OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Aah, so you're all talk and no trouser, then. Just as I thought.

I'm sure we're all just devastated that you, the great moral arbiter, think we're abhorrent. (Not really.)

I wouldn’t.

So angry and defensive. 👆

if your conscience is clear and you are at peace with your choices then you should be confident in them

Great, so how should her OH take all of this childcare on whilst working?

I’ve never suggested she should.

I said he. How should he make this work?

Not angry or defensive in the slightest. Don’t flatter yourself that you’re that relevant. Have a nice day.

Your marriage is screwed. He takes custody and you will grow resentful. You say no and he will resent you.

why doesn’t he want the baby adopted into a loving home?

That’s for OP and her DH to work out. They already have two children and were planning a third. Presumably they know how to manage and balance childcare and work.

Actually, I'd happily take in a baby niece or nephew because I don't want to go through pregnancy again, but wouldn't be 100% against having another child. It would be very fulfilling, and worth making it work...but only because I want it, given my very specific situation.

Fifteen years ago, before I'd completed my family? I wouldn't have done it, and I wouldn't have felt bad about it either. So no, I'm not angry and defensive, I've just got no time for your hypocritical nonsense.

The OP is not in a situation where taking on her partner's niece is something that feels right for her, and there's absolutely nothing cold about that.

And yet your posts are angry and defensive.

Why doesn’t OP want to provide a loving home for the baby?

they are not married

Because he believes they can be that loving home.

Children do best with family.

And it's not a given the baby will be up for adoption. They could end up back and forth from foster care to mum to foster care.

I think you're mistaking distaste for anger and defensiveness.

I don't know what I'd do in these circs, I really don't AND before you say it, I know divorces happen, but this couple are not married....what would happen if the relationship broke up?

Why not adopt this baby instead of having your own baby? You’ve already got 2 of your own. This child could be your third.

You clearly don't want to look after this baby so you need to tell your husband immediately. You're assuming all the care will fall on you. If that's what happens now why the hell are you having another one since you're complaining about it?

Well I'd assume OP is happy to make sacrifices to her finances and career for her 9wn baby. Are you suggesting she should be expected to also do that for an unrelated child?

Taking this child on is also between OP and her OH, but you were vocal on your opinons of that, so surely you also have an opinion on HOW?

If it was me I would agree to adopt the baby, make her part of the family and reconsider having baby number 3 because she already exists, she needs someone to look after her and I wouldn't want her to end up in care.
But it has to be something you want to do and feel able to do. If you have reservations make them clear and don't agree to something's you feel you can't do because in the long run that wouldn't help anyone

FFS the number of people on this thread who think babies are like puppies "You were going to look into getting a puppy, why not have this one?"

But I have a feeling that if they'd been told their baby would be swapped at birth with a random baby, they'd have complained! It's ridiculous.

There's no 'presumably'. Nothing OP has written suggests they'd know how to balance kinship care of a young baby and work. You're guessing.

Kinship care of a baby doesn't attract paid maternity or paternity leave, whereas the two previous children likely did, so there's no guarantee of being able to take paid leave. Can't presume they'd be able to cope without that.

The baby is also currently below the free childcare hours age, and it's questionable whether any facility will take her, and obviously below school age. At least one of OP and DPs DC must be old enough for free childcare, which raises the possibility that the family rely on that provision financially. Again, can't presume they'd be able to cope without that.