OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Is she not the baby’s mother?

The three agencies I spoke to about adoption applied a 45 year gap rule. It’s not a legal requirement but I thought it was fairly common. We were under 45 and looking to adopt older children so it wasn’t an issue, but were told it was a general guideline for making sure the adopter had the energy and health to see through an adoption. I’m sure there are exceptions, probably more so in kinship situations, but 60 and a tiny baby is probably a stretch.

This. I'm no longer in the UK and it's not legally mandated here either, but is a generally observed guideline

I’m close to all my parents’ siblings, and partners, and they were always a big part of our lives growing up. I don’t know if you’re cold but it sounds odd to me.

Can't say as I'm surprised.

DGM is now too old for plans to include a significant degree of reliance on her for the next 18 years, that's the plain and simple fact. The only people suggesting it are entirely failing to explain how this would be in the interests of the baby. The closest anyone has got is serves her right and giving examples of quite different circumstances.

OP, are you married? I can't imagine agreeing to this if married knowing the mother involveds form. But unmarried? Madness.

OP has said not married.

I wonder how many posters advocating for the DGM to take on the baby are the same ones who tell 45 year olds asking ‘am I too old to TTC’ not to be so selfish.

The situation with his sister is obviously far worse than you know in terms of her complete lack of suitability and the seriousness of the safeguarding issues.

It would be far better for her (DN) if you could keep her in the family with your other young DC.

Contact with the BM is helpful but if you were adopting it would need to be clear she wouldn’t be able to just turn up or have the same type of arrangement as she did with her own DM (which is more understandable given that’s her own DM).

Agree it would be a struggle for his DM to take on this role.

@milkshakess

I’m an adoptive parent of two, nearly 20 years in with my AD1, and I would urge you to think long and hard about this as an undertaking. Adoption is never a happy-ever-story. Ever. For anyone in the triad. Also, I am aghast at the suggestion that the siblings will ‘pass’ the baby around to ease the pressure on you. No! This is a child who will have suffered the most primal of wounds, namely being removed from the mother who has carried them for nine months and who most likely will have concomitant and lifelong attachment issues. Adoption, kinship, SGO and fostering are absolutely not for the feint-hearted. Reparenting a vulnerable child is a Herculean task, with no positive outcome guaranteed. Also, mental health disorders have very high heritability factors, plus, and forgive me if I have missed this, babies who are not well nourished in utero or who are exposed to certain medications or toxins, can develop health issues. My AD1’s birth father hanged himself in prison with schizophrenia, while her birth mother has significant mental health diagnoses and accompanying behaviours. I can see history (slowly) repeating itself now with AD1.

Please don’t be guilt-tripped by the ‘because family’ narrative, both here and in your home. You need to consider and prioritise the needs of your own children, plus you and your wishes matter too.

I actually don’t think the mother does deserve any empathy. Look at the mess she’s made getting pregnant again at 37 when there was no need for it. The best thing would have been for the baby not to have been born. But she is here, born into a shitshow, and the mother has to shoulder the responsibility for that.

Very easily. I’m sure you understand where babies come from by now.

Well exactly - most of us haven’t had to do it. Which is exactly why judging people who have been in the situation is so inappropriate.

She mentions them in the first post. If you can’t even read that, keep your useless brain farts to yourself.

I thought it might be a ‘me thing’.

I know technically that they family to me, but you can’t have a technical emotional attachment.

No, if you don’t feel it you don’t feel it, no point pretending. Growing up, I assumed all families were close because mine was/is. It’s been an education, and does explain a lot about where our society falls down. For me the cost of children’s and adults social care, and high rates of crime, is a tangible consequence of that.

I am not sure about the "all families are close" thing. Have you ever read...closely read.....Jane Austen? This is not a brag post but I hadn't either until I went to a training day partly about family dynamics and the leader quoted Jane Austen a lot and pointed out how, even then there were families who didn't like each other very much, unpleasant mothers, distant fathers and so on....now yes he characters are largely fictional but she was and remains popular because her characters and situations are relateable. She predates our current social situation and issuse by quite a while......

Social Services must be involved or Mum and baby wouldn't still be in hospital, 5 weeks after the birth.

However I don't think an 18yo, who has been raised by his grandmother, whos about to move back in with his mother who he was removed from could possibly be classed as a good choice.

Nor should he be tied down with a baby, at his age.

Some really nonsensical suggestions on this thread....

Anyone with a bit of common sense should understand that:

• an 18 year old boy cannot be expected to take on the care of a baby
• a grandmother who already has raised her own kids and one grand child into adulthood cannot be expected to mess up her retirement plans and care for a baby at her age.

The only realistic options are:

• an adult relative who is still young enough to care for a young child and then a teenager and also has the financial means to do so steps up
• the baby goes into Foster care and hopefully adoption ( as they should not have to be at the mercy of a mother who parents only when she feels like it).

That's it in a nutshell. Thats the absolute starting point .

An adult relative - Ops partner is considering it, but needs Op to agree.

Or the baby is taken into care and adopted

I expect when OP actually talks with the authorties - she may well find out that's a huge amount more going on.

I do wonder if the mother been told she can't keep the baby and this cobbled together family pass the parcle situation is her desperate solution. It's obvioulsy not in the babies interests.

They'll be a long process and many eyes on the situtaion - I would say OP your OH family do seem to be piling on the guilt - and I suspect you are a people pleaser but consier carefully how you feel and the impact on your existing kids - don't be guilted into anything - if you do it make sure you protecting yourself and your kids as well.

So SIL was asking us to come and see her in hospital but we have all had various colds, bugs etc and I am getting over a kidney infection.

SIL advised us to wait until everyone was feeling well as she didn't want any germs exposed to the baby.

I don't really have much of a relationship with her anymore, we used to get along really well.

Again OH and his siblings all used to be so close with her but it all changed when their father passed away 6 years ago, but she has had issues away before that.

She used to call us every 2 weeks or so to ask for money etc until OH put his foot down as at this point we were also helping her son with things.

She gets quite a bit off PIP ( she has told us this) and was renting out a car out at one point she had obtained through PIP but they found out and took it back, bit weird she was able to even get a car considering she dosent even have a driving license.

Nobody in the family was happy when she announced her pregnancy as everyone knew how it would kind of play out.

The 18 year old nephew would love to have custody of his sister but he is still at college and is in the process of applying for a council flat as he has said that he dosent want to live with his mum.
He really is such a lovely kind hearted boy and I feel so sorry for him.

I honestly doubt the 18yo who is effectively leaving care, even if it was gran who was a kinship carer, could be a good choice.

He needs to be able to live his own life and get on his own two feet without having the responsibility of caring for his little sister.

I know lots of young adults do cope with children in their teens but many also rely on family support.
I doubt he'll have enough family support to care for her effectively and give her the best start in life.

Not to mention issues as he naturally wants to meet a partner of his own. Or go out with friends and be a young adult himself.

Op you have to purely make the decision for yourself can you become a carer for the baby. Forget who else might be able to do it. The question is can you & DP do it?

So she wants to keep baby but can’t look after her alone

so expects her family to look after /help how excatly ?

money ? Looking after baby ?

if none of you helped her what would happen ?

baby gets adopted /taken into care as assume ss will be all over mum