OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

The baby is young enough to be foster to adopted very quickly which might be kinder than trying to muddle through and her enter the system at a much older age. A fresh start with the option to have a relationship with SIL when she is older and hopefully has sorted herself out amd can be a stable figure.

Even if you adopt you can't tell the child she is only yours, a huge part of her will be SIL and you need to be prepared to encourage a relationship with SIL if DN wishes. Adopting a child is a huge responsibility to the child and this wont be like if SIL had died, she will be an important figure for DN.

Is the SIL likely to cause chaos for your children, I think you need to make your decision with them at the forefront. Is there addiction or LDs with SIL? I know that I would not be able to cope with a baby with FAS for example.

I would take my own baby DN in, however SIL is ace so DN would only come due to death which makes it more clear cut, she has no SEN and I have finished having kids so I wouldn't be arguing with DH about having my own additional child.

If you dont adopt it will be too messy for your kids with the parents coming in and out. If you had no kids I would say go for it but this is a huge gamble with their own childhoods.

Yeah, but the stance by ss is that it is far better to have contact with bio family, throughout the childs life than .....BAM....here is your "blood family" for a potentially truamatised, hormonal 16yr old child who thinks the grass is greener in the crack house.

That's why I said outside of certain circumstances.

And usually in those circumstances family adoptions aren't the first choice because they will want to keep the biological parents out of the child's life permanently.

Is the baby's biological father known, and is he still living? If so, you need to be absolutely sure that he cannot care for the child himself, as it's primarily the parents' responsibility and staying with at least one parent would normally be the best option for the child. If he is deceased or incapable, his family should also be involved in the discussions about who in the extended family is best placed (willing and able) to care for the child short and long term. I wouldn't agree to any further discussions about your taking the baby until this has been fully explored. While your partner's sister may not know or may not want to disclose the father's name, and that's her right, you still need to consider the ethics of bypassing him and whether this could cause issues later on (for example, if he doesn't know the child is his, or that there even is a child, and finds out later).

IF that avenue has been fully explored and it seems that your household is probably the best place for the baby, don't ignore or feel guilty about voicing any feelings of discomfort or any questions or reservations you may have about the arrangement. You don't want to have any resentment of this later on; that's not good for the child either and his needs are the important thing here, not your partner's or anyone else's wants. The situation where the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job isn't inevitable; if taking in this child is a priority for your partner then he should be getting very creative and proactive brainstorming ways that he can shoulder the burden. It may seem unrealistic now, but plenty of people make these kinds of changes and if he's unwilling that would be a big red flag.

It's not 'unimaginably cold' not to feel able to adopt a relative's child. Jesus Christ.

Yes all this.

You won't get time off work like maternity or adoption leave. You aren't guaranteed any financial help.
Paternal family will need to be explored and there may be contact needs there, including paternal half siblings.
You'd have an intrusive assessment and maybe even have to be approved at fostering panel...

You need a lot more information before you can consider it and you don't have to consider it at all.

I agree
can’t niece be baby number three??

This. I had a co-worker who did exactly this and the sister went on to have two more that she felt she had no choice but to rear along with her own kids. She has aged twenty years in the last seven.

One baby is much like another? Are you for real?

OP surely this would become baby number 3 if you do this. Would this work for you? You would basically adopt the baby. If you're willing to have another baby then perhaps you're willing to do this but if you're not you need to tell your OH he needs to be prepared to parent this baby, not agree to it and expect you to look after her (unless you want to).

If the family don't want the baby to go into care how do they feel about adoption? Then perhaps you might consider fostering while adoption process goes on . Would it be an open adoption and how would you deal with the fact that the family kept one child but not the other . Sorry just realized 18 years apart in age so totally different.

Op you need to be fully on board with this as a couple or you don't do it. You need to see this as a permanent thing, this child would be your child for all intents and purposes and you would also need to make as much space as needed for your ohs sister in your lives according to what's best for her child rather than what's best for everyone else.

Kids who grow up in kinship care have much better outcomes than those who go into different types of care so yes, this would be a good thing to do and is in the child's best interests. But you both need to be fully on board.

Well OP is able, she just doesn’t want to which is not the same thing.

Would the sil agree to an adoption if she isn't able to be a proper parent? I would adopt her and she'd be my third child, if the sil isn't able to parent.

It’s the very definition of cold.

Maybe baby 3 is coming in a different way.
I wonder if "DH wants to, but would fall on me" is it is his idea / suggestion but I do the childcare etc and would this baby be treated just like our other children ?

You both have to consider it and be very thoughtful. It would be a wonderful thing if you could support this baby, and would give him / her an amazing chance at a family life from the start. It won't be without it's challange just like caring for your own children at times

I actually respect your husband from not shying away from this

You're talking about raising a whole entire person from babyhood to adulthood and having a relationship with them for the rest of your life. Of COURSE it's an imposition. It doesn't mean it isn't the right thing for some people to do but it's absolutely insane to pretend this is a no big deal request.

Pretty much, I’m not very sentimental about babies.

Not necessarily

A difficult situation. Is there anyone else in the family who could step up to be the main carer?

I think I’d see niece as the baby number 3. If you could make it work for another baby then it should be workable.
A huge commitment and I don’t envy your predicament. Best of luck with whatever you decide. I hope this little girl has a wonderful life.

Indeed. There are all manner of good reasons (many given by pp above) not to do so. None should be usurped by "Ooh, you're cold to refuse..." in the late 80s, a close friend's sister adopted a baby whose mother had already had 3 children taken away for adoption; they already had a bio daughter. When this little boy was about 8, SS came to them and asked if they wanted the same mother's latest child - and put a lot of pressure on them to take their son's sibling because... siblings. They demurred, but SS made them feel like they were committing a crime.

I never wanted children. If someone had tried to make me take on responsibility for a relative's child in such circumstances, I would not have been happy if they'd tried emotionally blackmailing me.

I wouldn't do this, you aren't married, adoption isn't a given and it sounds like you would be doing the majority of the care, you wouldn't have any recourse to see this little one in the event of a split either. You wouldn't be mum just another care giver with no rights or very little say.

You always get people exclaming how they could never let a child oftheir family go into care, these people typically have no experience or insight to such complicated issues. The ones that have will be the ones that advise you to be firm on your no if you are not already 110% for it.

You already have 2 children. Personally I would seriously consider adopting this baby, and then calling it a day.

I’m genuinely astounded at the amount of posters saying ‘well you want another baby, just have this ready made one’ 😵‍💫😵‍💫 It really doesn’t work like that 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️