Page 31 | OH wants custody of baby niece?

milkshakess · 2026-05-08T09:55:03+00:00

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care. She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8. She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad. Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy. From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby. I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged? Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping. OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him. OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son. Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd). OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job. Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 09/05/2026 09:44

The mother doesn’t actually want to have the baby adopted, but she can play Mummy when it suits her, apparently.

And everyone has to indulge her, so the rest of the family look after the baby when it’s ‘too much’.

Well, fuck that. If she wants to pass the baby around like a hairbrush, she wouldn’t be passing the baby to me.

Surely, SS won’t be ok with any of that?

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:44

Binus · 09/05/2026 09:42

Here is a link to a search result for 'Binus' and 'babysitting'. For anyone who CBA to click, the number is 0.

https://www.mumsnet.com/search/advanced#/?query=babysitting&username=binus&type=all&page=1&sort=_search

I don't know who you're thinking of, but it's not me. Not that babysitting is akin to taking responsibility for a newborn anyway.

Not to worry though, there's a special, not secret option which isn't the OP or a woman who might be nearly 90 by the time the baby hits adulthood. It's people outside the family sorting this out. Like, you know, Social Services.

And again, I note your failure to come up with a reason why a punishment placement with a retiree is in the baby's interests.

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Stop wibbling on a lot of garbage. Loads of grandparents adopt and you have always been in favour of grandparents being used for childcare when it suited you.

The baby has relatives who can sort out the care. OP doesn't want to.

So that's that.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 09/05/2026 09:47

Booboobagins · 09/05/2026 09:06

You don't mention your emotional attachment at all to your nephew or niece. Why?

If you can afford it and this poor baby may end up in care, do it. Your DP and you need to determine how childcare will be managed.

But aim worried you are emotionless, so may not be the right person to bring this child up.

You also don't mention your DCs so I assume you have none.

I have absolutely no emotional attachments to my husband’s siblings children.
I wouldn’t care if i never saw any of them again, to be honest.

I’m not sure if that’s unusual, or I’m just cold.
I dunno.

Binus · 09/05/2026 09:47

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:44

Stop wibbling on a lot of garbage. Loads of grandparents adopt and you have always been in favour of grandparents being used for childcare when it suited you.

The baby has relatives who can sort out the care. OP doesn't want to.

So that's that.

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Are you still under the influence from last night? There is a search function people can actually use, you know.

I must admit, I didn't realise this thread was going to progress to inventing entire conversations people have never had and punishment octagenarian childcare only 750 posts in. The aww go on adopt her I haven't read the OPs posts brigade were probably inevitable, but this was genuinely unpredictable.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:51

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StrictlyCoffee · 09/05/2026 09:56

Is it the OH’s mum who brought up the nephew, or his other nan?

if OH’s mum, do people really think she should do it all again for another 18 years? Hasn’t she done enough?

Binus · 09/05/2026 09:57

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What a vivid interior life you have. Invention of alter egos for posters who say something you don't like, but obviously you can't post any links to back that up. I expect we don't know them because they go to a different school, eh?

Anyway, back in the real world, it's not a binary choice between OP and an elderly woman. Fortunately. Thinking an elderly woman should take on care of a baby because it serves her right shows no concern at all for the baby's welfare.

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 10:00

I have an adult child with a disability. My 'right to a life of my own' doesn't matter since she needs care. Does it involve sacrifices, of course, but that's sometimes how the cards fall when you have a child. If my DD has a child, she will have to live with me so she can parent her child with my support. Too bad if I'm planning on living overseas. I stay here and support her and my grandchild, even if I'm 80. Life doesn't always follow the course we thought it would or wanted it to. Best for my grandchild would be supporting her mother to raise her with support.

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 10:01

StrictlyCoffee · 09/05/2026 09:56

Is it the OH’s mum who brought up the nephew, or his other nan?

if OH’s mum, do people really think she should do it all again for another 18 years? Hasn’t she done enough?

The same nan.
Shes raised at least 4 kids of her own, the baby's mum, ops DP and brothers (plural so at least 2)
The nephew / babies half brother.

I also think shes done enough and probably know more than any of us raising kids isn't easy without taking on another 18 year commitment.
And actually its more than 18 years, few kids actually leave home at 18 or are in any way independent, even at uni they still need family support.

UKToddler3738292 · 09/05/2026 10:02

Binus · 09/05/2026 09:05

Again, the grandmother is in her 60s. You can't moralise an elderly person into being capable of 18 years further parenting work. Quite how anyone thinks that would be in the best interests of the baby is also bemusing. It is a really shit idea.

