AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

I honestly think he probably assumed I’d be pleased about it too.

WAKE UP OP!

He absolutely knows this is not what you would want, that is why he has done it without even telling you (let alone asking you), it is what HE wants so he has made sure nothing could get in the way of his decision.

The fact that they have agreed to it without even asking what you think is quite shocking too, has he lied to them that you are on board? Have they assumed you know about the invite and are okay with it, or do they not care what you think/want?

I'd be ringing her myself and having a chat to be honest, just ring and ask her if they were planning on coming as your DH has blindsided you with the news and you would have to re-arrange the plans you have made up to now if they were wanting to come too. This way you can subtly let her know you aren't impressed by it without actually telling them not to come.

Any decent person would bow out at that stage.

I think you have spectacularly missed the point here. This isn't actually about the holiday, it's about control and lack of agency in a relationship

Probably best to read the thread first next time.

I would feel the same as you. I love my friends but I get a bit anxious in unfamiliar places and only my husband can keep me calm. Plus such a huge holiday that you have planned and saved for should just be your family. You didn't mention if they expect you to pay anything for them? That would be my big problem, if they pay their own way and their own accommodation I can't see how you can stop them, won't it just be like two families who happen to go on the same holiday? Maybe let them come but make sure your husband knows you would like to do your own things on some days.

I'd be absolutely livid at the lack of communication before asking them.
Completely different if you had both agreed to having other people coming on your family holiday.
But if he's not communicating with you on this, I'd be asking him why he's acted alone on it. Especially if you're paying the bill.

If only the laugh emoji was still available. As it is I’m going to have to fill space on a rapidly filling thread to express my appreciation 😂.

I use AI a lot to understand the conversations between my narcissistic brother and I.

I popped in;

"Somebody says "oh don't look like that" when they've made a decision without me"

And the analysis was very interesting, and vocalised why your husbands response made me feel uneasy.

"When someone tells you, "Don't look like that," after making a decision without you, they are essentially attempting to manage your emotions to soothe their own conscience. By focusing on your facial expression rather than their own unilateral action, they pivot the tension away from the fact that they excluded you. It serves as a defensive shield; if they can get you to change your "look," they can ignore the underlying conflict and avoid feeling guilty about overstepping.
To handle this effectively, it’s best to name the behavior directly. Rather than arguing about your face, shift the focus back to the lack of consultation. A calm response like, "My face reflects my surprise at being left out," addresses the root issue without escalating the drama. This reinforces the idea that your reaction is a natural consequence of their choice, making it clear that mutual respect—not your expression—is the real topic at hand."

"his best friend, her husband. Are they just friends"

Oh FFS, I see we moved straight into Stepford Wives country only a few responses in.

What nasty, distrustful little minds that go straight to that. And yes, I DO know "what men are like" and I DID vote that the OP INBU.

OK I've read more of the thread now.

I don't think a single poster who has commented so far has actually been on a safari.

A safari like you describe is a GROUP experience. Meals are communal with other guests, you share a jeep with other guests. You will not be making core-4-of-you memories on this holiday as you will be in small groups with other guests every minute of the day.

If you were headed to Lanzarote or the Maldives or Costa Rica or god knows, anywhere, I'd see your point, but this one specific holiday you will either be in a jeep all day every day with randoms or you can be in a jeep with mates.

People talking about the pains of accommodating everyone on a group trip, totally, again I get it. But a safari that is not the case, every minute of each day is accounted for. And again, in a jeep you can either go with group consensus of what animals to go look for by negotiating with random strangers or you can negotiate with your mates.

All those who hate group holidays - absolutely valid. But don't ever go on safari then, you'd hate it.

I've never seen anyone not read a thread, miss the point, then read the thread and miss the point again 😂😂🤣

I think you should definitely take up limbo dancing. Seems like things easily go over your head.

That's not 'letting things go'. It's capitulating to avoid an argument. It doesn't matter what people on MN think about it, and you might well have been BU, you should be able to tell your husband how you feel about this or about anything really.

The point of the thread is not whether it's a good idea to bring friends on a safari. It's that OPs husband didn't bother to ask her if it was ok to bring them. And she doesn't really want them there.

