AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

My first question would have been, “does she know you didn’t even ask me first?”

Because that tells you a great deal about both of them.

The memories will be just as good if another family are there, potentially even better as there’s the option of both couples getting a chance to have a child free evening one night or at least an hour which the others watch all four kids, you can also pool resources as needed. Odd he didn’t ask but my suspicion it’s one of those conversations that get out of hand eg him telling her about the trip, her saying she wanted to do similar and him saying you should join us ..,

Yes I know what you mean - but in this case she'd be saving and paying for something she doesn't want. Something which her DH has actively changed without discussing with her at all. Where did the meaning of marriage arise there I wonder.

How odd! It’s absolutely not ‘twee nonsense’ to want to spend time with your own family on holiday, rather than other people’s.

Maybe the side that he's a typical (sorry for generalizing) clueless doofus male??

I agree its an excitement bubble busting move...but hopefully just truly clueless, thinking the more the merrier. If it were me and I didn't address it, it would fester til I erupted in anger and called the whole thing off...particularly as the payer! This was intended as a family memory maker, lifelong dream realized and saved for, to be celebrated with family unit. Not a wknd at the beach.

Surely both dh and friends (HIS bf and fam?? Whether you like them or not its a bit much) will understand. If not...take the kids and go without.

No, the silly wording.

I wouldn't be paying a penny towards it after the complete disregard shown, and I certainly wouldn't be working hard for a holiday I didn't feel excited about anymore.

Some safari parks have VIP overnight stays (West Midlands does one I think) with keeper /animal experiences. I'd be taking the children to one of those and wishing DH a happy holiday with his best buddy chum, if he can afford it that is.

I assume that they are paying for themselves or are you subsidising them like you are with your husband? You have said in your OP that you are the main bread winner and you will be working incredibly hard to earn/save enough for this once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Will he be working incredibly hard too and making sacrifices?

It's definitely something that he should have discussed with you before inviting them. Does he have a habit of making unilateral decisions that you then need to go along with?

But money in a marriage is JOINT money. By law.

Not quite. Couples can choose to pool all their income or they can choose to share a percentage of it to pay for joint household and family bills, with any left over to remain in their separate personal accounts.

Money in personal accounts which has never been used as 'family' money does not always count towards joint money. See, for example an inheritance. If one person received an inheritance solely in their name and they keep it invested solely in their own name then it is not automatically counted as joint money, even in the event of divorce.

This is exactly my point. I'm 100% positive the husband has planned this trip with his female bestie and it's HER that he really wants to make memories with. They have definitely talked about the trip and maybe it's something she always wanted to do so he made it happen as a joint family holiday. A safari is such an unusual and expensive holiday that it's impossible for the invitation to be accepted spontaneously.

This does not necessarily mean he's being unfaithful but he obviously finds his female best friend more fun and entertaining than his own wife. Not sure which option is worse tbh.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

Then he uninvites them or you tell him you won't pay or go. Stand up for yourself.

As a pp suggested I’d be tempted to go “ great I’ll invite my mum and some friends from work”

Then he, as PPs have said. Needs to fund the entire thing. He cares more having fun with his 'best friend' than your feelings.

It's weird for a married man to have a married woman as a best friend. It's massively rare that there aren't feelings in there somewhere.

You'll get to watch them stargazing together at your expense.

I'd die on this hill. I doubt that this is a first time he's pulled a stunt.

I’m sociable but big trips like that are definitely just for your immediate family. Travelling with even the best friend can be really hard work and it would be such a headache to accommodate everyone with mealtimes etc. Ask him how he’d feel if you’d invited your best friends family?

It’s also really weird he didn’t think to ask you first.

I agree.

He doesn’t sound like the sharpest tool in the shed. He earns less than the OP so he isn’t even the one paying for the trip.

He can save and then cancel with his friends when he realises he hasn’t saved enough money.

What an absolute twat.

Same. The OP will also end up babysitting everyone’s kids while he star gazes with his best friend.

Normally I'd agree with you, but when you go on safari there aren't usually many options to plan for. You get up early, go for a game drive, idle your time away in the lodge, read or play games, swim if there's a pool, eat delicious food usually in a mess tent with everyone else who's staying at the lodge, (you don't get to choose when you eat, and sometimes food options are limited; after all it all has to be flown in) go for an evening game drive, participate in whatever activity has been planned for that night, go to bed, rinse and repeat, visiting different areas of the game park on different days. You are rarely alone on game drives. There are always going to be other guests around anyway.

On what planet does anyone invite friends on a family holiday without checking with their partner first, let alone a holiday of a lifetime. Does this actually happen?!! At no point did your DH think to himself ‘i’ll just check that’s ok with my Wife first’ 🤯

He made a huge mistake, so he can be the one to tell them its a special FAMILY holiday and uninvite them. They may have been completely unaware you were kept out the loop.

I’d be beyond upset if my DH invited friends on any of our holidays without checking and the answer would always be no for us as that’s our special time with the kids.

Oh I see, apologies.

Firstly, not all safaris are the way you describe. I'm going on a safari this year. It's a self-drive and we're not going to be travelling with any other guests. We might book a couple of guided drives/walks from the different lodges we're staying in, where we'd be with others for a few hours at a time, but we aren't doing the whole trip with other guests and at no point will we be eating or socialising with them.

Secondly, it's very different being with strangers and being with friends. If you're on a guided trip with other people, you're perfectly free not to chat with them if you'd rather not. But if you're travelling with friends and your kids are playing with their kids, you can't exactly just ignore them. You end up having to justify having dinner without them, you'd have to deal with any spats between your kids and their kids, you end up talking about the same boring life-shit that you're on holiday to get away from, etc. It's completely different.

Thirdly, did you miss the part where he didn't even consult her before inviting his best friend on a holiday that the OP is paying for?

OP, I would be absolutely incandescent if my partner just decided he could invite people on our holiday without even asking me! It's appalling.

Where you say 'and I also know just how much he enjoys the company of his friend' his friend being the woman he's invited. I'd bet her husband isn't a fan of their great pure friendship either, Just a hunch.

He's known her a long time. What's their story?

Yes but you aren’t obliged to spend any time directly with other guests - outside of the game drives. If you’re with friends, you’ll feel obligated to spend time with them, and even if you don’t, in such an intimate setting, you’d never be able to escape them.

I'm assuming the kids will be teens because it's definitely not a holiday for young children. You have to be quiet on safari and there is a lot of travel. There's no nipping out of the jeep for a wee behind a bush when there are lions around. There is, of course, always the risk of danger even in the confines of the jeep. My DH got bitten by a monkey and had to have all sorts of shots.

Your DH needs to message his friend sharpish and tell them they're not coming. I would be so incredibly pissed off in your shoes.

Isn't it telling you think he is more worried about his long standing friendship than his marriage and his dw?