Your last three paragraphs make a different point, and are much more sensible. I don't know why you want to tie them to a suggestion of putting a pensioner in charge of a two decade commitment. There is a lot of cheek being shown towards OP here, albeit it's possible OH hasn't given an accurate account to his siblings.

But the reality is that it might not be possible for the baby to stay within the family. There's no iron law saying that will automatically be possible.

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@Binus I don't think it's the best idea for the poor grandmother to take on the baby, no. But I get the sense the grandma is part of the family members putting pressure to keep this baby in the family. And frankly, if she's so adamant that this baby is not taken away from her incapable and irresponsible daughter, she can take the baby on herself.

Binus · 09/05/2026 10:08

UKToddler3738292 · 09/05/2026 10:02

@Binus I don't think it's the best idea for the poor grandmother to take on the baby, no. But I get the sense the grandma is part of the family members putting pressure to keep this baby in the family. And frankly, if she's so adamant that this baby is not taken away from her incapable and irresponsible daughter, she can take the baby on herself.

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Well no, it's still not a good idea for a sixtysomething to be taking on that role for a newborn. The baby isn't a punishment and again, it's not possible to moralise someone in their 60s into being a safe bet for the next 18 years. If you're right and DGM is trying to pressure OP, the solution to that problem is her shutting the fuck up. There isn't actually a mechanism whereby having a fucking cheek also makes a person a good bet for a long term caring role. The two things need to be separated out.

Scout2016 · 09/05/2026 10:10

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 09/05/2026 09:44

The mother doesn’t actually want to have the baby adopted, but she can play Mummy when it suits her, apparently.

And everyone has to indulge her, so the rest of the family look after the baby when it’s ‘too much’.

Well, fuck that. If she wants to pass the baby around like a hairbrush, she wouldn’t be passing the baby to me.

Surely, SS won’t be ok with any of that?

"The mother" is real person, a woman with enduring mental health difficulties who has been sectioned several times.
She might not ultimately be assessed as a suitable parent but she still deserves some empathy.

The proposal of OP's family is also to pass baby round. They swoop in to take her child off her and all take turns having her for a bit, rather than pull together to help her keep the baby in her care.

The 18 year old was also due to live with his mother when gran moved abroad, so there must be something stable about her.

MeridianB · 09/05/2026 10:14

I would take the 18yo in rather than see all your MIL’s amazing years of parenting go to waste by sending him back to a mother who is no more able to support him now than she was a decade.

Can one of DH’a siblings take the baby initially for a year or two until nephew is better set up?

ReallyOtter · 09/05/2026 10:15

milkshakess · 08/05/2026 21:40

So SIL was under the care of the mental health team during her pregnancy.

She had to be induced and then it was decided that it would be best for her to remain in hospital with the baby as the mental health team were liaising with the council into getting her settled as she was moving into a brand new house.

Concerns were noted and observed by the midwives in the hospital.
The baby and SIL are still in hospital with MIL visiting every day along side her son.

There at various organisations involved already and they are looking to see if anyone can take the baby.

With the nephew, she wasn't a very good mum to him, would neglect him, leave him with his nan for days to go out drinking etc.

When he was 8 his nan became responsible for him and she has dipped in and out of his life.

She took loans out in her mum's name and went off to New York for 3 months when he was 11 and didn't even call to check how he was.

Nephew has turned out into such an amazingly kind and smart young man. He is at college and has done so well BUT he has no parental figure in his life and he says this a lot to OH and me.

He tells OH that he is like his dad and OH will give him money, buy him stuff and take him out for food etc every week.

I am really torn and I know when I see the baby that I will want to keep her as I won't be able to face her getting put in care.

Before I had kids I had 5 cats, and I was adamant that I didn't want any more.

Then one day a little kitten came to my front door after being dumped by someone after Xmas and she would come every day following me around and I kept her in my greenhouse, insulated it and made it her home until I got her vaccinated, checked for FIV and when she was spayed she stayed in my bedroom to recover.

We took her to Cats Protection with the intent on having her rehomed but I didn't have the heart to say goodbye and I think this will end up happening with this baby.

But as others have pointed out I would want the baby to raise as my own and now have SIL dip in and out as she does with her son.
That would both be stressful and unfair.

I will know more weekend as we are going with MIL to the hospital.

@milkshakess nephew saying he has no parental figure to you and your DP is him treating you like parents. Well done 🥰
ETA that level of intimacy and trust, and even the doubt about having Proper Parents, is like how children talk to parent figures x

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 10:19

MeridianB · 09/05/2026 10:14

I would take the 18yo in rather than see all your MIL’s amazing years of parenting go to waste by sending him back to a mother who is no more able to support him now than she was a decade.

