OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Would you not consider niece instead of baby number 3? You have 2 children already and a family member who may need a home….

As a pp has said upthread, this may seem 'way too simplistic' - but I do have
experience of a very similar situation within my extended family. Difference was, the baby was related to the woman's side of the family and, for her, it was a no brainer. I wonder if OP might feel differently if the child was related to her by blood. I think it would sway the scales a little at least.

As it is, of course op's heart has to be in it.

Yep and people can forget the promises they made when it’s easy to tell yourself that the adults in the house can take care of the baby/child.

this.

Welcome a bit of ‘read the full thread’ into your family!

True. From the description OP gives, the nephew has had one consistent parental figure/caregiver in DGM, which is likely a protective factor and which nobody seems to think would be the case here.

But it sounds like SIL has always intended to do more parenting than she did this time round. Which is why even in saying she can't cope, she still wants lots of help rather than a replacement parent.

@milkshakess I would and probably not try for a 3rd baby but only if the following happened: we legally adopted the baby and she would be mine on case there was a divorce/custody battle at some point. No way i would raise and love and give my heart to a baby that could be taken away from me if a situation changes.
Is the baby healthy? Thats is also a big consideration.

This wouldn't be for me.

If a 37 year old wants to have a baby fine, but there's no way my OH let alone the 37 year old would be telling me they will be needing help to bring it up and I'm part of that chosen help.

It's all very well your OH saying he'll take 3 months off, he needs to look past that and take out the fact that you'll be up for taking the next 18 years of care on.
Sounds like the DC will be passed from one family member to the next, that's no life for anyone to lead.

Don't be pushed into being a carer for someone elses DC with the possibility of being dictated to about the why's and therefore's of how she should be taken care of.

Why isn't the baby's father looking after his child ???

This is 100% what I was thinking. A glorified baby sitter just about sums it up with a "mother" calling the shots from the sidelines.

You will have ALL the work with none of the benefits of having a daughter.

What if they can't afford 4 children, or don't have the room. Should OP give up her plans for another child of her own?

You need to be honest with your OH, this is something both of you need to be fully onboard with for it to work, and he would need to be prepared to do the bulk of everything.
I was in a similar situation, my brother's girlfriend was pregnant and the baby was going to be removed at birth and I was asked by the social worker if I would take him in. After considering it very hard I decided I couldn't it - its not the same as raising your own child, its a lot more difficult and the baby would inevitably have trauma from a difficult start in life which can bring all kinds of issues as they grow up (and in my case I was in a different country so the baby would have zero potential contact with siblings)

Yep. It would be interesting also to know that the LA think of this rota plan.

rom what happened with SIL's first child is that she gave custody to their mum and she basically dipped in and out of his life, she is more like a mate to him than a mother.
Her child see's his nan as his mum.
So if we were to take on the niece SIL would no doubt want to dip in and out as it suits her.
OH's siblings have said they will all chip in I.take turns in having the niece at their house.

That would worry me TBH everyone having a hand in raising and a view ie undermining you as parents.

However it is up to you - if you can manage that or make it clear where everyone stands from the start and enforce it- not just warm words to put pressure on you.

I'd also worry any interest could lead to some serious sibling rivalry with your existing kids - or rest of family suddenly deciding they can parent them as well.

If you do it - I'd suggest you get some legal advice so custody - PR is yours and not the birth mum's - and refused to be undermined by anyone from word go.

I think this has the potential to go really bad - but that's based on my family who say one thing do another and has people who have to be in charge even when that's absurd.

For what it's worth, and maybe not a whole lot as different circumstances, but my parents had the choice to raise their niece (my cousin), and opted not to. I only found out about my cousin as a late teen. I was then, and still am shocked by their callousness. It's one of many things I couldn't forgive them for. Said cousin was adopted by strangers and moved to the other side of the world. We have zero ineraction with her, although she did reach out at one point to try and forge some familial bonds. I'm not saying you should do it, but do think about the long term implications and how it could all play out later down the line.

I agree with this. Chances are the mother would want control of what happens with the child whilst taking no responsibility at all.

Whose relative was she, your mum's or your dad's? Who would have had to do the bulk of care?

Why do you judge your parents for something that happened when you weren't in a position to help?

Have you now adopted a child in need to make up for their callousness?

What were the long term implications for you and your cousin?

OP, You say this in your first post:

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

So no other relatives could take on the baby because they already have children, but are they conveniently forgetting that you also have children, or are they thinking you’re a soft touch?

Op the only way I'd do it would be if you were to become the legal parents of the child, ie adoption.

Anything less than adoption leaves you exposed to splitting up and not being able to see the child you've raised.

I would not have her getting passed around family or treated like Harry Potter housed reluctantly.
If you don't think you can love her like your other children say No.

She did. She said that he took 3 months off work when the children were born.

You cannot blame people for not being willing to adopt a child.
Its better a child goes to a family who want them than to be raised reluctantly by people who treat them differently to their biological children.

What a heartbreaking situation.

I suspect the grandmother who raised OP OH and his siblings including the birth mother has enough status and respect to get listened to regarding the first child because she raised them.

I don't know if OP will have that - and that where I think it could cause fall outs and nastyness in whole wider familiy.

There was a few years ago a prominent poster who did a kinship carer role - they saw it was going to be a flit in and out situation and went down legal route to get stablity entire family turned on them - and they had a huge number of SS meetings which took no account of rest of their lives - work, illness other kids. The poster didn't regret it but it was the ideal many mangaged.

So again I'd go to the adoption boards and ask there - some posters here have done it but I think the advice there will be more informed - the good the bad the pit falls.

How is he going to take 3 months off with this baby since his sister wants to keep her and doesn't seem to want to give up her parental rights?