Women tend to have more emotional intelligence and self awareness than men. Did his female best friend not show any concern about whether or not you would want this?

I’d rather have the safari with randoms experience than dh’s bestie tagging along making it a them holiday.

With randoms you are not making plans to meet up with just a family. You are doing the shared group stuff then going back to your own accommodations.

There isn’t chatter about don’t remember when or in jokes. It’s a whole new experience for everyone even if you have done safari before. It’s new people.

Him inviting them and not discussing it with you is just not on

i would be having a very long conversation with him about just how unacceptable this is, that you were looking for it to be a chance for just the four of you, that you are the one doing most of the saving, including having to do without things , towards this and as a minimum should have been consulted and that the excitement is now lost as he has totally changed the holiday.

Personally I would insist he tells them that sorry thinking about it it should just be the four of you and disinvite them

I would still go because frankly it will be amazing and your kids will probably prefer there being other kids there. BUT I would be raging that he had done this without asking me

Have they paid their deposit? If not I’d get on the phone to them and explain. I’m sure they’ll understand if they’re good friends of yours

OMG who has time to read 13 pages of comments?! I was responding directly to the OP rather than the million responders who have never been on a safari and have nothing to add to the discussion other than weird speculation about her husband's motives for having a female pal.

Yes, he should have checked.
Will she divorce him over this? Probably not.
Are they still going to go on the trip? Probably yes.
It it possible that having not been on safari before she maybe doesn't appreciate how much of a group experience it would be, with or without mates? Possibly.
Will they, on balance, have a better time sharing a jeep with mates rather than randoms? Probably.
Is it helpful context for her to hear from someone who has actually been on safaris that this is likely to be the case? I hope yes. Maybe she can start looking forward to it again.

Because the post wasn't 'is my husband having an affair' or 'should I leave him' or 'is he abusive'. It was - 'I'm feeling sad I'm not looking forward to it as much now'.

A safari like you describe is a GROUP experience.

yes, a group of rando's, not a group of people you are friends with back home, you can be more yourself in front of a group of strangers sometimes, knowing you are never going to have to see them again.

I would also hazard a guess that there is something underlying about his relationship with this friend that makes OP nervous or uncomfortable in some way.. it explains why he has done this without asking her, it explains why she doesn't feel like she can voice her disappointment, and it explains why he has reacted badly, and shut her down, when it is obvious she isn't ecstatic about the idea.

He is automatically putting his friend, and what he wants above his wife and what she wants.. who's to say that is not going to carry on on the holiday.. instead of being just them and their kids, there will be another woman there wanting his attention too, so instead of sitting down to dinner with OP, he'll probably be chatting to his mate, while OP puts the kids to bed etc.

Honestly how anyone can make excuses for him is beyond me.. if it was all above board he would have ASKED her first.

Can he not manage a month without seeing his 'mate'? Is he that desperate for her company that she has to come on holiday too?

But maybe she hasn't appreciated that in the actual lived experience she could either be in a jeep all day with mates OR be sharing with mad Americans planning to go shoot everything at the next place OR Germans with huge cameras insisting on stopping for hours constantly to photograph birds... both of which have happened to me. With randoms it's a toss-up they might be awful.

Agree with this.

Just ensure he disinvites them before they pay their deposit too.

(Also, as a pp pointed out, did this female best friend not question how you would feel about them joining you? That would be the first thing that came out of my mouth if I was in her situation 😡).

I'm assuming that although you've been on holiday with this family before, you don't holiday with them every single time? I would be seriously pissed off in your shoes, if my husband invited friends on holiday with us, without discussing it with me first. I would be wanting to know why he thought he didn't need to discuss it with me!! Liking the family, enjoying their company and even holidaying with them before, aren't reasons enough, not to have a conversation with you.

I can understand your upset, however when you are on safari unless you’ve booked a private guide your memories will be made with a bunch of strangers! Having friends there at least means you can continue to share memories with your friends when you get back!

I'm sure everyone's said this already but JC. What the hell was he thinking? Certainly not about you. At all. In any way. Time to cancel the trip and he needs to sort it out with his emotional affair best friend. Yuk yuk yuk. I'm so sorry OP - what an idiot he is x

She doesn't want to go with her husbands friends (supposedly hers too). She booked it for just here little family of 4.