OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Yes this.

I wouldn't want to do it either, but I think I would come around to the view that there wasn't really much choice, and throw myself into parenting the child and embracing her into the family to the best of my ability, in much the same way as a surprise preganancy. It feels like a disaster at the time, but you still love and care for the child.

If OP can't or doesn't want to do that, then she should say so now, but in her DH's shoes, I wouldn't be having a 3rd baby with her.

Great. So if they were to split, shes left financially ruined, and likely with custody of a child that isn't even hers and she didnt want. But hey, at least a man can feel good about himself.

Couldn't she be baby number 3?

“No brainer” does indeed spring to mind - although not in quite the same context…

OP, I'd be rather annoyed that my partner wants to do this by offering up my labour. If he wants to do this, HE needs to make compromises, not just sit back and expect you to facilitate it. How does he expect you to work whilst caring for a baby? Why is it your responsibility to make further sacrifices to your career when you don't even have the security of marriage?

I think, op, this paragraph has a lot of the relevant issues raised.

But in order to tackle these sorts of issues, you need to be totally honest with your DH. Otherwise it is just confusing to him: "we can manage another baby but I'm also saying we can't manage another; I can't see how a baby would work, and yet we are trying for another." These are deeply mixed and somewhat nonsensical statements in as far as they go.

You need to be explicit about what you are really meaning. From there you can consider options that may work. Would you be happy to have a fourth child in the home if there was a redivision of childcare between you and DH? Would you be happy for this to be a third and final if you go back to work and he takes on the role you have held thus far?

I think a key issue here is he feels differently about the child because he is related. That is awkward to voice for you, but you do need to be honest. From there you and DH can work through the options.

You just have missed the part that she has two biological children already.

I’m from one of those communities you would describe as ‘tribal’ and I can see lots of pitfalls here.

• taking in the baby long term without any rights for OP risks her heart getting broken should the baby’s mum or the other uncles want the baby back one day
• If baby isn’t adopted, the OP will have zero parental rights should she and OH split
• Adopting a baby in the same family means there will be other adults who will always want a say in the baby’s upbringing so there would need to be clear boundaries. We already know the uncles are heavily involved

It’s not a no go, but I think the people telling people it’s a no brainer and that hell would freeze over before they let their OH’s niece be adopted by another family are being overly simplistic.

How would it not work if you want another baby anyway? I don’t understand

Babies almost never stay as looked after children long term. If they are placed with family as their permanency plan it is usually under a special guardianship order. It's very similar to adoption but does not sever the legal relationship between child and parent.

If he wants custody of the baby then he needs to be willing to take the leave and care for his niece. It isn't fair to be all for basically adopting the baby but expecting you to do the majority of the work.

I wouldn't be prepared to do it and would be making it very clear. OP, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. It's ok to not want to do it.

How many children do you have and how many of them were adopted?

There is absolutely no need for FFS anywhere in this thread unless it's towards the posters who think OP should just swap out her hoped for 3rd child for this baby and that essentially adopting a baby with no notice or desire to adopt is a no brainer and anyone raising any concerns is a cold hearted bitch...

I suspect if it was your sister you would do it. Your OH seems like a good man

Yes, I thought that too. What’s ‘FFS’ about looking at nuance to help OP have a meaningful discussion about with it with her OH.

I’m sure we’d all love to exhort someone to clutch this little soul to your bosom, but life isn’t that simple.

I can’t believe how many people are saying ‘it could replace baby 3’. Really? So when you were planning to have a baby you would all have happily accepted to foster a baby instead, with parents who could potentially come back into her life at any time?

I remember when it took me years to conceive how hurtful it was people were saying that we could adopt instead (always coming from people with bio children of course).

This poor child needs a home, or goes into care. It’s a very tough decision, but would you really have her go into care if you could look after her? Not a simple question, or simple answer but one you and your family should consider surely. Leaving her to go into care sounds so harsh (says me, who doesn’t have to do it).

Two thoughts on this.

• I'd never allow a niece or nephew of mine to go into care if I could prevent it. I would always take them in. But I'm a single mum who raised my ds alone while working full time and I'm used to making it work.

• I understand your OH wanting to take on his niece but he needs to understand that means he must adapt, find a flexible job or pay for full time child care himself. He can't expect you to take on an unrelated (to you) child.

As am I, half.

• I don’t think it would ever be advisable to take on a child in Western society on an informal footing. Usually SS advises Special Guardianship Orders or Child Arrangement Orders
• Legal adoption within families is quite rare in the U.K.
• I don’t think anyone has said it’s a no brainer, more that some would be open to it and some wouldn’t.
• However strongly OP feels against, her DH may feel equally strongly for and that problem will not easily resolve.

You need to be 100% on board with the decision. You can’t half heartedly take a baby on. You need to have your full heart in it for the child’s sake.

Yes, it's incredibly naive.

This is a very different proposal to a couple having a third biological child together. If OP and DP do decide to put themselves forward for kinship care, it's in everyone's interests that they fully understand just how different it is.

If he was such a good man, he would be making sure to get the guardianship leave/adoption leave himself and take on the responsibility for his niece.

It's easy to volunteer to take in someone else's baby when you won't be the one doing the majority of the work.

if you think you will not feel like her mother and don’t want to adopt her/ get custody then it’s clearly best to be honest and not go down that route.
A sad situation all round. I hope this little baby grows up in a happy loving home whatever the solution is.

So if its was her sister and OP was asking her other half to raise this baby by sacrificing his own career and providing all the childcare, what do you think he'd say? Would OP be a good woman for making this generous 'offer'?

If I was in your position OP before I even gave any consideration to fostering/ adopting this child that your DP wants custody of I would have be married first, with the security that comes with that, especially as most of the care will come to you. Apologies if you are married but your use of DP sounds like you are not.

Exactly this. OP knows all the care would fall to her.