AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

He's being incredibly selfish.
He didn't talk to you about it and just decided that's what he wants to happen, so that is what will happen.
I'd be making him tell them it's off. It should not damage your friendship, they'd understand your reasons.
A once in a lifetime trip is not something to share with anyone you haven't chosen to together.

I'm glad you'll at least be discussing this with your husband, because he needs to know how you're feeling so that he won't do this type of thing again. You absolutely deserved to be consulted before he even suggested his friend's family might join you.

I'd go so far as to say that it's possible to gently uninvite them. It needn't damage the friendship. He'd just need to phrase it correctly, explaining that you've both decided that because it's so expensive and something you've looked forward to for a while, this should be a family-only holiday. He just got too caught up in the excitement before, but while you'd all love to go on more holidays together in the future, this one was meant to be just for your family. There's nothing stopping them from still going to Kenya on their own.

The only hard thing is that I'm guessing his friend's children have been told about the holiday, and I'd feel bad about disappointing them, but if they're significantly younger, it's not that difficult to shift their focus to something else.

If you do still go with them, I'd be making certain that your husband knows not to ever unilaterally invite people on holidays again, and he'd better be pulling more than his weight in the meantime, if you're the one funding most of this holiday that he's somewhat tainted by his thoughtlessness.

I have a dh like this, making unilateral decisions. Recently booked me onto a cruise with his family that I had told him I didn’t want to go on. (I’ve told him he’ll have to lose the money). Op in your opinion, not that it changes anything but do you think it occurred to him that you may not be happy with this? Of course he’s wrong, it’s totally arrogant and disrespectful to make a decision like that without consulting you.

Definitely have the chat with him - he should have spoken with you first.

My DH sounds a bit like yours in some ways. My DH doesn't see or 'get' the big picture in certain situations. You are thinking about your little family making fantastic memories together and how warm and wonderful that will be - while your DH doesn't see it that way and thinks that it's a holiday and that sharing it with good friends will be great. I am definitely like you in that respect. Might be worth mentioning this to him, you sound like you may be wired a bit differently - neither is wrong, just different.

Hopefully you can get your point across and move on to look forward to your epic trip - it sounds incredible!

Op,

Why don't you put your thoughts/feeling to the test with him.
Why don't you announce to him this evening when he gets home, that you've got really great news, that you've invited (X Friend and her family, perhaps a friend/family member of yours) and they are now also coming on the holiday. Watch his reaction!

It might help him to understand your perspective.

Yea I would uninvite the friends and just say DH got overexcited. Real friends wouldn’t hold that against you.

You also need to have a strong conversation with your DH. He’s been very selfish.

But he's happy to damage his relationship with his wife over this? And ruin your holiday of a lifetime?

OP he keeps putting this OW (and yes I've used that term deliberately) first. Its disrespectful to you, if nothing else.

Do you really think he honestly thought you'd be delighted? Or did he think if he presented it as a done deal then you couldn't say no and he'd get his own way? Why not discuss with you first? Are the power dynamics in your relationship normally this skewed?

Hes just proving that he doesn't really give a damn what you want/ how you feel.

Honestly, I don't think I could make that amount of sacrifice, saving and hard work for a holiday I wasn't 100% on board with. The resentment will just build and build...

When you discuss this with your husband if he tries to make out you are selfish and need to put him and his friends first and disregard your own feelings then he is being manipulative. He will tell you he can’t uninvite them because it will harm his friendship, their kids are so excited now and every excuse will have you painted as the villain in it all. He doesn’t care about you being upset he cares more about his and his friend’s feelings and just wants you to shut up and compromise as usual.
You are allowed to have your own opinions and feelings and your husband should not be disregarding you as a non entity.
Your husband is a selfish wanker intent on only pleasing himself and looking great in front of his friends.

I'd be fucking livid! How dare he unilaterally change your holiday plans!

I'd tell him to tell them he made a mistake and the holiday is for your family only. If they want to go on safari there's nothing stopping them going any other time.

I’d be furious about that. When I go on holiday with my family I want to be away from everything and everybody.

My best friend is a man, friends since our teens, and no way I’d be inviting him and his wife for a once in a lifetime trip. Nor would he invite me.

I know you said it’s not the case but I’d be doing some digging.

For me it’s irrelevant if it’s a trip of a lifetime or camping in Wales, you do not invite anyone without prior discussion!

I would be so mad.

You are being far too much of a doormat accommodating OP.

If the friendship is that great, saying "oh no, I've put my foot in it with the Mrs - she wanted a family holiday, let's go camping together instead" isn't going to ruin anything. YANBU to insist that a holiday of a lifetime is for your family alone. The kids want core memories with their parents, not friends of their father.

I feel like this is one of those occasions you'll be looking back on in five years thinking "and remember the safari? Why didn't I see what was really going on back then!"

Best of luck OP.

I’d bloody hate that. He’d be un-inviting asap!

I wouldn’t be at all happy about this. A lot can change in two years as well, the kids could fall out or grow out of the friendship. Previously we’ve been away with friends and different parenting styles clash (they are more over protective, so I felt like the bad guy letting my kids do things, causing theirs to whine at them when they said no).

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.
If this were me and not the OP I would not want them along.
I would meet the woman and explain it to her, she is your friend, and therefore should understand that your DH was out of order in not talking to you first.
She should as a friend understand the difference between a holiday and a 'trip of a lifetime'. Two women might settle this by both understanding all the issues.

I know a couple like this who are now divorced. He too was a more the merrier type. Never in 15 years have I walked into their house, or spoke to my friend without someone else there or randomly over. They never did a thing as just a family of them and the kids. Never ever. He would absolutely do something like this too.
I would be so bloody angry and just not want to go. How dare he do this without discussing it with you. And why did SHE not even contact you to check something like this.

Oh dear, this kind of thing tends to happen when extroverts marry introverts.

Maddening that he didn't ask you first. I'd be annoyed too. Have the other family booked yet? If not, your husband is going to have to un-invite them.

Alternatively, maybe you could adjust your mindset and see it as a trip of a lifetime with these dear friends, which will also be a ton of fun?

This is a very wise post.

judging by the last post seems that op is quite used to this from husband and has been brainwashed into thinking having her own opinion about this would ‘damage’ something. the whole point in talking to your husband about this is that something changes. like he starts respecting your wishes. stand up for yourself op, i would not in a million years agree to go on this holiday in this set up - you are also the higher earner - he’s taking you for a fool. this can change but you need to stand up for yourself without worrying about damaging friendships

If my best friend had invited me then came to me and said - sorry but I didn’t check and this was supposed to be a family holiday I would be TOTALLY fine with that.
The kids won’t necessarily have a better time with friends on a holiday like that - in fact the friends might be a distraction from all there is to see there.
Sometimes -esp.longhaul - it’s just easier to travel as a family rather than as a grp

‘Best friend’ 🚩

I think you’re being really naïve op.

Even if there’s not something more than friendship going on it’s a shitty thing for your dh to do. You are right to feel upset.

I also vote for speaking to the woman- I wouldn’t bother telling him beforehand either.