Page 35 | OH wants custody of baby niece?

milkshakess · 2026-05-08T09:55:03+00:00

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care. She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8. She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad. Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy. From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby. I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged? Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping. OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him. OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son. Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd). OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job. Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

PoppinjayPolly · 09/05/2026 21:17

Allisnotlost1 · 09/05/2026 21:05

It seems like a lot has happened in just five weeks, where the mother and baby haven’t left hospital (?) She’s said she wants to keep the baby and everyone to help, she’s asked for people to visit, but sounds like you and OH and maybe others haven’t due to illnesses (very sensible). You said before you’ve been trying to call her for weeks but she doesn’t answer or phone is off.

SS can’t be too concerned as they seem not to have got a care order as yet, and you’re not sure what their concerns are, or what mother’s issues are.

I wonder if anyone actually has a clear picture of the situation? Until you do this is all a mess but someone else’s mess and you don’t need to get involved at all.

Show quote history

It’s absolutely sils mess and all the guilt tripping numpties on this thread aren’t helping either with the ridiculous “whhhhyy aren’t you helping!”
wonder if you said, “we”ll care for baby but you get to claim all the benefits” she’d jump for that? 🤨

RoseField1 · 09/05/2026 21:17

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 20:35

SW obviously aren't happy for her to be unsupervised with the baby either or they wouldn't both still be in hospital at 5 weeks.

They must be thinking / hoping some sort of family kinship care arrangement can be achieved or baby would have been removed by now. Its not unusual for babies to be removed at 2 days old.

Hospital can't be left supervising her and baby much longer.

Show quote history

No sorry this isn't accurate. The only way social services could insist on mum and baby staying anywhere is by a court order in which case they would be doing a lot more than 'hoping' for a family placement. Also social services can't insist that a mum and baby stay in hospital where there is no medical need. They will only be in hospital if one or the other isn't medically fit for discharge. Hospitals don't provide supervision for mums and babies where there is a risk of harm to the baby.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 21:19

milkshakess · 09/05/2026 14:44

So SIL was asking us to come and see her in hospital but we have all had various colds, bugs etc and I am getting over a kidney infection.

SIL advised us to wait until everyone was feeling well as she didn't want any germs exposed to the baby.

I don't really have much of a relationship with her anymore, we used to get along really well.

Again OH and his siblings all used to be so close with her but it all changed when their father passed away 6 years ago, but she has had issues away before that.

She used to call us every 2 weeks or so to ask for money etc until OH put his foot down as at this point we were also helping her son with things.

She gets quite a bit off PIP ( she has told us this) and was renting out a car out at one point she had obtained through PIP but they found out and took it back, bit weird she was able to even get a car considering she dosent even have a driving license.

Nobody in the family was happy when she announced her pregnancy as everyone knew how it would kind of play out.

The 18 year old nephew would love to have custody of his sister but he is still at college and is in the process of applying for a council flat as he has said that he dosent want to live with his mum.
He really is such a lovely kind hearted boy and I feel so sorry for him.

The man you are not married to wants you to take full responsibility and the mothering role fr a high needs baby with an unstable mother and enmeshed family dynamics. You are also to give up your desire to have a third baby of your own in favour of an unrelated baby who comes with all sorts of strings attached and who already has several family members to look after her.

So have you decided not to ruin your future, and indeed your present, not to mention dumping your own children (whose job it actually is for you to care for above all others) with all the lifelong hassles this will bring them, to appease the man you are not married to?

Allisnotlost1 · 09/05/2026 21:25

PoppinjayPolly · 09/05/2026 21:17

It’s absolutely sils mess and all the guilt tripping numpties on this thread aren’t helping either with the ridiculous “whhhhyy aren’t you helping!”
wonder if you said, “we”ll care for baby but you get to claim all the benefits” she’d jump for that? 🤨

Edited

Show quote history

The more OP posts the more unsure I feel about any of it. It seems there’s a lot of hearsay and speculation about what the mother has said, if she’s not been out of hospital at all and multiple of her family haven’t even seen her. She’s getting a hard ride on the thread but there’s a distinct lack of clarity about the situation. I don’t know why you think benefits have anything to do with it - she’ll be eligible for child benefit, like everyone else, and if she has PIP she’ll have been assessed. The car thing is weird, if she doesn’t even have a licence how can that happen?

Allisnotlost1 · 09/05/2026 21:26

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 21:19

The man you are not married to wants you to take full responsibility and the mothering role fr a high needs baby with an unstable mother and enmeshed family dynamics. You are also to give up your desire to have a third baby of your own in favour of an unrelated baby who comes with all sorts of strings attached and who already has several family members to look after her.

So have you decided not to ruin your future, and indeed your present, not to mention dumping your own children (whose job it actually is for you to care for above all others) with all the lifelong hassles this will bring them, to appease the man you are not married to?

Show quote history

JFC you’re back.

Where has anyone said the baby has high needs? Literally no-one - including OP - knows that.

