OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Being removed from the mother who carried you for nine months is regarded as the ultimate primal wound. Very, very many adoptees carry this loss all through their lives. Adoption is not the magic wand that cures all the pre-natal and early life experiences of children who have experienced chaotic, violent, abusive and dysfunctional households or been exposed to toxins like drugs and/or alcohol in utero, as well as extremely poor nutrition. Additionally, a conservative estimate is that at least half of all adopted children have SEND. The two issues are being conflated here but the truth is that there is much overlap between early life trauma and attachment and SEND. Also, there are extremely high heritability factors for ADHD and autism, as well as certain mental health disorders, so it makes sense that a high proportion of adopted children will have these conditions which may not have been diagnosed in their birth parents. Because it is bloody hard to secure diagnoses when you are a middle-class, university-educated individual who knows how to navigate the system.

Ok I can say as an adoptive mother of twins and previously a foster carer for a teen girl that some of the attitudes on this thread are appalling towards/about kids who end up in care. I come across these uneducated and superior attitudes way too often for 2026.

Kids in care are not write offs. They absolutely suffer early trauma and are more likely to have extra needs but they can access the same bright future as non adopted kids when placed with the right mum and dad. Would you write this about, say, disabled children? Unfortuntately, being adopted isnt a protected characteristic, but it should be, as it is intrisically linked to identity.

And for the PP who said adopted kids arent interchangeable with a biological one, id say no kid is interchangeable. I woukdnt swap my adopted kids for a biological child (and yes I lost two) for anything in the world. Because NO kid is interchangeable.

Or even the right mum or right dad. I’m fed up of the prevailing narrative on here that all adoptive families are the proverbial nuclear ones.

Excellent posts from ThePieceHall and Hillsmakeyoustrong (at the moment, immediately above me.

As someone who was adopted as a new baby, I find this so interesting and it is good to have posters with insight.

I don't think she meant that but it was the op who said she would, ideally, like a baby girl. However her heart goes out, first and foremost, to a baby who needs a mum, regardless of the chld's sex.

I am really looking forward to the op coming back after having visited mother and baby at the hospital.

I knew I would be picked up on this even though im talking from our specific family experience.

To be clear...equally the right mums, the right dads, the right solo mum, the right solo dad.

Thanks! We singlies need to push uphill for our rights and recognition. Not being a dick just always trying to challenge all the false narratives on here which are not helpful for the cause.

I know and rightly so👌

The person I was replying to said that a baby who is not with their birth mother will automatically be a high needs baby, which just isn't true. It's not helpful or accurate to make those blanket assumptions. chaotic, violent, abusive and dysfunctional households, exposed to toxins like drugs and/or alcohol in utero, as well as extremely poor nutrition + heritability factors for ADHD and autism are different issues, so I'm not sure why you seem to be conflating them with the primal wound theory. We don't know if any of those issues will apply to the OP's niece and we shouldn't make assumptions one way or the other. If OP decides she is interested in raising this baby, then she should find out as much as possible about the baby and her mothers specific circumstances, not make assumptions. She should also be aware of the possibility that the baby will have additional needs without assuming that will inevitably be the case, just like for instance anyone planning to have a child as an older parent should prepare for the possibility of additional needs.

The primal wound book and the theory behind it is controversial for good reason.

Agreed. But equally you can’t say any of these issues are not true. A child who is not with their birth mother WILL have extra needs; how could they not?

These reasons are why babies and children in this country are removed from their birth parents.

I have worked with a lot of families involved with child protection type services, including some that had children removed or worked with us with children still in their care, and not once were heritability issues of neurodiversity a factor. That's quite laughable.

"A child who is not with their birth mother WILL have extra needs; how could they not?" Is an unhelpful overgeneralisation. Some will, to varying degrees, and some won't. Best to be prepared for either possibility, rather than imposing a narrative based on assumptions that will not apply to everyone. My twin brother and I were raised by my grandparents due to my mum's difficulties. We didn't have any additional needs as children, we don't have issues as adults, nor do we feel traumatised. According to the primal wound theory, we must be traumatised, regardless of our actual experiences and feelings.

Also, the correct terminology is neurodivergences. This is my red flag when I absolutely know that the person with whom I’m engaging knows nothing about neurodevelopmental issues as they do insist on using the word ‘neurodiversity’. Neurodiversity is everyone ie everyone’s brains ie neurotypical and neurodivergent, so all the diversity in the world, and neurodivergent equals diverging from the norm of neurotypical.

I teach this stuff at university dear, to train future workers in the field. I know ND is heritable. However, it has never been a factor in deciding that a child needs to be removed. That's a joke. I can't imagine a report that says, "Parents have ADHD, therefore child must be removed." In fact, ND children will probably do better in a ND family. Extra supports might be needed but I would never consider that alone a reason to remove a child.

Were you exposed to alcohol in the womb? Heroin, methadone, crack cocaine, cannabis, vodka? Did you experience domestic abuse while you were pre-natal? Did your mother attend all of her maternity appointments, were you well nutritioned? Did your mother have to move home frequently to avoid abuse or debts? I won’t even go down the route of the reality of physical, emotional and sexual abuse intra-family. If you have experienced any of these adverse child experiences and you are winning at life, then, genuinely, you are absolutely defying the odds. But please do not denigrate or deny the experiences of contemporary UK adoptees (and the landscape is very different elsewhere which is not always helpful on these threads) and their adopters.

This rant doesn't even make sense and your credibility isn't great, since you're talking about terminology and used the term 'well nutritioned' in your next post. That's not even grammatically correct.

Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. LOL. Not worth the time of effort. You're just looking for a fight and I'm not the person you're going to get it with. Breathe.

Yes, it does and yes it is. If you are teaching future social workers, then this is why children’s services are in such a parlous state. Also, it’s insulting to imply I’m ranting. I’m not. I’m challenging systemic ignorance. I have to do a lot of that. It’s not a rant because someone points out you are not using correct terminology. You have patronised me by calling me ‘dear’, er, no thanks. And you have told me I have no credibility. Would that be the credibility of having been an adopter twice over of 20 years? Plus a foster carer for more than a decade? What greater credibility could there be for knowing about these issues? Or are you one of the many professionals who clock off at 5pm, know bugger all about the children, have no lived experience but still think you know better than those living it 24/7? If so, I’ve met a thousand like you.

OP it's probably best to wait until you find out what's actually going on with SIL and the baby before you get too worried about what you're going to do, it doesn't sound like you have a clear idea of ways going on at the moment or even if the baby is going to be removed

That poster just said that not every child who doesn't live with their birth mum will have special needs. That isn't denigrating your or anyone else's experiences. I don't know why you're lashing out so much at everyone who disagrees with you. It might be wise to step away from this thread until you can calm down a bit.

I’m not not calm.