AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

@SleepySquirre1 I agree with the huge majority that his doing this without asking and checking was very very off.

It sounds to me like you are going to go along with it to keep the peace and not upset a long term friendship? I don't think that's the right step here. Otherwise it makes it seem like he was right and there's no issue, there is.

To me the options would be:

1. He lets them know you've all decided it would be better to just make this a family trip. Any good friendship can get past this and also, this was his mistake.
2. He tells them you guys looked at the cost and have decided to postpone for a couple more years but you hope they have a great time. [Postponing lets him help earn the money to financially contribute too...]

Time and time again women's compromises allow men to get what they wanted in the first place. I don't normally bring this stuff up on mums net but really your post is a prime example...!

Good luck!

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.

It'll possibly damage the friendship of you uninvite them - but possibly not as absolutely no one would think it was OK for him to invite them without your knowledge (unless they actually are having an affair and your husband's best friend is in on the plan...) However, it will definitely damage your marriage if you don't put a stop to this, OP.

Like fuck would I be doing two years of overtime to gooseberry on what should be an amazing family holiday but would in fact be my husband and his bestie having fun while I third wheeled.

"Ryan, the fact that you have felt confident to do something so outrageous as invite an entire other family on the trip of a lifetime with our family without even consulting me has made me reassess a few things. You obviously think that I'm enough of a doormat that I'm just going to let you do this, but I care too much about our marriage and our family for that. Either you uninvite them or I will - I will simply tell them the truth, that you invited them without my knowledge. I don't care what you tell them, except that you must be clear there actually isn't an invitation to join us (you are only half an invite). If you sulk about this or try to change my mind I shall be booking relationship counselling to explore why you think this is OK. You've got until the end of the week. Let me know when you've done it."

The op has not at any point suggested that she thinks they'll be in a couple's retreat isolated from society.

Being in groups with friendly strangers is a million miles away from bff tagging along without any discussion about it with the op.

Op. Stand up for yourself this is not ok.

Totally unacceptable not to discuss this.also I know of two couples who holidayed together and it did turn out it was because they were having an affair. Most people do trust their husbands until they realise they were ridiculously nieve

But she might not want to share memories with anyone else?!

I don’t think OP is under any illusion that it’ll just be her family of 4 on the excursions but at least with strangers nobody feels obligated to, for example, make conversation with anyone else over dinner - unless they want to of course.

Yes this

YANBU. Adding other people to a holiday changes the dynamic entirely!!

DH did the same to me years ago. We were planning a Disney World trip with our DC. They would have been 3 yo and 18 months at the time of travel. He walked into the kitchen happy and smiling and declared that his mother had agreed to come with us!! He thought she’d be a “big help” 🤨 WTAF!!

I must have looked stunned. She doesn’t ever help with the kids, complains a lot and is a massively fussy eater. Oh, and she never pays for herself. So my answer was “hard no, not happening”. We didn’t book the trip!! There wasn’t a way to get out of it without upsetting her, which I didn’t want to do. I like her, we’ve since been on other holidays with her. In this case, I just didn’t want to make a lot of concessions on a super special (very expensive) family holiday.

5 years later we’re finally planning the same trip. She isn’t invited this time 😂

Can you change the trip dates and kind of skirt over it with the friends?

If he wants to arrange holidays unilaterally and without consultation, then he needs to be paying for them.

I don't get from her posts she's worried about the relationship. In fact she clarifies she is not.

My husband is also a more the merrier type. He once invited his bestie on our anniversary dinner. I can assure you he is not having an affair with his bestie (a man). There is no harm intended and no control or anything evil. He just thinks more people = more fun.

Obvs the OP can divorce him. But she can't change him.

Oh yes! I'd forgotten the bit where OP is paying most of it too. Grrr OP seriously this man is so disappointing.

I see your point but both partners should get a say in the family holiday irrespective of their salary proportions. The problem here is OP is getting no say. It just adds insult to injury that she's the one mainly paying for it.

But money in a marriage is JOINT money. By law. Sharing of assets and money is literally the cornerstone of the legal and moral framework of marriage.

Yes, he should have asked.

But this 'I paid more therefore...' is daft.

Why is it 'just a no'? Are people not allowed to just want to go away with their family?

Sorry, but the real issue here is that you can't tell him how you feel and you're worried about the friends' reaction if you withdraw the invitation but he's not worried about yours. You need to sit him down, tell him you are deeply upset he did this without discussing it first, tell him the whole trip is ruined for you and if he tries sulking, you know exactly where you stand in his order of importance.

Oh he's horrible!

Fairy nuff.
Invite your friends too...
See how that goes down.

So you're saying that you and your DH discussed dates, the type of itinerary you want, the hotel, flights, transfers, board basis, etc. for a holiday of a lifetime that will costs thousands of pounds and on mentioning it to his friend, she booked the exact same holiday immediately?

No one does that. There has to be a lot more discussion. Have the friends even booked it yet. Something about this story doesn't add up.

Why is there no laughing emoji on Mumsnet. I laughed out loud here because that's it in a nutshell. 🎯

Exactly this.

Forget trying to be 'the cool wife' who just merrily goes along with things because it's all jolly good fun and you're just being a bit daft brigade.

The OP is clearly upset and has had an emotional reaction to the situation. That's what she needs to understand and get to the bottom of.

@SleepySquirre1 "I know my husband wouldn’t deliberately want to upset me, and I also know just how much he enjoys the company of his friend. "

I bet he does. Watch your back with his special "friend" OP. And I don't think your DH gives a toss about whether you're upset or not. I mean you are upset, and he doesn't care.

I’m not sure a safari holiday is the most social of holidays for 2 families. You are up before sunrise. Quick breakfast and then out in a jeep. It’s very unlikely your friends will be in your jeep. Some of the lodges we stayed in had set places for dinner, so you may not be able to sit together to eat. And then everyone is in bed early because you’ve got to get up before sunrise.

Also, I’m not sure how old any of the DC are, but the days are long! And the jeeps are uncomfortable. My DC were 16 and 18 when we went on safari and whilst they loved it, they did find it tough going.

I would be furious if my DH invited anyone without checking it with me first. I’d be telling him all of the above and suggest he tells them a bucket and spade holiday another time would be a better idea.

It's twee nonsense.

That’s crazy and completely out of order. I too would be livid. He needs to cancel the invitation asap before they book anything.

I hate to say that I do also agree with other comments about your DH’s female best friend. This is all very strange and it might be worth digging a little deeper here.

Op is going to be working extra hard to pay for a trip she now doesn’t want to go on because her not so ‘d’h screwed up. He didn’t think enough of her to have a discussion, just announced a fait accompli. Not on. Whatever the trip.

I'd like to think you'd be able to get this whole thing undone... (it's still unclear as to whether they are booked/if he knows enough details of the trip to be able to have arranged this or if he's expecting you to sort it all out after having slung the invitation their way - if it's the latter there's chance there's no more room on your departure already or it would at least be easier to uninvite).

If you do end up going en masse, I wonder if there's anyone you'd like to invite to even things out a bit? Also, someone mentioned earlier about going to bed with the kids whilst he stays up with his mate... I'd say that's a situation I'd like to avoid at all costs! Make sure things like this are agreed before you go away - things like you retire as a family or the evenings are taken in turns to avoid any further resentment. I suppose it depends on the trip but it's possible you could get split between vehicles etc so it's possible you might get a bit of space.

Hope you manage to find something that will help you feel better about this all OP.