Nearly50omg · 09/05/2026 21:28

Your sil clearly is a LOT more capable than she makes out!! She’s a grown adult who’s had adult relationships, manages to live alone and also managed to overseas by Herself! She is manipulative and clearly knows how to work rhe system and also her relatives who are stupid enough to drop everything and do as she demands when she demands “help” you go out and kit her house out for everything she needs for her baby! Why?!!! Why do you keep doing this?! She clearly isn’t stupid and may have some difficulties in life but manages to manipulate and use loads of people when it suits her! Don’t get involved at all is my advice! It will only cost you in heartache when she takes the baby back off you after you’ve served your uses of being used as babysitter/bank/supplier of whatever she demands!

ThePieceHall · 09/05/2026 21:30

RoseField1 · 09/05/2026 21:17

No sorry this isn't accurate. The only way social services could insist on mum and baby staying anywhere is by a court order in which case they would be doing a lot more than 'hoping' for a family placement. Also social services can't insist that a mum and baby stay in hospital where there is no medical need. They will only be in hospital if one or the other isn't medically fit for discharge. Hospitals don't provide supervision for mums and babies where there is a risk of harm to the baby.

Show quote history

Thank goodness! Someone actually talking sense on this thread.

PoppinjayPolly · 09/05/2026 21:32

Allisnotlost1 · 09/05/2026 21:25

The more OP posts the more unsure I feel about any of it. It seems there’s a lot of hearsay and speculation about what the mother has said, if she’s not been out of hospital at all and multiple of her family haven’t even seen her. She’s getting a hard ride on the thread but there’s a distinct lack of clarity about the situation. I don’t know why you think benefits have anything to do with it - she’ll be eligible for child benefit, like everyone else, and if she has PIP she’ll have been assessed. The car thing is weird, if she doesn’t even have a licence how can that happen?

Show quote history

Why shouldn’t SIL get a “hard ride”? She’s already dumped one child, including using him to steal thousands of pounds, portray herself as being too unwell to
parent, yet still manage to book an escape for a significant period of time to America…
yep, poor love, how dare anyone say anything negative.
and why should she get the child benefit if she’s not actively parenting? Her rights?

IfYouNeedMeAskYourFather · 09/05/2026 21:34

Allisnotlost1 · 09/05/2026 19:57

The OP has said that the mother doesn’t appear to want to give up the baby, and has said SS don’t seem overly concerned. So it’s reasonable to consider that adoption is not on the table, or at least won’t be for some time (if ever).

Show quote history

Thanks. For reference, I'm not the only one that gave that advice, My original post said 'I agree with others...' ...

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 21:40

RoseField1 · 09/05/2026 21:17

No sorry this isn't accurate. The only way social services could insist on mum and baby staying anywhere is by a court order in which case they would be doing a lot more than 'hoping' for a family placement. Also social services can't insist that a mum and baby stay in hospital where there is no medical need. They will only be in hospital if one or the other isn't medically fit for discharge. Hospitals don't provide supervision for mums and babies where there is a risk of harm to the baby.

Show quote history

Well with that logic it has to be the Mum who's not medically fit.
If it was the baby surely she's have been taken to special care and the mother sent home.

I've never heard of both mum and baby being kept in for more than about a week.

What sort of time scale would their be between MWs raising concerns and SW getting the case to court?

Allisnotlost1 · 09/05/2026 21:54

PoppinjayPolly · 09/05/2026 21:32

Why shouldn’t SIL get a “hard ride”? She’s already dumped one child, including using him to steal thousands of pounds, portray herself as being too unwell to
parent, yet still manage to book an escape for a significant period of time to America…
yep, poor love, how dare anyone say anything negative.
and why should she get the child benefit if she’s not actively parenting? Her rights?

Edited

Show quote history

How is she ‘portraying herself’ as anything, we haven’t heard from her just a few piecemeal things from OP, some of which she won’t have witnessed herself because she won’t have been around, and some of which is contradictory. (No drug and alcohol issues, oh but there might be. She’s been in hospital two weeks, then five, she’s made things clear but OP seems not to have spoken to her). There are definitely some questionable things there but clearly the family haven’t cut her off and no-one is objecting to her 18 year old moving in with her so there must also be some good too. People seem to enjoy putting the boot on on the pretext of ‘advice’.

Allisnotlost1 · 09/05/2026 21:54

IfYouNeedMeAskYourFather · 09/05/2026 21:34

Thanks. For reference, I'm not the only one that gave that advice, My original post said 'I agree with others...' ...

Show quote history

You’re right, you’re not the only person who didn’t read the OP’s posts before commenting.

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 22:33

Lunde · 09/05/2026 16:12

The grandmother has spent the last 18+ years raising her dd's first child who she also abandoned - perhaps we could cut her some slack

Show quote history

Parents of children with disabilities don't get slack. We just get whatever is happening in the moment dumped on us to deal with, forever and ever, until we can't anymore because we're dead.

Of course, it's not fair for the grandmother. It's not fair for anyone, most especially the wee baby.

RoseField1 · 09/05/2026 22:36

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 21:40

Well with that logic it has to be the Mum who's not medically fit.
If it was the baby surely she's have been taken to special care and the mother sent home.

