AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

But make absolutely sure that your booking is not tied in any way to the other family’s.

Yup! I’m the extrovert and have quite a few times got carried away ( according to introvert DP!) over the years and had to roll back an invitation or two…

They can still go! Just not on the same trip as OP. They could go a week later (or a year later), or to a different camp.

I'd say I'm more like your husband in the sense that I'm a more the merrier person too, especially if they're going to bring other kids that can help entertain mine 😂 but I'd never just invite them without asking my husband. That's mental!!
We have a group of 4 couples and we holiday together sometimes, it works really well as the kids are all together, adults can take turns playing with them in the pool etc. But we're not glued to the hip and will have days/evenings separate which is really nice.

I’m sorry to be blunt OP but I think you need to get your head out of your arse and look at what is highly likely to be going on. I have very good male friends. My DH has good female friends. Since we have all been together a long time we, the friends in question and their partners are all friends together. Appreciating that everyone is different, but we no longer differentiate between “my friends” and “your friends” as we all hang out together. Maintaining this distinction, particularly with people of the opposite sex when everyone is married or in relationships, to us would feel weird and inappropriate.

This happened to my friend and unfortunately her husband was having an emotional (and I strongly suspect physical) affair. Please don't take it lightly.

I'd be fuming, it changes the dynamic totally. Sometimes it's lovely to go away with friends but I'm not sure this is the right time, plus you should have been asked. Smaller kids on a safari all friends together is tricky - you have to be quiet and patient....

I think he's been profoundly selfish op and I'd be absolutely livid. Is he on your team or not? I can't believe he'd assume it's fine to change plans attached to such a significant amount of family money without discussing it with his wife who is paying for it. At the very least he should have come to you first and asked what type of holiday you are wanting to get for your money and then suggested inviting them. For him to make a unilateral decision about something so important is a big betrayal in my mind. I'd really struggle to get past this and I would be trying to get my deposit back as well. How dare he.

He should have asked you first as a courtesy

No. This is what happens when men carry a light for the woman they really wanted to marry but they’ll settle for someone who won’t ever challenge him staying ‘best friends’ with his real love, and he can cover his tracks well enough to spend time and holidays with her.

This.

The destination does not matter. He should've discussed it with you. It shows complete disregard for your feelings.

Why are you paying for it, can't he also up his hours to chip in?

Totally agree
Plus the way he bulldozed her into this

He should have asked you before he invited anyone. Even if it was the king himself.

If honestly be trying to move my dates if possible even if only a few days so the whole holiday isn’t taken up with the extras.

Making dh know perfectly well that although I hope he didn’t have bad intentions that it had really upset up me and that I was actually no longer looking forward to the holiday anymore as he had a compelled disregard for my feelings or for our family time on such a big holiday.

All those months of extra work and scrimping are going to be much harder knowing this isn't the holiday you wanted Op. Your DH invited them, now he can un invite them.

"Id honestly be trying to move my dates if possible even if only a few days so the whole holiday isn’t taken up with the extras"

That's a good idea actually. You can make an excuse around the changed dates but at least would give you the start of your hols together.

I think talking to him is really important, OP, so it’s really positive you’ve decided to do that — even if it won’t change anything re this trip, as you say, it might mean he thinks twice before doing something similar again.
TBH, it’s the kind of thing I can imagine either me or my DH doing — without necessarily meaning to (and certainly not setting out to ride roughshod over the other’s feelings): chatting to friends about this amazing trip we’ve booked; friends say gosh, that sounds lovely, would love to do something like that — and I could easily get carried away and on the spur of the moment say why don’t you come too…? But I can see why it might be upsetting to be on the receiving end of such a big change in plans — which is why I think it’s good you’re going to talk to him about it.

I hope you can still enjoy the trip once you feel a bit less blindsided by it all.

You are way too passive, @SleepySquirre1 . I hate conflict too, and my MIL (I mentioned that my FIL did stuff like this) was the most accepting of people. But it's have gone ballistic in your situation, and even MIL would go mad at FIL when he did this.

I'm struggling to imagine how that first conversation went. When he told you, did you just go, 'oh, okay'?

Do you usually holiday with them?

If not, why this holiday?

I'd feel like leaving him to pay & sort it all now.

When is it booked for?

The other couple must be equally as stupid as the dh.

I couldn't imagine chatting to a friend, them saying 'oh we're off on holiday you must come with us' without me saying sounds lovely but have a word with your dp and dc, see what they think and let me know.

I always pick the end alone. That way I can look forward to them leaving rather than dreading them arriving.

Can you tell dh’s family have tagged along before 😅

His female best friend? That changes the dynamic somewhat

As you’re the main earner does he feel emasculated so you have to tip toe round him and let his ego inflate by allowing him to have full control of every decision? I’d tell Fred Flintstone to come out of his cave and wise up!

"MyFellowScroller · Today 12:56
Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.
If this were me and not the OP I would not want them along.
I would meet the woman and explain it to her, she is your friend, and therefore should understand that your DH was out of order in not talking to you first.
She should as a friend understand the difference between a holiday and a 'trip of a lifetime'. Two women might settle this by both understanding all the issues."

This. Honestly, @SleepySquirre1 - there's a lot that's odd about this. Firstly, you're the main earner and yet you act as if your powerless in your relationship with your DH and as if you are constantly having to keep him sweet. Why is that? What did you learn about relationships growing up - that the woman always submits to the man? Why is this your paradigm? What does your DH bring to the relationship apart from taking you for granted and being Mr the More the Merrier?

Also, you say he has known his female best friend as long as he has known you. Again, that sounds a bit odd - are you saying that alongside developing a romantic relationship with you, he was nurturing this strong close friendship with another woman? My DH has some close female friends; I have some close male friends, but we clearly prioritise each other. It doesn't sound like your DH prioritises you. DH and I also go away on short breaks with various friends but none of us would expect to be invited on each other's main family holidays.

There's something about this friendship that doesn't sit right. You are right to be upset that, at some level, he doesn't consider it enough just to be on safari with you and your 2 shared children. He wants to bring along his female bestie and her family. As someone said upthread, it all feels like you have been a bit naive or at least too easy-going. And you have already said that you would rather give into your DH than look after your own interests, so the truth is that things do matter to you and you are not happy with all his choices but for some reason until now you have allowed yourself to be walked over than stand up to him. This isn't okay, OP. It's bad for you and it's also bad role-modelling for your children.

I know. Even if he isn't in love with her for an adult man to have a 'best friend' who is married woman is all kinds of wtf.

He must un-invite them.