OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

What does your OH suggest you do if she has another baby? It sounds a fairly impossible situation to me unless you're one hundred percent onboard. I think I would feel resentful. If she went into care she would be adopted eventually presumably. Has your OH had a really big think about all the implications, the impact on your family emotionally, financially, space wise all of it. It's an understandable response to think you would want to take the baby on and think we'll make it work. But realistically sounds like he's expecting you to do a lot of the babies care. That's not reasonable if you're not behind this idea.

It can work like that though.

Honestly yes. This is his niece and if he’s serious about taking her in, it would be really hard to just replace her with another baby.

Middle ground if he wants this commitment: he needs to make it work; she needs marriage and parent-equivalent status; and they need to consider a fourth baby in the future.

You’re astounded? Really? Do you often struggle to understand simple sentiments?
What I, and many others, mean is that if OP is in a set up where they were considering another baby then perhaps they are in a suitable set up to take on the niece. Perhaps it could work for everybody. You’re oversimplifying.

But it can work like that

Exactly. It works like that in tribal communities across the world.

How you feel about your own baby is really different to someone else's though? And babies grow up and become children...

Op- I don't think this is a decision you can make on aibu. I think though you really have to want to do it as well as your OH. It is a big commitment.

If at all possible I would want to keep baby niece in the family even if it disrupted my own plans. She is here in the world and needs a family .

There is so much naivety and ignorance on this thread.

OP you are right to exercise extreme caution in considering this. You have two existing children whose needs must be put first.

Are you 100% sure that the extending hospital stay wasn’t connected with substance abuse in pregnancy? Is there any possibility that your SIL drank during the pregnancy? I think FAS is often not diagnosed until much later in development and although it encompasses a broad range of difficulties they can be very severe indeed. A tiny baby is likely to be relatively easy to find a foster placement for. Kinship adoption sounds brilliant but depending on the personalities and challenges of the people involved, it can be incredibly tricky. The baby will be a tiny baby for a lot less long than it will a sentient child or stroppy teenager with rose tinted spectacles about their mum and how she’s so much more chilled than Auntie and Uncle X who treat her like a child and don’t understand or trust her mum does…

It was interesting hearing from someone who was in this situation as a child herself and thinks it might have been better to be outside of the family.

Yes I really am astounded. If anyone is oversimplifying it’s definitely not me, that’s for sure. Having your own baby is very different to taking on someone else’s baby!

Personally, I would take the baby, but absolutely my stance here is people are being ridiculous in the absurd assumption that this baby can just replace a baby of your own. It really is not that simple at all. If OP wanted to take this baby in, there wouldn’t even be a thread here .. that’s speaks volumes.

That 'stance' is dictated by the court not by social services. We are led by practice directions that come from the family court and are informed by research evidence.

Or, perhaps, OP is aware this is a mammoth undertaking and is trying to sound it out so she can clearly see her own thoughts.
Again, nobody is talking about replacing a baby. Just that they clearly have a suitable set up, clearly have enough love for another baby and that the niece is here and exists. If I let her go into care, I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to then actively try for another baby. It wouldn’t feel right. There are so many avenues of thought for OP to work through.

And what about if it significantly disrupted your existing children's lives?

The same as the third baby the OP is considering? I’m not sure that is necessarily a factor here. It sounds like OPs set up is geared up for a new little one.

A third baby will do that anyway

Because you’ve bonded with them.

There was a case in Aus where 2 babies were accidentally switched in the maternity unit and when this came to light, some years later, the mothers opted to keep the “wrong” child.

I think its clear how you feel about this deep down if you're honest with yourself.

"Putting baby 3 on hold" - This would be baby number 3 if you welcome them to your family, but you need to be prepared to treat this baby as your own if you choose to take them on.

If 3 is the most children you can handle, would taking on your SILs baby cause resentment that you couldn't have a 3rd biological child of your own?

I'd personally take on my niece or nephew before having another pregnancy if it was one or the other, but I don't think there's any shame in not being able to do this.

What is the weather like back in la la land?

Where nobody has to worry about costs, potentially interfering and disruptive biological parents and disruption to existing children (often due to the disruption of random visiting parents).

Where “poor wee baby” will grow up into a potentially disrupted teen affecting the whole family.

Of course its a difficult decision even if both want to consider the idea it needs serious thought. As the PP who has been the poor wee baby says - prepared adoptive parents with clear separation of legal and familial responsibilties may well provide a more stable and enduring family for the child than the “obligation” family facing ongoing complex relations with the biological parents.

There's obviously significantly higher potential for disruption with this baby than there is if OP and DP have another themselves.

Which isn't necessarily a reason not to do it, but this is another thing they ought to be clear about before they make a decision.

No, because a 3rd biological baby wouldn't have Social Services in and out of the house and lot, wouldn't have to be facilitated to see biological parents or half siblings (e.g. if the biological dad has other kids), wouldn't have lots of interviews etc. And ultimately a biological sibling is less likely to be removed from the household in the future.

Its a fair point, the chances of OP having a 3rd baby her children bond with and it later being removed and given to another family is small. There's a real chance that could happen in this scenario if baby’s mother shows she's a capable parent.

I dont know op - there is a child who needs a home, but i get it - the child is not yours. In your position - if it were ME - i would adopt the child and that would be it. No more kids after.

Ultimately, you need a plan for what would happen to this child if you split up or he died. You aren’t going to be the primary parent, when you clearly ARE to your first two. When you spell it out to him this way he will understand the enormity of what you’re asking.

That doesn’t mean it will harm OPs children, who are related to this baby regardless

What happens if she has another baby in the future?