Can one of DH’a siblings take the baby initially for a year or two until nephew is better set up?

Are you honestly proposing that a baby is placed with someone, attachments made then disrupted when her brother whos only just out of school can take her on.

Thats a bonkers suggestion.
Two screwed up kids.

The child would be better being taken into care and adopted than that.

RoseField1 · 09/05/2026 10:31

MeridianB · 09/05/2026 10:14

I would take the 18yo in rather than see all your MIL’s amazing years of parenting go to waste by sending him back to a mother who is no more able to support him now than she was a decade.

Can one of DH’a siblings take the baby initially for a year or two until nephew is better set up?

You think a 20 year old should take on care of their 2 year old sibling? Really??

StrictlyCoffee · 09/05/2026 10:34

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 10:00

I have an adult child with a disability. My 'right to a life of my own' doesn't matter since she needs care. Does it involve sacrifices, of course, but that's sometimes how the cards fall when you have a child. If my DD has a child, she will have to live with me so she can parent her child with my support. Too bad if I'm planning on living overseas. I stay here and support her and my grandchild, even if I'm 80. Life doesn't always follow the course we thought it would or wanted it to. Best for my grandchild would be supporting her mother to raise her with support.

None of this means the nan in this situation has, or should feel that she has, any obligation to take in the baby.

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 10:36

StrictlyCoffee · 09/05/2026 10:34

None of this means the nan in this situation has, or should feel that she has, any obligation to take in the baby.

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Of course not, but neither should anyone else feel that way, including OP.

StrictlyCoffee · 09/05/2026 10:36

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 10:36

Of course not, but neither should anyone else feel that way, including OP.

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Agreed

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 10:42

Binus · 09/05/2026 09:09

The poster who said it was better for everyone evidently did. Alternatively they should make clear from their language that 'everyone' doesn't include the grandmother. It's not likely it's even best for the baby.

Why do you think a retiree taking on an 18 year commitment that there's a decent chance they won't even survive long enough to complete is better for the baby whose care you appear to want to use as some kind of moral lesson? It's not a binary choice between OP and a woman who'll potentially be in her 80s by the time the baby turns 18.

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many many years ago I saw a situation where this happened. It did not end well for anyone.

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 10:45

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 10:00

I have an adult child with a disability. My 'right to a life of my own' doesn't matter since she needs care. Does it involve sacrifices, of course, but that's sometimes how the cards fall when you have a child. If my DD has a child, she will have to live with me so she can parent her child with my support. Too bad if I'm planning on living overseas. I stay here and support her and my grandchild, even if I'm 80. Life doesn't always follow the course we thought it would or wanted it to. Best for my grandchild would be supporting her mother to raise her with support.

no one is guaranteed life to 80 or even life beyond this moment. Does your disabled daughter have a plan that doesn't rely on you?

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 10:46

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 10:45

no one is guaranteed life to 80 or even life beyond this moment. Does your disabled daughter have a plan that doesn't rely on you?

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Yes, I'm only early 50s but her future is secured financially and care wise. All legally done with a lawyer and all.

PoppinjayPolly · 09/05/2026 10:48

RoseField1 · 09/05/2026 10:31

You think a 20 year old should take on care of their 2 year old sibling? Really??

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It’s quite baffling how posters are coming up with more and more bizzare scenarios!
maybe the op could just share a bedroom with her OH and their 2 dc -or her dc could move to ops parents-and take on responsibility for the baby, the 18 yo and of course space for Granny when she needs care?… of course she would be absolutely HEARTLESS AND COLD (is it?) to not take this on,.. it’s what faaammmily do innit!

n.b absolutely definitely do NOT entertain this @milkshakess !!

Zov · 09/05/2026 11:07

PoppinjayPolly · 09/05/2026 10:48

It’s quite baffling how posters are coming up with more and more bizzare scenarios!
maybe the op could just share a bedroom with her OH and their 2 dc -or her dc could move to ops parents-and take on responsibility for the baby, the 18 yo and of course space for Granny when she needs care?… of course she would be absolutely HEARTLESS AND COLD (is it?) to not take this on,.. it’s what faaammmily do innit!

n.b absolutely definitely do NOT entertain this @milkshakess !!

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Yep, this! 😆It is rather annoying and frustrating though, that some people CBA to read the full thread, or even just reading the OP's posts would do!

Scout2016 · 09/05/2026 11:23

IF social services are involved and IF they are scoping out possible alternative carers they would consider anyone over 18, so baby's brother could have a degree of assessment if he wanted to. How far it would get and in what capacity is another matter. But I do know of 18 year old siblings being assessed.