OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

If you can’t see my first comment was ridiculous / satirical piss take that’s on you 🙈 Previous posters suggested she could swap out her 3rd baby for the niece like she’s trading/ exchanging a Christmas gift. I thought the satire was obvious by the “ffs”.
I think things get lost on here.

If you agree to this and it happens, make sure you legally get PR through the courts. Last thing you want to do is raise your DN as your own and then after years of love and care you find out you legally have zero rights to her care when someone decides to be in her life again.

If you were planning a third would this adoption be the third and finish, or would you still go for a third of your own? Seems like you want a biggish family anyway so why not in a way. Having her from a baby and being closely related she should fit in easily. If you don't want to adopt this baby it may be quite difficult for your OH (and your relationship) if she ends up in care or adopted outside the family, there would be a lot of guilt and regret going around.

I would only do this if I could adopt in the long-term. This is something I have thought about - SIL is an alcoholic and her son nearly went into care, in fact he lived with his grandparents for a year (too old to look after him beyond that). I personally (however it may sound) wasn't prepared to take him in if she kept taking him back and forth. I would've had to be the main parent, giving it my all, just to get shouted and screamed at. The only way I thought I could do it was if it were permanent.

Luckily she was able to turn things around, but I think we might have had to say no. It is NOT an easy decision.

Surely if you are wanting a third baby anyway then this is a no brainer. You want third baby, baby already here needs loving parents.

Can people please stop suggesting OP adopts this child? That isn't an option, no adoption agency would go with that.

Special Guardianship or another order might be an option but things aren't at that stage yet.

If mum wants to keep the baby services will look to assess her and support that. If it goes to court it could run for months if not years because specialist assessments need doing such as from mental health professionals. 18 years ago as a teenager she was a different person.

Paternal family need to be considered too.

A child can not be passed round the houses like family propose. It's disgraceful. If you all want to help then help this mum to raise her child, not someone else to. Literally work out who can offer what and if that will be enough.

Thats a great suggestion. After 18 pages no one has thought to say that!

Honest to god🙈

You said you would like a girl. Why not adopt this baby not just care for the child instead of having a third baby.

Cancel the cheque, @Nicknacky!

I’m a bit confused on timelines. The baby is 5 weeks old and still in hospital with the mum so they can “assess”? if I’ve got that wrong is the mother at home with the baby?

Aaaaaaannnnd another one.

So your partner is asking if you want her baby when she wants to keep her baby and support with that?

My first instinct was that you take the baby on as you wanted a third any way.

The only way I wouldn’t take it on would be if I chose not to have kids or my kids were grown up and I didn’t want to do it all again.

However, you have 2 young ones already and want a third - so you are in the perfect position.

However, she either needs to hand over full parental responsibility or none at all.
She doesn’t get to pick and choose how much she’s involved.

Shes really annoyed me.
I was younger than her when she had her first and raised my DC alone with no support from the dad or any of my family etc.
It’s shocking that she isn’t fully involved with her eldest and she’s already saying she can’t cope with the youngest!

At her big age she should be able to cope.
Babies are incredibly difficult but then you ask for support, you don’t expect people to raise your child for you.

She chose to have this baby and it’s unfair that she isn’t stepping up.

I assume the dad is refusing to help?

again its not a puppy that you can hand back to the breeder because you changed your mind....and wanting a biological third child is NOT the same as adopting or taking on a guardianship

I know "you said you'd like a puppy, have this one"

The baby going into care initially is not necessarily a bad thing, while her future is decided, likewise being adopted outside of the family might be best for the baby, even if its hard for the rest of the family. Adoption within the family is always tricky - you will have to navigate the complexities of his mother being around and watching her child being raised by a woman who is actually a stranger - obviously you are known to her but it's different to your mum raising your child. I think you need to ask clear questions. What does he mean by get custody - is he talking about legal adoption and has the mum agreed? What about the baby's father and his side of the family - have they agreed to this? The last thing you want is to explain to your DC why their 'baby sister' has been taken away. You are not married, so is he planning to adopt alone? Your DH and his brothers didn't help to raise your nephew, they might have been present in his life but his grandmother raised him. I think that everyone is looking at the nephew and how he has turned out despite the circumstances, and assuming that this will be smooth sailing.

If you all want to help then help this mum to raise her child, not someone else to. Literally work out who can offer what and if that will be enough.

As @Scout2016 said, why not just all make a plan of how you can support her.

The siblings can work out a timetable of when they can each help and support her that way.

As the child gets older, they can decrease the amount of help they give her.

Obviously this may impact time with their in DCs but not as much as having the baby FT.

aaaand again RTFT FFS

That would need the agreement of SS.

If you don’t want to bring another child into you family, to raise them as your own alongside your own DC, then don’t. But you do want another child if you are trying for a third. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them. Equally though your DH is entitled to feel that you shouldn’t have a third that you say you can’t cope with.

Have you read the thread and all the challenges involved with caring for a baby in the mother’s set up?

It isn't about coping is it though.
Babies are NOT interchangeable fgs, op wants her own baby, her own biological, home grown baby which is entirely valid.

Where is the baby now? Are social workers actually involved and if so in what capacity? For example is the child on a child protection plan? Or are the social workers for mum, as a vulnerable adult?

Out of interest, if maternal gran has sold up to move abroad where was 18 year old nephew going to live?

I assume they must already be doing this? Reading the thread again I think they have been out of hospital for 3 weeks now so is the baby with the mum and who is helping now?

Everybody saying they will help by 'taking turns to have niece at their houses' might make you all feel better but that is not the most stable situation for the child. She won't be a little baby for ever, what happens when she's a toddler or small child - I know you all mean well but perhaps people need to read up on attachment theory. You got lucky with your nephew, so far. The trauma of being abandoned by his parents might not have surfaced yet.