I've never heard of both mum and baby being kept in for more than about a week.

What sort of time scale would their be between MWs raising concerns and SW getting the case to court?

Edited

Show quote history

Things would have to be a LOT more serious than 'midwives raising concerns' for social services to be applying to court to remove the baby, and if it was that serious they could be in court within a couple of days or even same day in an emergency but if that were the case the SIL wouldn't be in hospital with the baby.
None of this really fits an urgent safeguarding issue with the likelihood of care proceedings. I think OP has got herself worked up (and about a thousand mumsnetters on her behalf) about a very hypothetical situation that probably won't ever come to be.

PoppinjayPolly · 09/05/2026 22:41

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 22:33

Parents of children with disabilities don't get slack. We just get whatever is happening in the moment dumped on us to deal with, forever and ever, until we can't anymore because we're dead.

Of course, it's not fair for the grandmother. It's not fair for anyone, most especially the wee baby.

Show quote history

Of course, but it’s all the posters who completely are absolving the shitty SIL for being yet again a shitty mum, and foisting responsibility on op and dgm who are being the worst

Lunde · 09/05/2026 23:08

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 22:33

Parents of children with disabilities don't get slack. We just get whatever is happening in the moment dumped on us to deal with, forever and ever, until we can't anymore because we're dead.

Of course, it's not fair for the grandmother. It's not fair for anyone, most especially the wee baby.

Show quote history

I know this as I am a parent of 2 children with disabilities.

However as a disabled 64 year old myself I know that I would not be capable of raising a baby for the next 20 years into my 80s - and it wouldn't be fair on the baby either. The baby would be better off being adopted than having an incapable grandparent and a mother that treats them like a toy they can pick up when they want to play.

InterIgnis · 09/05/2026 23:10

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 22:33

Parents of children with disabilities don't get slack. We just get whatever is happening in the moment dumped on us to deal with, forever and ever, until we can't anymore because we're dead.

Of course, it's not fair for the grandmother. It's not fair for anyone, most especially the wee baby.

Show quote history

A significant proportion of looked after children have SEN.

A grandparent does not bear the burden of responsibility that a parent does.

MilkyLeonard · 09/05/2026 23:21

There are definitely some questionable things there but clearly the family haven’t cut her off and no-one is objecting to her 18 year old moving in with her so there must also be some good too.

He’s 18. Who can object?

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 23:30

InterIgnis · 09/05/2026 23:10

A significant proportion of looked after children have SEN.

A grandparent does not bear the burden of responsibility that a parent does.

Show quote history

That's true. However, if my DD came home pregnant and single, my DD being the person I'm the parent of, I would see it as part of parenting her that I have to help her parent. Because she couldn't do it without support at this stage. She could maybe grow into it more and more.

Is it fair? No, but it's life.

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 23:33

Lunde · 09/05/2026 23:08

I know this as I am a parent of 2 children with disabilities.

However as a disabled 64 year old myself I know that I would not be capable of raising a baby for the next 20 years into my 80s - and it wouldn't be fair on the baby either. The baby would be better off being adopted than having an incapable grandparent and a mother that treats them like a toy they can pick up when they want to play.

Edited

Show quote history

I have three and also have my own issues. I agree in OP's case that adoption is probably the best option. However, I can't imagine making my DD give up her baby, so I know I'd end up supporting her to parent. You could argue it's a choice, but I can't imagine doing otherwise when, with support, she could do it.

InterestedDad37 · 09/05/2026 23:35

I know a family who have done something very similar. It's a huge, life-changing step, but by Christ, they really have my admiration.

LellyLov2 · 09/05/2026 23:36

Put baby number 3 on hold …. A baby that’s already been born and on the verge of going in the system over you wanting another child ?

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 23:41

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 23:30

That's true. However, if my DD came home pregnant and single, my DD being the person I'm the parent of, I would see it as part of parenting her that I have to help her parent. Because she couldn't do it without support at this stage. She could maybe grow into it more and more.

Is it fair? No, but it's life.

Show quote history

Read the thread, this mum isn't capable of parenting her first child whos 18 getting ready to move in to a council flat.

Do you really think she'll be any better for her second child?

The Gran knows what her DD is or isn't capable off.

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 23:42

MilkyLeonard · 09/05/2026 23:21

There are definitely some questionable things there but clearly the family haven’t cut her off and no-one is objecting to her 18 year old moving in with her so there must also be some good too.

He’s 18. Who can object?

The op also says in a later post he's moving into a council flat.

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 23:48

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 23:41

Read the thread, this mum isn't capable of parenting her first child whos 18 getting ready to move in to a council flat.

Do you really think she'll be any better for her second child?

The Gran knows what her DD is or isn't capable off.

Show quote history

There's been a big gap between these two babies. She might not be capable of parenting on her own, she might be capable of parenting with support if she moved in with her mother. Sorting whether this is possible will come down to what social services determine and what support is available. None of this means that OP has to offer her life and service to taking on the baby however, which is the core of it.