

When my (now 16-year-old) daughter was born I was like you trying to only wean by the book and be as healthy as possible, but my in-laws (and my ex-husband) would give her bits of cake and all kinds of stuff while I was at work - she was even younger than your son. At the time, I was super upset about it - now I know it didn't matter whatsoever. She's now a very healthy, sporty 16-year-old dreaming of a career as a professional athlete who doesn't like eating junk food and has no allergies whatsoever. So having had a bit of cake 🍰 or chocolate 🍫 or ice cream 🍦 as a baby certainly didn't do any lasting harm.

I like this response. 😂

I would be annoyed that they disrespected my wishes and say that I’m trying to avoid refined sugar/ whatever it is.

When my parents are feeding my son his 3rd digestive of the morning I just think “well, he’s in your care and you will deal with the sugar high fall out”.

FWIW I made all my own baby food and took weaning very seriously, my son is now a beige-food loving toddler who thinks vegetables were sent to earth by the devil. We can try.

If any grandparents had given us free childcare, even a day.. then I wouldn't have given a shit if they had given them a whole Aero.
Honestly, pick your battles.
My DHs friends wife only allowed water for their kids, homecooked only, no sugar, private schools, homrwork religiously etc..she was very neurotic about the whole food things until they got old enough to go out and buy their oen food.. they are now late teens early 20s.... and all very unhealthy and not doing much with their lives as they rebelled hugely and moved out quickly.
I also know super healthy sporty teens whoes parents were very relaxed,
I get that you are worried abouy these things, baby is young, theres all the stuff about sugar and processed foods etc, but you really have to mix it up a bit. Being too strict and too rigid about things will send you crazy and your child will end up rebelling.
Just chill out a bit about these things, chocolate isnt going to harm your child. Neither will eating the odd takaway, drinking a sip of coke, eating a biscuit, scoffing an icecream, having a processed chicken nugget at a party.
Obviosuly, at 9 months they won't be doing all these things but the time will come round soon enough that the oportunity will arise and you will be faced with the fact that they might eat or drink something unhealthy.
Its about habits and choices long term, not the odd bit of chocolate or cake.

Your partner should sit down with them qnd tell them it's not about the actual chocolate but the fact they went against your wishes which you both find disrespectful. Personally I'd look at alternative childcare, not as a punishment but because the trust is not there and you'll always be worrying and boiling away. They can come and visit instead

I think you should rethink the childcare. The in laws have insisted they see your baby once a week when you don’t really care about this, they have insisted on providing childcare when you don’t want this and they have given your baby chocolate when you said not to. They clearly don’t respect your wishes and this will only get worse the more they have your child. Don’t even start with this childcare arrangement, it will be harder and more dramatic to end it once it’s started.

This is exactly it. Everyone saying “it’s just chocolate” doesn’t seem to get there is a rule in place- you just follow it.

Nothing annoys me more than when you have a rule and people want to know why - not so they can be more informed, but they can judge whether they think its worth following or not.