OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

This baby will not be the op's baby and she will know that, she will always be aware that she is not the op's child. No matter how loved she is she will live with the knowledge that she has been abandoned by her birth parents. There is also the issue of her birth parents bobbing in and out, that could cause huge trauma for her and of course op. I have witnessed it, its heartbreaking. Adoption is not an easy process and not without pitfalls, most people undertake it because they are childless and often desperate for a child. On top of this the op may mourn the loss of the third birth child she wanted and expected to have, this baby cannot replace that child, babies are not interchangeable. I am not saying that op shouldn't do it, but anyone who cannot see that this is a huge undertaking hasn't a clue.

I wouldn't say replace, more that could the OP explore if the baby could actually be baby number three.

If I were OP and I was open to that, I would want to be married and have a formal adoption though - you can't open your heart to loving a baby as your own if there's the risk you might have it taken from you.

And she wants a third biological child. So what?

I hope all the posters who are saying 'one baby is much like another' would be happy to have their baby taken off them at birth, and then be given a 'lucky dip' from a selection of newborns. After all, they're all the same, right?

Seriously though, OP, given that you wanted to have another baby of your own, you're not even married to this man, the mother is still in the picture, and you're not fully enthusiastic about the idea of taking this difficult path...don't do it. It won't turn out well if you're not 110% into it.

Ask your DP how he'd feel and what he'd do if you both decided to take the baby on because of him pressuring you, and then thanks to complications you couldn't take the stress, and left him with the baby, as well as shared custody of your two. Taking on his sister's baby could jeopardise your relationship and your children's futures in a multitude of ways, and might just make things more complicated for the baby in the end.

I think this is worth quoting again. Life isn't a soap opera or a hallmark movie.

Aluna, several posters have literally said it was a no brainer. I know it is hard to imagine someone being this glib about a complex situation involving a traumatised baby separated from her mother.

YY to this. And even then it may not be the right thing for you.

She'd be adopted by people who desperately want a child; who have planned and hoped to adopt a child for a long time and who have been assessed and approved as adopters. It's not as if by not taking her in they will be leaving her to grow up in a Victorian orphanage.

I wouldn’t either, if that’s cold so be it. I don’t really care.

Not to mention the fact that they are removing the baby for a reason.

Are drugs/alcohol involved? This would likely mean that baby was exposed to them during pregnancy and could lead to developmental issues as she grows.

It sounds like the sister will attempt to flit in and out of her life as she has done with her son. Is she going to cause drama?

How is this all going to effect their current children? They need to be considered too.

How many children have you adopted?

Um, not necessarily. "Ending up in care" is not the same as being freed up for adoption. It could mean a succession of foster placements.

Two. One biological, one foster but going through adoption process as the mum died of heroin overdose.

Neither am I which is why if it was in my family I wouldn’t inconvenience me or my family to take the baby in. However I do also understand that there’s a big difference between parenting a birth child to adoption

I would do it if 1. We kept on with ttc, 2. We were married and 3. Oh really demonstrated he will be pulling his weight. Coming home, diving straight into it and getting dinner on with 3 or 4 young dc and babies while you disappear to do some work or go for a walk. It’s intense, and he can’t count on you to be giving 200% all day every day while he comes home and chips in. Chipping in won’t cut it. Getting the next days meal prepped at 9pm after cleaning up dinner and then folding some washing is what cuts it.

Again, I don’t really care what people like you think. Very easy to have “values” and virtue signal about how wonderful you are when it’s a hypothetical situation that doesn’t affect you. I’m just open that I have no desire whatsoever to cause upheaval to me, my existing children, or my financial situation to take in a child with a lot of baggage. My priorities are to my existing children and our situation. I bet in real life if you were honest you wouldn’t take the baby in either 😄

And how many children have you adopted or fostered? At least a dozen, I hope, with that attitude. And it doesn't matter if they're related or not - we've already established that biological relation doesn't make a difference (as OP isn't related), and besides, they're all children in need of a loving home.

Or are you, too, dreadfully 'cold'?

I would go ahead with baby no. 3. It's your dream. Has anyone else in the family got three already? If not, then you're less likely to be in the frame for this, AND you fulfil your dream. Win-win!

If, however, this still falls on you....you'll then be a household of four children. The question is, how do you feel about that?

Bear in mind that it's totally possible you might end up loving the baby niece as much as your own kids.

Is it at all possible that his mum could take her?

Yes but the first step for any child in care is to be assessed to see if there are any family members who can care for them, before being put up for adoption by non-related parents. So likely OH will be approached and asked, so it's super important to be on the same page.

The first thing to discuss is by taking her in does trying for your third come off the table?

I think this will colour the way you feel about taking her in and everything else. If you end up with the lion share of work (and you will) everyone else in the family should contribute - take her for a day or contribute money because you are doing them all a huge favour.

The family looks after family line will be trotted out but if no-one else will step in it more about when it suits people.

it’s your decision and maybe your nephew can help but this is a massive undertaking and you should have a lot of well informed conversations with DH and the wider family.

Oh I see you amended after I had started to reply, cute.

I’ve managed to successfully raise my own two children, one to adulthood and one to the cusp thereof, so again I’ll treat your opinion with the respect it deserves, ie none.

I don't actually think values even need to come into it.

What OP should or shouldn't feel doesn't really come into this discussion because the hard reality is her feelings are what they are, and the most important thing for the child is that the feelings are acknowledged and truthful - whether that be that OP would love to have her join the family, or whether she feels she can't embrace that situation.

Feigning the "right" attitude, whatever that might be, simply isn't going to cut it.

Are you crazy?

Really? Just the 1 after all that judgey preaching? Are you married and financially secure?