To think that this person was house angel etc ..

[onlyaparatraik]

Just wondering what you think and need your opinion please.
A woman I know very well is soft, loving and kind a home to her husband and family.
she runs the home super efficiently, is a full time SAHM to adults and basically manages her husbands clothes, meals, past times and social life.
Gos friends don’t like her. They accuse her of being controlling, bossy towards him and largely opinionated.
He says she is entirely different at home albeit with a secret alcohol addiction . Secret to outside the family. Relationships were th husband and children are breaking down.
is this the very typical house angel scenario?
I need objectivity please as I’m too close to the family.
just your thoughts please

Gos is typo for his

An alcoholic is not a soft angel at home - and if she’s a bitch to him out of the home that is still bad behaviour. A SAHM to adults is called a housewife and an alcoholic housewife who his friends hate is probably a crappy partner.

I have not posted to ask for your thoughts on whether this is my business or not. I know exactly what’s going on.

Also if she’s an alcoholic she clearly isn’t and hasn’t been happy in her role as ‘house angel’ where she checks notes washes his clothes, cooks his meals, books his hobbies and drinks

So what do you actually want then?

This.

Thank you to those responders who have not been deliberately obtuse I don’t think anyone has been deliberately obtuse. Your writing style just isn’t the easiest to understand.

And I don’t think you can help. She sounds like quite a dominant character and doesn’t sound like she feels any help is necessary. She’s living her life exactly how she wants to. If you want to help her DH and adult children, all you can really do is tell them that her behaviour isn’t normal, it isn’t healthy and you’ll support them in distancing themselves from her. They have to make that decision for themselves.

Never heard this wacky term before.

But as a recovering alcoholic, I will say that oftentimes as destructive as alcoholism is for an individual and a family, it also provides a security and creates a dynamic that is familiar and ‘works’ for the family members who enable it.

In this case, keeping someone financially provided for and numb with alcohol may allow the other members of the household to have their needs met. She’s miserable and a bitch to them, but she does the cooking and washing. Or her being too drunk to have a normal life outside the home allows a cheating partner to get on with his cheating. Or gives family members who find a sense of purpose in enabling to do their enabling and feel a sense of self-worth. The dynamic is self-sustaining because on some level it works for everyone involved.

So you hate her and are looking for reasons to validate it?

I know exactly what’s going on.

Do you as you don't seem to be able to explain it!

Without knowing your relationship to her it's impossible to say because we don't know what sort of lens or prism you're seeing it through and who would be saying this to you.

I reckon you're the husband or his sibling.

I think it's "His friends don’t like her. They accuse her of being controlling, bossy towards him and largely opinionated."

I have never heard this saying. It’s probably because no one says it. If shes controlling and an abusive alcoholic then she’s not an angel.

Why are you giving her headspace?

I think the OP is drunk and the person she is referring to is herself.

The reason being - her writing style appears she is under the influence and no one would refer to a controlling alcoholic as a house angel.

I think House devil, street angel is a German saying for people who are horrible behind closed doors, but sweet and charming to the outside world

I agree. In her mind she has made up the word house angel for herself.

Instead of intoxicated former SAHM now unable to work.

The typos make your post hard to follow. Gos friends? The alcohol addiction is secret to outside the family? Assume you mean the addiction is a secret outside the family but not inside. Or is she hiding it from the family too? And house angel? That's not the saying. The idea of the saying is the opposite of what I think you mean, which is "Street angel, hearth devil". It means someone who's very different behind closed doors, usually much worse.

I don't really have the foggiest what you're asking, to be honest. How are we supposed to know what this person is like?

You have quoted yourself

Why do you feel you should help her?

@onlyaparatraik why are you being so vague? Who are you in relation to this sitiation and what do you want from us exactly?

is a full time SAHM to adults and basically manages her husbands clothes, meals, past times and social life.

What grown arse man can’t manage his own clothes and social life? That’s not managing a household, that’s parenting an adult.
A partner should be capable of handling their own clothes, meals, hobbies, and social life instead of outsourcing basic adulthood to their wife.

I would have asked her if it was appropriate.

You've answered you own question very early on in the thread.

It's not appropriate because it's none of your business.

You don't need to 'approach' anything.

Are you drunk? This thread makes no sense lol

I’m sorry that I’ve confused so many. I’m very conscious of the persons privacy. That was not my intention.
I can assure you I’m sober but in a pickle right now as I’m at a loss as to how to support the family and it is very much my business as I am directly affected.
Thanks for the helpful replies .

it is very much my business as I am directly affected.

Excellent.

So you can go and speak to them all then 🤷‍♂️

I don't think she sounds like any sort of angel. His friends say she's bossy and controlling, she sounds like she has a miserable life as the stay at home drudge and I'm not surprised to hear she has a 'secret' alcohol addiction.

I'm not sure what or why you want people to agree with your 'house angel' scenario. It feels utterly irrelevant to anything. If you need to offer support to this person or family then do so - but labelling or pigeon holing this woman is not going to achieve anything.